Saturday, August 12, 2006

This Post Is Exclusively For The Press

I'm tired of the reporters calling me at all hours of the day. I'm sick of the stalkerazzi staking out my apartment from every side and every angle. This will be the only time that I will ever comment on this incident, so here we go:

First, outside of being in transit through LAX, I haven't been to Los Angeles since 1996.

Second, I am not a "biter."

Third, I am not, nor have I ever been, a member of the Communist Party.

Fourth, I am not, nor have I ever been, a kinkajou.

Fifth, my doctor insists that I maintain a skank-free diet, so you know it wasn't me.

Stop calling me, stop emailing me. Don't throw pebbles or kittens at my window. And, don't take my picture or I will go off on you like some Frankenstein-like genetic combination of Sean Penn and Alec Baldwin.

You up in the tree with the Nikon and the lense the size of a midget, I've got your "Baby Luv" right here, pal!

Go bother Marv Albert or something.


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