The Madness of Oscar R.M.B.A.S. The Third

Ante Scriptum- John Travolta. Just because Becky wanted him mentioned.

What does "R.M.B.A.S." mean? "Random musings, bruisings and aloe-scented soothings" or really, an oddly fanciful way of saying "odds and ends." This year's Oscars will be especially odd for me as I have seen none of the nominees and I do mean none. So like some neo-con pundit, I'll be winging this as ill-informed and misguided as can be. No new taxes, lockup the liberals, get out the falafel, and away we go!

If that vexes you, please realize that I do all this for entertainment purposes and not for gambling or criticism purposes. So if you are looking for those kinds of postings, read my previous Oscar observations here and here, when I had at least a basic idea what I was talking about. Also, I look for "Atonement" to win Best Picture by a touchdown, as Keira Knightley will pull a trick play and show off her anorexic ribs...thus, distracting the Academy voters as they check the box.

The only two films I've seen in the past year that I would describe as Oscar-worthy, are not even nominated: The Lookout and Paris, Je T'aime. This is more of a reflection of how few films I have seen this year as I've taken the screenwriting career off the backburner and put it in the freezer. I've devoted my free time to short story and novel writing and thus, I read.

As always, I'll keep my observations in chronological order and with as little as editing as possible-

"They won't mingle, don't worry." John Stewart on inviting screenwriters to the Vanity Fair Oscar Party and he's dead on with that one.

I'm glad to see that Javier Bardem didn't keep his "never get p*ssy in a million years haircut." His name for that hairstyle, not mine.

"Diablo Cody, you've gone from a stripper, to an Oscar-nominated screenwriter...I hope you enjoy the paycut." Stewart is going subtle and I wonder if people outside of the movie industry are getting half of these good jokes.

You the readers, had all probably enjoyed wonderful little appetizers and plats principaux during your viewing (a.k.a. entrées). Me? Where's my Safeway Buffalo wings? The pull date says they went south, Thursday. So I go with the backup, Blazin' Buffalo Ranch Doritos, 'cause I'm low rent like that.

Congratulations to Brad Bird and if I were to go by "The Iron Giant" and "The Incredibles," I'd imagine that "Ratatouille" should be a great film. Yet I still haven't seen it because I just can't get over the thought of a rat being in a kitchen, even though I've eaten Kentucky Fried Chicken in Manhattan.

Kiss me Cate. By the way Helen Mirren, you've never called, so I have to rescind the offer. So Cate? Come see about me.

Isn't it amazing how "Tim Burton" in an Italian accent, sounds a lot like "timber?"

Did John Stewart just compare Cate Blanchett to a pitbull? Get your eyes checked, son. Rosanne Barr, maybe. Cate? Not likely.

Javier won! Or was it the hair? Yeah, that's it, it's gotta be the hair. Doesn't that hair just make you melt, ladies and some of the gentlemen?

Or is it that it makes your eyes melt in horror?

Speaking of horror, that little nightmare montage that would've been shown if the writer's strike continued? Yeah, The Missus wakes up like that every single day, still married to me after sixteen years. As a matter of fact, if she were to title our little union, it would be something like this classic.

Le Mozart Des Pickpockets? Mais, non! Ceci est fou! Members of the Academy, "The Tonto Woman" is an Elmore F*uckin' Leonard story! Actually look at your ballots the next time, instead of using them as coasters!

If you really want to see Tilda act, check out The Deep End. A good movie that somehow escaped everyone's attention.

Um, I know everybody else has beat me to this punch and blogged about it already, but, uh, Jessica Alba? That quite possibly will be the only way that you will ever get on this particular stage.

Congratulations to Coens on Best Screenplay Adapted From Other Material. Now how's about putting the other Cormac on the map? Then maybe Cate will come see about me.

Seth Rogen is right in that out of the two of them, he looks more like Halle Berry.

Marion Cotillard won and doesn't the Academy love transformations? Seeing her as Edith Piaf was a hellva makeup job, on par with Linda Hunt's in "The Year Of Living Dangerously." Does that mean that she should've beat Cate? Hells no, but Cate will always be a winner in my heart. Or is it that she has won my heart? Cate, (everybody altogether) come see about me.

"The Bourne Ultimatum" has won a bunch of technical awards, obviously this is just keep Procrastinator Junior in the room because other than "Ratatouille" and "Surf's Up," this is the only other nominated film that he's seen.

At ninety-eight years old, you're damn right the orchestra didn't interrupt Robert F. Boyle. If I should live that long, I hope to be that sharp. As is, I pause as much as he does in conversation and I'm only forty-two.

Helen Mirren just called to say that I am a blogging bastard that owes her money and no, she won't come see about me.

I don't know what song this is that just came on after the Best Foreign Picture Oscar, but out comes the mute button and members of the Academy, this is your second warning tonight. If I have to give you a third warning, you'll be getting a timeout. Plus I'll make you watch Jessica Alba in "Fantastic Four" until your eyes fold inside out into your skulls.

John Stewart, you rock and you rule. Bringing Markéta Irglová back out, shows twenty auditorium's worth of class.

How does Roger Deakins not win for Best Cinematographer? With him, I don't even miss Barry Sonnenfeld as the Coens shot caller.

Cate, honest, I won't go all Roberto Benigni-did on Stephen Spielberg's leg-on you. Come see about me.

Oh, Junior and I saw "Sicko," and we were disappointed that it didn't win for Best Documentary.

Wow, Diablo Cody wins it all! I'm proud of her for turning everything that the establishment represents, on its ear! A swift kick in the nuts to the old boy network! Tee it up, Diablo, tee it up!
...and it's good!

Right through the uprights!

No one drinks Daniel Day Lewis's milkshake...no one.

I take that back, maybe the Coen Brothers, because they have two straws! To see Martin Scorsese and The Coens on the same stage, says all is right in the movie universe.

And The Coens win for Best Picture! Hurrah!

In closing, so I have seen some of the nominees, just not the ones for the non-technical categories. So, there will be blood unless Cate Blanchett comes to see about me, then there will be milkshakes for all, and...I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm tired and I'm out of here...

Princess Ladybug and Wendy's Meme

This meme from Princess Ladybug via Wendy is fairly straight forward and fun.

Instructions: For each of the following, search Google Images and post your favorite pic. To make things easier, the meme questions are in red and numbered.

1. Where I grew up:


The closest I could get to the old neighborhood is this pic and I looked at dozens of pictures. The denizens of the web are discriminating on the less photogenic side of the canyon. For almost the first fifteen years of my life, I lived beyond those trees at the top left hand corner.

2. Where I live now:

Rather than take a new photo, I recycled this one and yes, the branches are gone. As a matter of fact, they cut into my President's Day sleep when they trimmed these trees.

3. My name:

No, my name is not "flower." My name is too distinct to give you a clue beyond this and it's rare enough that people will bother from my past will bother me if they see it on the web.

4. My Grandmother's name:

No, my grandmother wasn't Nora Charles. She was a "Myrna," however. Oh...and uh, JJ is my father. No, not literally.

5. My favorite food:

My favorite food is pasta and if I had to eat it prepared a certain every day, it would be with pesto alla Genovese, or "pasta with pesto" as it is called in America. Pesto means "paste" in Italian and Genovese is in the Genoan-style.

6. My favorite drink:

I love this stuff, though I can't afford to drink it everyday, let alone more than twice a week. It's a nice occasional drink and if I made more money...

7. My favorite smell:

Um, since this is mixed company, let's go with food and damn if I don't love the smell of steak.

So there it is. I'll keep the tagging to a minimum and tag the last two people who tagged me, Quin and Johnny Dollars.

Happy Birthday To My Favorite Blog Crush

Her name is Becky, she was a showgirl
But that was seven years ago, when they used to have a show
Now it's the mosh pit, but not for Becky
No more acid-wash jeans she used to wear and gel in her hair
She stays home and watches American Idol
She lost her favorite booth and she lost her Tony (Manaro)
Kelly Preston is her rival!

At the Copa (CO!), Copa-ka-slama (Copakaslama)
The hottest spot north of Alabama (here)
At the Copa (CO!), Copa-ka-slam-ahhh
Headbanging and thrashing were always the fashion
At the Copa....don't fall in love(Copa) don't fall in love
Copakaslama
Copakaslama

The Paper Anniversary Of The Bad Lieutenant's Wife

Today, the Bad Lieutenant's Wife is one year old and note that I dropped "French" from the title, ages ago. That is not due to any odd ball resentment towards Le français, the title just rolls off the tongue easier. Besides, they call the English Ros bif, so they can't be that bad.

Do You Have The Post Valentine's Day Blues?

Do you have the post-Valentine's Day blues? Well just be thankful that it's not 1929 and that you are stuck working Valentine's in a certain little garage in Chicago, because then you'd really have something to be sad about. Other than telling you to "toughen up, you wussy!" Try reading these stories here or here. With the exception of that Cormac character's drivel, there's not a dog in the bunch. Good solid fiction with enough twists and turns to at least temporarily distract you from your love-related woes.

Oh, and you'll never win her heart with a stuffed emu. So you have no right to be sad because it's all your fault.

Is Quin Cupid? A Meme

Quin tagged me on Valentine's Day, does that make her Cupid? Her guy, the Weather Guy (no, not "Guy Smiley") tagged her and she hit me with this one-

a. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
b. Tag seven people to do the same.
c. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it".
d. even if I tag you, you don't gotta do it, but I'll be curious to see your answers!

See, I agreed to this sight unseen, but no offense to Quin, I'm running out of embarrassing things because of I went through them with the last four out of the last five memes.

1) I am a savory person and I will pass up desert for seconds of dinner. At Thanksgiving, I will load up on thirds, instead of pie.

2) If you've read this blog before, you'll know that Procrastinator Junior doesn't want me to drink alcohol (barring the occasional beer). The thing is, I don't even sneak one when he's asleep. As of late, I could use a glass of Bailey's...or four, but once you give your word to your offspring, you know?

3) I haven't gotten a new VCR since the old one died last year and a DVR is out of the question, finance-wise. So if it doesn't come on before I go to work, I don't watch it. I bailed out on the CSIs, two of the Law & Orders and everything else that comes on after nine and I don't miss them...too much.

4) As long as I have the Internet and books, I could almost go without TV. Most of the time it is on as just background noise when Junior isn't watching.

5) It has been so long since I've seen a movie in the theaters, I literally cannot remember the last one I've seen. I know it was last summer and I took Junior, that's about it.

6) My spelling has improved dramatically with blogging, yet I still can't spell some of the most basic words and I have lousy spelling intuition. For example? "Embarassing," which was how it was before spell check caught it.

7) Looking at number four, I am repeating myself as I am sure I've brought that up in the past. That's part of the reason I don't want to blog anymore, I repeat myself thematically and I'm caught in a loop...in a loop...in a loop...in a loop...

You Can Lead A Horse To Water...

...but you can't lead readers to a blog. Jeez, I told youse I was postin' herre and all of three people have gone over.

Happy Valentine's Day!