Watch Out, There Goes a Spider Public Enemy #1

In Chinese culture, spiders are supposed to be good luck or so I've been told. This hasn't caught on in Western culture like feng shui, ginger for digestion, noodles, and that food that they serve you. You know, the kind that they try and pass off as actual Chinese cuisine? Barring serious starvation, there's no way in hell that they would eat that.

I've had allegedly "good" Chinese food in Queens, Long Island, Los Angeles, and Parma, Italy that was built up and praised all the way to those restaurants. Trust me, what they serve you is equivalent to the Chinese, as Taco Bell is to real homemade Mexican food and to Mexicans. If you don't see what's wrong with that, then I'll just speculate that you are inexperienced...or that you get what you deserve. Always if you can, eat where the people native to that particular cuisine eat.

So that spiders are good luck seems to be a well-kept secret as I've only heard this from a few, but it makes sense because they eat insects and thus, help get rid of disease. When a spider is spotted in our apartment, they get a first-class one-way trip to the landing out in front, where they are gently lowered. It's a compromise, the Missus is no fan of spiders, nor exactly is Procrastinator Jr.

Not only am I the designated lifter and mover of heavy objects, but the official spider relocator of the house. The Missus will summon me with a scream and immediately I will gather an envelope or a magazine, depending on the size of the spider as they love to run back towards the means of conveyance and up my arm. The arm part is not so much minded by me, as the fact that they will then drop off my arm (too hairy?) and underfoot, not of my volition.

I try to explain to the Missus that she is over a hundred times taller than the spiders and that her shrieks and jumps scare the spiders, far more than they scare her...

I was just minding my own business, walking down the street when that banshee titaness started an earthquake and hurled objects...this big. No, I'm not kidding! Then the next thing you know, this billboard ad for carpet cleaning...yeah, "carpet cleaning," can you imagine? How are you going to get all the good bugs if you clean the carpet? So, anyway, this billboard just sweeps me up and the next thing I know, I'm fifteen blocks back. It took me an hour to get there and the next thing I know, it's like I never left my front door.

...Yet, each time, she's not convinced and somehow she fears the spiders more. So spiders are already upset at me over that, then some poor spider is being deprived of both home and food for four days in a row. He, she, or they have put various webs up in the garage or on the stairway, and I've managed to walk into each and every one of them. A couple of them were more than a single strand, but the first strand is the hardest for a spider when they have to swing that distance to establish it.

Everywhere I go in the stairway, garage or laundry room, I manage to demolish their work and I swear I can hear a faint nyyyy-aaaah, grrrrr, whoop-whoop-whoop just like Curly of the Three Stooges...followed by four small legs slapping a forehead in exasperation. I am American Spider's Most Wanted.