Random Musings, Bruisings, & Aloe-scented Soothings #7

Looks like all I needed was a couple of days off to allow myself to actually have a random thought. Still, seven is not my lucky number, but hey. So without further ado...

Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It’s all about the Benjamins baby

No, actually Diddy, here it’s all about the Lincolns, baby.

How many of you have seen ads for auto mechanic schools on TV? No, you in the back, put your hand down because I know you don’t watch TV. I saw one the other day for Universal Technical Institute or, good old "U.T.I."
http://www.uticorp.com/default.aspx?tabid=254

That’s right, all the ladies in the audience just shifted and winced simultaneously. Fellas, if you don’t know what I’m talking about, go ahead and tell a woman that you’re a graduate of “of good old U.T.I.” and see if that doesn’t earn you a beverage in the face and a couple of objects winged at your head.

I am the King of Take Out. The Tsar of Take Away, bow to my greatness.

There is a company that runs an infomercial with Tom Bosley and they sell tchotchkes
http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?va=tchotchkes or rather, you sell these items for them, “and you keep the profits.” In the short commercial version of the infomercial, one man testifies that he made a three-hundred percent profit. Excuse me, he just went on TV and said that he marked everything up three-hundred percent...if you see this guy, I don’t care if you bought anything from him or not, kick his ass from wherever you are, all the way to Australia.

Remember that idiot kid that used to scrape his fingernails on the chalkboard just to see that looks of agony on his classmates faces? Well, he grew up and he is literally around the corner from me, working on the road crew. I don’t know what the hell that they’re doing, but it is metal-on-metal-on-concrete and I am not exaggerating when I say there isn’t a bird within blocks of my neighborhood when he goes at it. To give you an idea, it is like those nails on chalkboard hooked up to a wall of Marshall amplifiers.

What do you give a graduate of “of good old U.T.I,” anyway? A case of cranberry juice? A box of Azo?

Do you want to know where the real money is? Replacing the sewers in San Francisco. I’m not kidding, the entire Inner Sunset district is under siege and the majority of the sewers go back to the 1920s. The entire City’s sewage system is due for an overhaul, there are logistical and weather problems to get in the way. Get yourself a smart legal team so that you can have the City foot for the overruns and delays. There’s room for millions to disappear.

It has come to my attention via early morning channel changing that there is a “Girls Gone Wild Island.” Why the White House has permitted this threat to democracy to exist in our hemisphere is beyond my comprehension and something must be done at once before our entire way of life is compromised and the entire country is turned into a San Fernando Valley video shoot.

We must pull all of our troops out of Iraq, launch a pre-emptive strike to defeat this impending menace before all is lost and we are overrun! I have volunteered to lead an expeditionary force as the need to gather logistical information grows with every freedom-threatening second, but the Missus said something about:

A) Launching a pre-emptive strike on me.
B) Her foot.
C) My posterior.
D) And that a team of doctors and specialists would be incapable of doing anything.