Sweet Sixteenth Anniversary

Sweet sixteen. It was sixteen years ago last Friday, I took the big plunge. Jumped the broom. Walked down the aisle.

Now, to all of you guys who are wondering just how to get your gal to make the big commitment and get married? I don't know how it's done. I can tell you that it helps when you when the in-laws fly all the way across the country. If they spend all that money on tickets and hotels, they will want to see a wedding.

It also helps when your mother-in-law raises five children, she'll instinctively know which direction any of her children will try to flee. So that she doesn't have to necessarily be more fleet of foot than your betrothed, she just has to be able to cover the distance between the aisles.

The Missus: The Reverend said "for better or for worse," it never got any better!

Me: Honey, stop it, we have people reading this.

The Missus: It...never...got...any...better!

Ahem. At any rate, The Missus decided that we should take a road trip, though it was to be a surprise for me in every sense of the word. Come Tuesday, you'll find out just how much. Right now, I have to sedate the wife.

I'm Just Trying To Get Chris To Comment Over Here

Chris wrote on his blog-

Who knows why I might be prone to say,"I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot polecat."

THE ANSWER

Some of you probably know.Edited to add: Didn't you people ever watch cartoons!?The answer is hidden somewhere in this post.

Conversely, I ask all of you (Chris in specific) do polecats say "I wouldn't touch that with a fifteen foot human?"

You see, folks, because Chris is a regular reader, but he rarely comments on my inane fluff. And oh yes, I am an ingrate.

Oh, You Have Blogpourri On Your Shirt

First, Samuel L. had it all wrong, it's the snakes on the train that you have to worry about.

So the Missus needed "Pam," no the cooking spray.

No, for food, Beavis.

She was certain it was in the cupboard, but the drawback to the Costco-ization of our house was that we went searching from shelf to shelf for the can. Whoa, that's a lot of stuff in the back that needed to be 86'd.

Thus, to start the new fall season, the greatest of festivities was about to begin. More after the jump!


...well, um, there's no "jump," I guess. At any rate, more after the next paragraph...


A special "thank you" to the person that wedged their white Toyota Sienna within six inches of my driver's door. After waiting on you to come out for two minutes, I had to climb in via the passenger door and climb over the shifter, because I didn't have the time to wait on you and lose out on the washing machine in our apartment building. So once again, a special "thank you." That "thanks" is spelled f-c-k, "thanks." Oh wait, you know what's missing white Toyota Sienna driver? That's right, "u." Give yourself a pat on the back...with a katana.

Oh, yes, the festivities? Well, say it with me in a half-James Mason, half-Richard Harris, it's time for the purging of the vinegars. All those rice, balsamic and garlic vinegars. All those long forgotten jars of stir-fry, mojito and plum sauces.

The thing is that we recycle in this house, so all of those glass bottles and jars were to be emptied and taken down to the recycling bin. The drawback to being a good green citizen is the smell that these things made in the apartment as they were poured into the sink. Such an aroma, like a bad combination of a derelict winery and Chinese restaurant gone wrong. Human hell, raccoon heaven.

Even worse for The Missus, dealing with my constant recital of "it's time for the purging of the vinegars" as I did this.

I have a dream, but before you call me "Martin Luther Procrastinator," you should realize that my dream is not so grandiose. All I want is my own washer and dryer-

So that I don't have to rush home to get dibs on the wash room.
So that I don't have to stock insane amounts of clean clothes in case, the washroom doesn't come clean for days (the Laundromats are often at capacity before noon, chock full of med students and homeless) .
So that I don't have to touch other people's clothes and unmentionables, regardless of how "clean" they are.

Dead Spot Kills

The best Top Chef blog post ever, in my opinion.

One More Time, With Feeling

Okay, nobody that wasn't named John or Dale listened, so one time with feeling...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the return of Is That So Wrong.

We're talking culture, humor, literature, film, and one of the best examples of "separated at birth," ever.

A Moment Of Silence, Please

From one of the editors of Astonishing Adventures Magazine-

I don't want to intrude on Katherine, but I just wanted to say a little something.

We lost one of our pulpsters recently and we at AAM want to say we're sorry. Katherine's sister

Mary contributed the illustration for Tit For Tat in the first issue and she passed away on Saturday.

Please keep Katherine and her family in your thoughts.

Editor JDC

Separated At Birth (with the help of plastic surgery)

Two things must have been going through O.J.'s mind as they granted him bail, the other day.

1) "Man, I really went and f*ck*d it up this time."
2) "What the hell is Kathie Lee Gifford, doing here?"

Naw, Juice. Yeah, you f*ck*d it up big time, but that's Marcia Clark, ma-ha-nnn.

This is Kathie Lee Gifford and doesn't Jimmy Kimmel look like he's in Heaven? Missing is the pic that was taken shortly after this one, when Frank Gifford shook the cobwebs off and became lucid for just the ten seconds that he needed to clothesline Jimmy like Night Train Lane did in his prime.

Stop Looking At Me Like That

No, it wasn't me. I wasn't behind the wheel and I haven't been to New Jersey since Carter was in office.

I'm Not Trying To Encroach In Bubs's Territory

I'm not trying to horn in on Bubs's territory, honest. I just have very little to post about and I love bagging on stupid criminals.

So, what happens when you break into a police training session?

Then there's this character, who went to the well, one too many times and was recognized by a teller. This not the first time a bank robber has gone into the San Francisco Centre to elude captures, still yet they have yet to succeed. Probably because a heavily disguised bank robber does not look all that different from a garden variety pervert.

Yet Even More Separated At Birth

Yet even more separated at birth, courtesy of Angel's mind.

Johnny Knoxville

and Josh Duhamel.

For the skeptics, I included the URLs with the pics, because, yes, they are two different people...

...allegedly.

Johnny Knoxville's birth name? Phillip John Clapp.

More Separated At Birth

The Editor JDC says, try this one.

"Top Chef"Tom Colicchio...


and "Ghost Hunters"Jason Hawes...

I'd say that the JDC is dead-on. Throw some blue contact lenses on Jason and you have it. There is a more convincing photo of Jason with an owl, but the IMDB doesn't allow people to capture images off of their site anymore.

Not Exactly Separated At Birth

I don't know if anyone has pointed this out yet, though they probably have. Separated at birth?

Howie from Top Chef Season Three...




And fine actor and Coen Brother's all-purpose punching bag, John Polito...



I'm just saying, that's all.

The New Submission Guidelines For Astonishing Adventures Issue #2

From the galactic editor Tim Gallagher...

NEW SUBMISSION GUIDELINES FOR AAM

Okay, kids, we got the first issue out of the way. It darn near killed some of us, but we did it.In the process of putting the magazine together, we learned what worked and what didn’t; what we need help with and what we have down pat; and what changes will have to be made in order to ensure things go smoother the second time.

The submission guidelines for the time being are going to remain essentially the same:

1) We’re looking for all-new, all-original stories covering all pulp genres. That includes adventure, mystery, science fiction, Western, aviation, fantasy, sword and sorcery - you name it (except romance! Romance is verboten! If I don’t have to deal with it in real life, I don’t want to deal with it in my magazine!). And please don’t make the mistake that many do and equate pulp with noir; most noir is pulp, but not all pulp is noir.

The stories can take place in any time period, and in any location. We’re looking for stories that evoke the spirit of the ‘30s and ‘40s - pulp’s golden age - but that doesn’t mean your stories have to take place then.

Most of all, we’re looking for stories that are FUN and ENTERTAINING! This ain’t some long haired, highbrow literary magazine, it’s a pulp!If you’re still not sure what we’re looking for, please check out the plethora of pulp reprint magazines available: THE SHADOW, THE SPIDER, DOC SAVAGE, PLANET STORIES, G8 AND HIS BATTLE ACES, SECRET AGENT X, etc. Those are the sort of stories we want to showcase.

2) We said it above, and we’ll say it again: we want all-new, all-original pulp stories. Stories you’ve written featuring characters you’ve created. We will accept absolutely no fan fiction (stories featuring someone else’s characters).

3) We are aiming for the broadest possible audience, from tweens to twilighters, so your submission should be appropriate for all. We will not accept submissions with excessive, gratuitous violence; offensive language (cursing); gratuitous hanky panky (the hero can kiss the girl, but everything else should occur off the page); or content that is deemed disparaging, offensive, or hateful by the editors. Basically, if you couldn’t get away with it in a PG-rated film, you won’t get away with it here.

4) The word count for stories is still 3,500 or less, but as you saw in the first issue, we are open to longer stories. Please query us first before sending anything longer than 3,500 words.

5) We can only accept single, stand-alone stories. We do not accept serial stories at this time. Our quarterly publication schedule makes serialization impractical. We will accept stories that are excerpts of longer works, as long as the excerpt can stand alone: it must have a beginning, middle, and end, like any other story.

6) Here’s the new wrinkle, so please pay attention: ALL SUBMISSIONS MUST BE IN THE FORM OF A WORD DOCUMENT (.doc), with the option of an additional .html doc. We can no longer accept submissions that are in the body of an e-mail. Sorry if this inconveniences anyone, but it makes too much work for us when we put the magazine together.

7) Yes, we accept art submissions. We need spot illustrations for stories as well as cover art. If you can provide art for your submission, by all means do so. For more specific requirements and specifications, contact JDC directly at editorjdc@gmail.com.

8) We are also looking for non-fiction material about the world of pulp: articles, reviews, interviews. Just read a great pulp novel you want to share with everyone else? Write a review and send it to us. You met a man who claims to be the real, live Doc Savage? Well, by jingo, we want to read about it. You just happen to be the neighbor of a man who made his living pounding out pulp stories for a penny a word? Get a tape recorder and get him talking.

The variety of non-fiction material we’re looking for is wide open, as long as it’s pulp related. Please query us first with what you have in mind.

9) Finally, and I can’t say this enough, don’t be afraid to use the LESTER DENT PLOT FORMULA posted elsewhere on this site. I know it’s set up for a 6,000 word story, but it can easily be modified for a story of any length. It’s a great tool, so use it. That’s why we posted it in the first place.

Questions? Concerns? Did I miss something? Well, that’s what the e-mail addresses are for. Shoot us a line, and we’ll get back to you as soon as we can.Now get cracking. The deadline for issue #2 - NOVEMBER 1 - is fast approaching. And yes, we would love holiday-themed pulp stories.

Um, Okay...

Do you remember that game, "Mousetrap?" I only saw it once as pre-teen and while I didn't play it, the fact that it didn't work after a bunch of us waited patiently for the denouement that was anything but, gave me a lifetime prejudice against the thing (yes, you read right, I'm a game bigot).

At any rate, someone thought it would be a good idea to make a life-sized version. Me? I'm playing the game of Life and The Missus is kicking my ass at it.

A Missive From Across The Pond

What do you know? It's a missle of a missive from across the pond, what's new Guy? Tell us how you do...


Hello everyone, hope you’re well! Got a brand new all-original, not-for-kids storytelling CD, Live at Pete’s, just come available in the ‘shop’ at
http://www.lazygramophone.com

Got some new experiments in moviemaking for you to see at
http://www.youtube.com/Guyjjackson

And then the two sections pasted below are blurbs for an upcoming new radio show and an upcoming outstanding gig. You have to be in London for the gig, of course, but not for the radio show…

Thanks so much for your time and consideration!
Guy J.

http://www.myspace.com/storytellinguyjj

Beginning Oct 3rd, 2007, at 7PM and running every Wednesday for six weeks, Resonance Radio will host "Parlour Games" with Nathan Penlington and Guy J. Jackson, two local stars of the London spoken-word scene. Nathan will be bringing his magic and poetry and Guy will be bringing his storytelling and the two will not only perform their own selves, but as well trot out guest stars of music, spoken word, comedy, and magic. Of course the guest stars will also be allowed to perform, but only after being subjected to Nathan and Guy’s surrealist games, magic and mind tricks, and dada interviews. Once again, that’s October 3rd through November 7th, Wednesdays, 7 PM to 8 PM, on Resonance Radio, 104.4 FM, or online at resonancefm.com

“Jam Sandwich” at The Premises Studios, 201-209 Hackney Road, London, E2 8JL, 8pm doors / 8.30pm show. Cost:£3 The Premises is the first solar powered recording studio in Europe, and has a client list that includes Artic Monkeys, Babyshambles, Amy Winehouse, Courtney Pine, and Gwyneth Hebert, to name but a few.

Tonight it hosts a specially organised poetry/ music jam. Expect some famous faces from both worlds, joining forces to create new word and soundscapes. Featured performers include Martin White, Andrew Bailey, Mr Solo, Charly Flynn, Rhian Edwards, Gavin Osborne, Guy J. Jackson, Tamsin Kendrick, Zashiki Warashi, Nathan Penlington and Gwyneth Herbert. Places limited, so booking recommended – contact Festival Box Office: boxoffice@writetoignite.co.uk / Tel 07792 347 4196. Limited tickets available on the door. Time: Doors 8pm, show starts 8.30pm. Full information about all Write to Ignite events can be found on our website: www.writetoignite.co.uk

First, The Exceptionally Weak Sauce, Then The Stong Stuff

First, the exceptionally weak sauce-

This twenty year-old needs to give up the life of crime, fast and hit the books. If you try to burgle a house and you get your ass kicked by a sixty-nine year-old man...and wind up half-naked as a result, you have no future involving anything illegal, except turning tricks.

Then the strong stuff, SF Taxi Blog. Let's face it, I miss the Midnight Cabbie's articles in Chronicle and nobody tells better stories than cabbies. SF Taxi Blog is no exception.

The Return of Led Zeppelin?

Naw, Yahoo must be playing a practical joke, or I would've read about it in The Pop Eye.

Buy Two Buildings And The Ivy Degree Is On Us!

Illresident Shrub: You say "tomato," I say "I'll get back to you after I do another line."

Gee, the countries are about 8,926 miles apart, give or take a couple of hemispheres, or continents. Seriously, is someone actually going to honestly tell me that this man earned two degrees fair and square?

Granted, everyone is allowed a brain fart or two, but his cerebrum must be replete with the dwindling brain cell decay of a thousand huffers.

My Favorite Time Of The Year

Yes, football season is finally here! Just in time, because I have to hear just one more thing about Michael Vick, I'm knocking down some satellites. I'm a fairly hardcore football watcher, though I've toned it down considerably since Procrastinator Junior was born. I used to watch Arena League, the World League and the Pro Bowl.

Yet, The Missus? She's not so crazy about it. A couple of years ago, after I spent the day watching the morning, afternoon and night NFL games, and after spending better part of the previous day watching college games...

Me: Who's a little football widow? Who is a grumpy little football widow?

The Missus: (long pause) I didn't marry a football, so I'm not a "football widow."

What was implied by her tone, but not said, "you putz."

From Jay's Keyboard, To Bill's, To Your Eyes

I couldn't have said it any better, because I'm still apoplectic...

Jay has coined a term for someone who gets duped by the site: A Quechump. And that's how Jay feels -- like a chump. He's not just chagrined that he fell for a trick, but rather that Quechup took advantage of the trust people put in him, which is not insignificant.

The First Issue of Astonishing Adventures Is Finally Here!

I have seen the future and it is a fine revival of the past, Astonishing Adventures Magazine is finally here. Katherine Tomlinson, Tim Gallagher and John Don Carlucci have created an online pulp magazine.

Click on the words of John Don Carlucci and the text will take you to the site...

It’s amazing! It’s stupendous! It’s ASTONISHING!

ASTONISHING ADVENTURES MAGAZINE, the greatest place for new tales in the old pulp fashion, has finally arrived!

Marvel at the tale of the man who married a Yeti! Thrill to the exploits of the mysterious Red Panda! Gasp in amazement as dinosaurs attack Manhattan! Be astounded as Tokyo is reduced to rubble (yet again)!

All this and more, including interviews with award-winning writer Joe Lansdale, legendary comics artist Michael Wm. Kaluta, and painter extraordinaire Doug Klauba!

Did we mention the monkeys? Yes, there are monkeys! More monkeys than you can shake a banana at!

Brace yourself for tales that are ASTONISHING! Prepare yourself for ADVENTURES! All conveniently located in one pulp MAGAZINE!

That’s ASTONISHING ADVENTURES MAGAZINE!

And best of all, the first issue is free!

Editor JDC

Thank you John! Psst, not to mention there is a story in there, written by yours truly.

Doc Gave Me Food For Thought

Something Doc said, made me mull something else over.

I've heard a lot of good advice in my time. Such as "Go with God and don't take any wooden nickels." Or "Watch that last step" as well as "Bring Cash".

Just where are these wooden nickels that I've always heard about? How convincing could a wooden nickel actually be? It's wood, after all and from a tactile standpoint, it feels nothing like metal. All parking meters and vending machines are set not to accept something as light as the wood would be.

Not to mention that in this day and age, if it is piece of wood that looks convincingly just like a nickel, I'm sure that I could get more than a nickel for it.

They must exist in the same theoretical plane as the turnip trucks. At any rate, click the purple for a worthy, sudsy post and Doc? "Up your leg"...





...I think.