Birthday Love

The Missus made me a special birthday dinner. We started the meal with salad of crab and avocado-



Fresh dungeness crab, avocado, sour cream, tomatoes and spices.



This is a Culinary Institute of America recipe and she followed it almost to the letter. The only thing she didn't include were the jalapeño peppers. The dish could've used them, but it is a flawed dish in design, because all of the tomatoes and peppers are on the bottom. Everything would be better off placed in alternating layers. Giving it a chance for smoother blending of the flavors (if you mix it too much, it tends to make things mushy).



Mind you, I'm not criticizing her cooking, but the recipe itself. The crab and avocado were wonderfully fresh and flavorful. It's hard though when someone puts that kind of effort into a first-time dish and the creators of said dish, let that cook down.

Then came the ginger-marinated pork.



Outf*ckin' standing! If you're going to try this recipe at home, I'd cut the soy sauce down and split the 1/4 cup of it in half with water, as it was a tad salty.

Quin's "The Adventures of Margaret and Neville" are sight to read, I mean, see. Comedies involving manners are harder than you think to write, there has to be a certain level of nuance or you go right over the top and it loses direction to become something altogether wrong. Quin knows that and for her, the little tightrope of nuance may as well be an eight-lane freeway, as crosses that chasm with ease like a writing Wallenda.

Quin relented to my badgering for my birthday and wrote a chapter where Margaret's life took an unexpected turn, check it out.

Tanya sent me a wonderful E-Card, that was worth the download wait for dial-up.

So, a big thanks to everyone who made my birthday special!

P.S. The highlight of the morning was a phone call with the every-busy Katie, as we bagged on Coco and caught up with the dishing.

What Comes Around, Goes Around, I'll Tell You Why

Dang-nation, that meme from last summer is coming back around and before I could duck, Bubs lowered the bridge. So I have to find seven things about this old Procrastinator that you never knew before.

1) I go through bouts of laziness, followed by bouts of productiveness. One obviously influences the other and combined. These bouts are a hamster wheel that I need to get off of. Jane, stop this crazy thing!

2) Despite being an aspiring writer, I am constantly at a loss of words, for some of the most basic things. I would chalk this up to different parts of the brain and my tendency to be introverted. Which leads me to...

3) ...I can't talk on the phone anymore. I am too used to using email and the phone is now, just plain awkward for me.

4) Only about five people at work know that I write and only one of them has read anything that I've done this year. I'll put it to you another way.

"a" equals the propensity in my company for people to gossip.
"b" equals the propensity for people to get things twisted.
a + b = One huge conflagration of a clusterf**k.

To speak of one of my most polite reservations (out of many) I have for revealing my work to others, is the fact that my writing is separate from who I am as a person. If I write about outer space, that doesn't mean that I am from outer space, capisce? You certainly can make that distinction if you are still her, though I doubt that certain others can.

5) For someone who appreciates delicate and flavorful cuisines, I rarely reveal my love of German food. There's nothing subtle about it and it rarely compliments any wine. Well, I rarely drink wine and I love meat and potatoes...more importantly, I love German food. Um, except sauerbraten, which I just barely tolerate.

6) I'll bet I brought number three up before and I'll tell you why. I have a tendency to go to the same thought or sentiment well, one time too many. I often don't notice until about a second, until an hour after I click "send" or "publish post." I rarely make such mistakes during conversation, because I rarely talk.

7) I'm not the greatest speller and The Lord and Beth know how bad my grammar is, but I never seen so much illiteracy as I have with sports message boards. At the very least, the message boards should provide some kind of spell check, because what I have had to witness, just burns my eyes.

You'll have to look for yourselves for examples, I don't want you to blame me for your temporary blindness.

Now comes the tagging part and I'm going where you've rarely gone before:

Is That So Wrong
Princess Ladybug
Rick Crowley
Nicole, because this is the only to lure her over here.
Eric

and even though she's already been tagged, Becky, because I'm tagging her the rest of her life.

Who Is Procrastinating? Not This Guy

So rather than finish the final chapter of the Anniversary post, I'm chipping away at a short story that should've been finished this morning and I'm checking out Food Wishes...kinda, there's only so much you can check out on dial-up. Don't be misled by that nasty picture of the buffalo bean, the recipes there are pretty tasty.

Yummm, killer soup.

A Food Flippin' Mario?

A Mario Batali action figure? Apparently so. Does he come with Crocs, Coaster?

Bartender? Updates All Around!

First, the Food Network giveth, and the Food Network taketh away...

I missed it. Because I so seldomly watch TV, as leave it on as background noise, this household doesn't have a DVR and the VCR is just collecting dust. Yes, I missed Liz Hickok kicking ass and taking names, she won!

AT & T Park didn't win for "Best Ballpark Eats," though.

Second, Guy's still overseas in Melinda June Land...


Hello everyone, hope you’re happy and hale!

I managed to convince the terrific Irish actress Donnla Hughes to be in a short movie, and so you can catch her in “Little Bill Pilling” at http://www.youtube.com/Guyjjackson

For those of you in or around London, I’m performing in two big shows coming up: “Express Excess” (‘London’s best night of poetry’ says Time Out magazine) at The Enterprise, Chalk Farm Tube, May 16th, 8:30PM, and “Night of the Living Dolls” at 33 Oxford St, Old Crown Pub, May 23rd, 8PM

And those all-original storytelling CDs of mine are available from the “shop” at http://www.lazygramophone.com/

Thanks as always for your time and consideration, and do take care!

Sincerely,

Guy J.


Stay strong, Guy! Oh, and good luck getting a decent bowl of cornflakes or Jello.

Third? A new product tomorrow for the shop tomorrow, today is about everybody else.

Restaurant Meme

Katie tagged me yet again and here are the rules: "list your top 5 favorite places to eat and tag 5 other people who live in different cities, states or countries."

1) Well, Katie asked me about Izzy's, so now she gets to find out. A former speakeasy and in my opinion, the best steakhouse in San Francisco. The website says that "one of Izzy’s great fans was William Soroyan, the celebrated California-Armenian writer of the 1930s and 1940s. His famous play, 'The Times of Their Lives,' was said to have been set at Izzy’s saloon."

Well, if you're going to set a play up with Yuppies and Marina Chicks, this is the place. Ah, so what? I'll put up with Anne Coult-shmear, as long as I get a 21-day aged steak and he stays at his, excuse me, I meant, her own table. Or get the New York au poive, as long as you chose "Izzy's Own," the best restaurant scalloped potatoes and the creamed spinach.

They make a nice burger. Procrastinator Junior thinks so too, though he doesn't like the crab cakes as they are nearly all crab. When you're eleven, breading has a greater importance. They make a decent Caesar, though it isn't what it once was. Great oysters and desserts, what more do you need?

2) If you talk about steakhouses, taste tends to be subjective. One man's perfect steak, is another one's shoe leather. One guy swore to me up and down to me about how great a particular place was. I tried it and let me be perfectly honest, I have had better quality meat in a Japantown Denny's chicken-fried steak. But prime rib? Ask anyone who knows prime rib and they'll tell you the House of Prime Rib.

As I mentioned before in my fifty foods to try before you expire, they make fantastic Yorkshire pudding.

Now comes the hard part and I've spent the better part of the day mulling over the next two slots.

3) Minh Tri is my favorite Vietnamese restaurant. Honestly, there may be better ones out there, but I'm all too content with this eatery. As was mentioned in this post, these are my favorites...

"A) Bi Cuon-Vietnamese spring rolls with shredded pork, mint leaves, lettuce and rice noodles. The outer skin is like a soft tortilla and is made out of rice paper. The outer skin is not deep-fried.B) Tasty Beef-The one and only reason why I go exclusively to this restaurant for a Vietnamese dinner. Eggplant, beef, garlic, onions, and (scrambled) eggs sauteed.C) Ginger Chicken-Succulent chicken and a few green beans sauteed with a jullianed ginger sauce.D) Broccoli Beef-Beef and broccoli sauteed in a fermented bean sauce, though it tastes more like oyster sauce to me."

4) Cue Molly Shannon and..."Burma Superstar!" As I've said before, Burmese cuisine is a wonderful blends of Indian, Thai, and Chinese cuisines. Good stuff, Maynard.

5) If I follow Katie's example of listing dessert last and mind you, I'm not a dessert person. Follow Fred Astaire singing "Cheek to Cheek," but insert Tart to Tart instead. Heaven, I'm in Heaven, chocolate ganache cake. Need I say more? Ah, I didn't think so.

Sunday Night

The last three Sunday nights in a row, we (the household, not the "royal") have been watching Tiramisu and Asian Buffet.

"Tiramisu" is 70% soap opera (read, melodrama), 20% comedy and about 10% food. Let me preface this by admitting that I am a snob, I would not watch "Tiramisu" if it were an American or British production. Barring the occasional lust...er, crush, on a particular actress, I will not watch soap operas at all.

Half the acting on the show is substandard, even by soap opera standards. It's not hard to deduce that the lesser actors were cast solely upon their looks and English-speaking abilities. Yet, there is a certain chemistry and it works.

"Asian Buffet" kicks ass on so many levels, no show comes even close. Sure, Bourdain could make any show in the World worth watching, but neither he nor the entire Travel Channel can cover as much ground as this show does. I'm talking about recreations of royal feasts from Persia (yes I know it's Iran, I meant dishes from the Persian Empire), to Tibet, to Thailand, to Okinawa.

Tonight, they had the role that spices play in Asian cuisine. Hot peppers from the interior of Thailand all the way up to the Sichuan Province. Curries and masala in India. The whole process of making wasabi in Japan, from the fields, all the way up to the sushi. It's definitely a show you don't want to watch while you are hungry.

Let's Get Mikey And Adventures With Korean BBQ

Um, thanks but no thanks, I have my own.

Or...ah yes, the "adult" version of the Life Cereal ad: I know, let's get Mikey, he'll grab anything...

This pic, courtesy of Married with Dinner. Which is not a show with Sydney Poiter and Katy Segal...

Try, try, try, and separate them, it's an illusion

Sydney Poiter: They call me Mis-ter Bun-dy!

...but a blog about food and marriage.

Wouldn't you know it? No parental or familial obligations tonight, to get in the way of seeing "The Lookout" and the movie isn't playing anywhere near San Francisco. So do I write instead? Naw, blog-hopping and plenty of it.

I hit all the blogs I didn't hit yesterday, visit a few from back in the day and then I hit the food blogs, which trigger all kinds of memories.

Mind you, I will do anything the Missus asks me to, but my real devotion is to my taste buds. Back in '91, I went to get some photos developed on Geary Boulevard and I spotted a Korean barbecue joint. I saw via a menu in their window that they had bul go ki and it was on, like Original Star Trek with The Federation against the Klingons! If you've never had bul go ki? Think beef teriyaki, only sweeter...literally.

Five years previous to that, a friend of mine that refused to get his driver's license used to have me chauffeur him to Downtown Berkeley, from that hellish suburb that I was stuck in. The only way he could get me to go, was to spring for either Blondie's Pizza or this little bul go ki and rice restaurant. While Blondie's still thrives to this very day, that rice place closed after a few months. Those damn hippie heathens didn't realize how good they had it.

My nostalgic taste buds got the better of me and demanded that the Missus and I go to that restaurant that very night, regardless of the fact that I had no idea if the place was any good.

Four hours later, plenty of parking and the place was Spartan as hell. There was a plant or two and about twenty tables. Four chairs to a table and a metal hood above each table.

The Missus and I were the only ones in the joint, yet it took the Waitress about two minutes to poke her head out of the kitchen. She came out and handed us two menus. I had no idea what to order besides the bul go ki, so I ordered the barbecue special which included that, plus kal bi.

The Waitress then asked me, "do you want it here, or do you want it in the kitchen?"

Dear Penthouse, I never thought that this would happen to me...

...no, you don't crack wise, "go there" or do anything that might remotely negatively influence the people that serve you food. I didn't joke and I said slowly, but calmly, "I'll have it here." Of course, I had no idea what she was talking about until she brought out the charcoal hibachi.

The sucker was hot, as in melt your eyebrows if you leaned over it and this was back in the day when women, and men used entirely too much hairspray. I wondered what their insurance premiums were like. Then, this tray brought out the Waitress. I say the tray "brought her out" because the thing was so damn huge. It had banchan on it. Korean appetizers-slash-side dishes.

We are talking every vegetable under the Korean sun that could be marinated, pickled, or mixed with hot pepper paste, or garlic. The pickled cabbage that is kimchi, broccoli, eggplant, carrots, cucumbers, three different kinds of sprouts, spinach, and I mean these little dishes took up virtually all the remaining space around the hibachi, save for...

...the next tray, which was about a third as big as the first. On there were plates of marinated beef, bul go ki and the kal bi, which she cut with scissors. She showed us the basics of grilling and then we were on our own. It's a wonderful experience and you develop such a rhythm, that you feel like you could never burn anything on that grill but your arms.

The kal bi was fairly good and the bul go ki was even better. We went one more time, but I've never been back since. The Missus nor anyone I know on the West Coast, has an appreciation for banchan and I had since discovered that there were bul go ki bottled marinades in even the most Wonder Bread of the suburbs, here in the Bay Area. So I just buy the occasional jar of marinade and save my forearms a singeing or two.

More Food Vidcap Madness

My therapy this past week, has been to update this blog's tags and to create two new blogs. I've also hit just about every blog on my link list and I've checked out the TVgasm archives for more Food Network-related madness.

This is not quite as funny as the Giada's "cranberry incident," but silly, nonetheless. Then this one just makes me wish I were fresh pasta. The thing is, Rachael Ray and Paula Deen are funny in real time, but Giada is funnier in stop-motion mode, via vidcaps. I can relate to her in that we both make lousy poker players and our faces have "tells," or "giveaways." Much like the dogs playing poker in the painting.

Most of the dishes she cooks are pretty good, but she should taste-test everything before the show, instead of going with an untested dish on camera.

The Second Funniest Food Blog Entry, Ever

So Procrastinator Junior is sick, which means the both of us have to stay inside. Stir crazy yet? Naw, I have the Internet and Lord if I didn't strike blogging gold. This is the second funniest food-related blog entry, ever. Anthony Bourdain savages most of the Food Network personalities, as well as his former employer.

You don't believe me? Check out this Bourdain excerpt on Giada DeLaurentis:

What’s going on here!? Giada can actually cook! She was robbed in her bout versus Rachael Ray on Iron Chef America. ROBBED!

And Food Net seems more interested in her enormous head (big head equals big ratings. Really!) and her cleavage--than the fact that she’s likeable, knows what she’s doing in an Italian kitchen--and makes food you’d actually want to eat. The new high concept Weekend Getaway show is a horrible, tired re-cap of the cheap-ass “Best Of” and “40 Dollar a Day” formula.

Send host to empty restaurant. Watch them make crappy food for her. Have her take a few lonely, awkward stabs at the plate, then feign enjoyment with appropriately orgasmic eye-closing and moaning..Before spitting it out and rushing to the trailer. Send her to Italy and let her cook. She’s good at it.

Of course, my most favorite, funniest food-related blog entry of all time is this one...

Top Cleft

In the tradition of a Brand Nubian song, "Marcels Go To Bars To Get Beat Down."

Marcel: This girl came up to me at a nightclub and asked me if I was Marcel from Top Chef. The next thing I knew, this bottle struck me, and my friends had to rush me to the hospital. I needed 30 stitches for this.

I didn't like the guy on the show, but I never insult or assault people that prepare or serve food. It's the kind of karma that comes back around to you, entirely too fast and all too wrong.

(I spotted the Marcel-bit on Beth Spotswood's blog)

Eric's World O' Food

If you knew Mxyzptlk, like I knew Mxyzptlk, you would know that only world he visits for all things of a culinary nature, is Eric's World of Food. There's even a Churrasco recipe, which will give me an opportunity to use the only sentence of German that I know:

"Aus dem veg, Ich will zum steak."

BTW, why doesn't Trader Joe's make chimichurri sauce anymore?

I Didn't Look Down And I Stepped In Meme

Ah, gadzooks! I asked Katie something and she in turn, asked me in kind.

You see, Katie brought this up (note the picture of Louie, the Super Dog. He only stood still for a second before he saved twenty children from a burning bus) and then, that up. So I said "what about 10 things you need to know about your Katie?....I'm waiting."

So I opened my mouth and got memed.

I'm not passing this one on, mostly because I brought this upon myself. So without further ado, fither ado, even, Snagglepuss, here it is...

1) I've got a temper. Damn, I mean, I've got a temper. Having Procrastinator Jr. in the car has saved me from many a fight or even worse things. I have to be an example for my kid, which brings me to...

2) It's easy for me to stay drug and alcohol free, but not swear free. I try to keep it clean on my blog and I steer away from racier issues because I don't want the in-laws or specifically, my nieces and nephews to get the wrong impression. My Sitemeter sez that they don't come here, but some search engines keep everything you say up there, for nearly an eternity.

F**king Internet B*st*rds! Once I start cussing, it doesn't stop and I even make people with Tourette's wince.

So, in person with Junior around, you will hear me say "Mother Hubbard!" and "Jiminey Cricket!" more than an adult should (like any adult should talk like that). He hears enough f-bombs when walking past the bus stop from kids who are oblivious to young ears, just like I was at that age.

3) I am a person of color, many colors actually and I'm not saying which, at this time. If you saw me, you wouldn't get half of my racial makeup correct and if someone comes off at me, a little narrow-minded, I will make it a point not to tell them just what those races are. The worst example of this was back in '89 when I was a checker at Safeway and a woman asked me, "what are you?"

Me: I'm a human being.
Odd Woman: I know that, what are you?
Me: I'm an American. (to the Head Checker) I'm going on break.
Odd Woman: No, where were you born?
Me: San Francisco.
Odd Woman: No, where were your parents born?
Me: In America.

The Odd Woman followed me back to just short of the break room and I didn't say another word to her. It seems insensitive now, but you have to realize that she wasn't gonna be happy until she put me into a category. I don't fall into a category, not for the census and not for her with that tone. Hey, speaking of narrow-minded people wasting my time...

4) I've still got more issues than the back catlogue of Nation Geographic for a certain suburb east of Oakland. You know your "happy place?" All I've got to do is hear the name of that suburb and I get to my "psycho place," real fast. There's about eight years of my life that they owe me and hell yeah, I still got that grudge.

5) Loyal readers of this blog know that I'm a big kid, but now everybody knows. In my family, it's okay to watch cartoons well into retirement age and I see myself playing video games well past my time of passing. So be forewarned, keep whatever the future incarnations of Playstation and Xbox outside of your house or in a sound-proof room. Because that ghost that will be keeping you up by racking up the high score at four in the morning, will be me.

6) There are crappy songs that I love, but I'm too embarassed to buy or I never get around to buying. "Poison" by Britney Spears, "Rock Your Body," by Justin Timberlake, "I Belive In A Thing Called Love" by The Darkness, off the top of my head, because I was going to do a guilty pleasures post like Beth. If vinyl singles were still around, I would own songs like that in my collection. I'm not paying five or six dollars plus shipping for the CD singles and I won't download them, so your ears are safe when you come by my house or ride in my car. Speaking of cars...

7) I listen to the radio, even though the selection of music and the constant commercials aggravate me to no end. I could afford a satellite radio, but I won't pay for one. I could burn CDs from my collection that would keep my happy and would surprise me probably more often than the radio, but I keep listening to the radio.

What makes it worse is that in the San Fransisco Bay Area, most of the stations are owned by only three corporations. So they collude together and time their commercial breaks within seconds of each other so that it's virtually impossible to tune in any music. You'd think I'd learn by now, rather than telling the radio to S.T.F.U. all the way up and down my presets. Go fig'.

Remember what Einstein said, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

8) If some of the things listed above make me seem cheap, I'll let you in on where a lot of my money goes. Women have shopping, some guys have boats or cars that they like to drop a fortune on. Me? Food. I bought a jar of mustard infused with tarragon and didn't even blink at the nearly seven dollar price. I get a craving for crab cakes or prime rib? So be it.

I don't go clubbing anymore, I get drunk only about four times a year, if that. I don't gamble and I'm not the clotheshorse that I was back in my clubbing days. So food eats up most of my free income and some income that really should be going to more important things. But my stomach is happy.

9) Speaking of not gambling, I drop about nine dollars a month on the lotto and that's it. The Missus and I were explaining to Procrastinator Jr. that Vegas didn't like us the one time we went, because both bowed out after we lost $50. Gambling is in my family, not as bad as my Grandfather used to do it and my family stays away from it for the most part, but they have a hard time stopping once they start.

My Grandfather used to play the ponies, the numbers, football pools, anything he could. He used to take me to summer fairs, just so that he could hit the horse tracks they had there. He provided well for the family, but he had to hustle here and there, just to stay ahead of his vice. We're talking selling fireworks out of the trunk, magazines that should've been shipped back to their publishers and those are the things that I can remember now, or that I figured out at the time.

I confine my vices to my screeplays and short stories because no one ever beats the house.

10) I learned Italian from living off and on there, for about a year and a half. That was over some twenty years ago and I find myself speaking Spanish more frequently (I'm not complaining), even though I can barely order a burrito. The problem is that I can't think in both languages and I find that for each word of Spanish that I learn, I forget two words of Italian.

Figura ti, che peccato.

I Owe Katie A Meme

Oh-oh, I owe somebody a meme and I think they won't come back to this blog until I post it.

I had a hard time coming up with six new quirks, as anyone who has regularly read this blog for the past six months, has seen pretty much all of them.

1) I will email you in an instant, but you can wait 'til hell freezes over for written letter from me. I won't even Christmas card you, the Missus is in charge of that department. If it involves stamps, my signature and it's not the rent, don't bother waiting on it.

2) I talk to myself. Not as loud as the schizos on a city corner or people on cell phones (thank you all for making me look slightly saner), but just above a whisper and most of it is non-perinent. I am an only child and sometimes that's how I work things through.

3) I'm a bad friend. When things get difficult as they do through friendships, I let them deteriorate, rather than make the effort to repair them.

4) I do not watch any, and I mean any, TV shows in their first run any more. "My Name Is Earl?" I'm saving for DVD watching next summer and I've gotten bored with police procedurals, which I would have to tape anyway since they start while I'm getting ready for or at work. I even wait for "Top Chef: Season Two" to replay on Bravo, rather than tape it.

5) "You have an appreciation for haute cuisine, yet you go to "In & Out Burger." -The Missus.

6) I have a love/hate relationship with advertising. Let me explain it this way, how would a San Franciscian screenwriter or director live between gigs? We're down to about three major Hollywood productions filming up here, a year. I'm not counting films that shoot five exterior shots and film the rest in Canada, I mean at least forty percent of their filming in the city and Treasure Island Studios.

So what do film people do for work? Advertising. In every fourth car commercial from Mercedes to Mitsubishi, they film in the Marin Headlands, right by Mount Tamalpais. So I decided along time ago to study advertising, because in the City, it's the only film gig that pays the regular bills.

Still, I don't like when ads cannibalize the others. I don't like it when they don't accurately parody or steal from films, and I plain hate advertising because it is the fast track for commercial directors to get the gig over worthy film directors.

So, Katie sez "At the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog."

1. Dani 2. Becka. I told ya, yer tagged for life ; ) 3. James. This where I always slot Gian Don, but I promised him no more memes this year. 4. Chelene, though I know she won't tag anybody else. 5. Dale, who has cracked me up the most this week. 6. And Haahnster.

The Company Party

It's that time of the year...yes, the company party where the Missus works at. And every year, I say the same thing, "yeah, I'd rather have my teeth pulled out." And every year, she brandishes the pliers. You'd think one of us would change it up, yet I cave in like post-Napoleonic France.

And every year, it manages to rain. Now for those of you who have never driven in California when it rains, we only drive two speeds out here: Too fast or too slow. Wanna stop three Californians in their tracks? Sprinkle water on them and watch the first two stop come to a dead stop, and then the other will promptly plow right into them.

This is where video game skills come in handy folks, think slalom. Eleven near-accidents later, Procrastinator Jr. and I were at the aquarium, which is a great place to learn, but not the best place for a party. I'll explain in a few, but first I have to relive the replay with the Stasi, er, security guard.

Five people go in before and the security guard holds the door open for them. I come in and, "um, sir are you hear for the party?" as tries to step and front of me and close the door on me simultaneously. I whip an invitation out on him (no, I really mean an invitation) and then I tell him how I don't appreciate being singled out and discriminated against. Keep this in mind, there are absolutely no other events going on in there or aquarium employees to be picked up. You're either there for the party, or not.

Let me explain it to you, the reader this way...security guards don't like me. Regardless of their age, regardless of their race, regardless of their political or sexual orientation, regardless of what I'm wearing, be it jeans and a t-shirt, or a suit...they plain just don't like me. It's the same in every state I've been to, it's the same in every country I've been to. Now, bouncers? They are about fifty/fifty in their treatment of me, but 98% of the world's security guards go out of their way to show their dislike and disdain of me.

Forty-one years of the same crap and on this, I'm being perfectly serious. If I weren't an honest person, I could make a fortune just walking through a store. Because all of the security guards in there would follow me and thieves could walk out the front door with the entire store under their coats. This character could barely look me in the eye when we left, because he knew he was wrong.

Onward past the one of the poorest excuses for a lower intestinal aperture and on to the good stuff, Tree Frog Treks! They make reptiles fun, no easy task, that. They had all kinds of reptiles. An iguana, the coolest bearded dragon ever, snakes, and even a tortoise. The hare wasn't present, probably still sore about the race. I tell you, that Aesop blackmailed me into taking a dive and besides, that tortoise had the same trainer as Barry Bonds! They hold the reptiles and you can pet them, or you can hold them too.

Oh, I forgot to mention that they closed and tore down the old Steinhart Aquarium, and moved about one-twentieth of the fish to this new site, while they rebuild the old site from the ground up. The new site is more night club than aquarium in its paint and furnishings. The tanks aren't as big as before given the smaller, temporary building. There were no full-sized sharks, penguins, dolphins or manatees, and the like.

The constants of the company party have always been: this cat who makes bubbles with his hands, dim sum from Yank Sing, sushi, and salmon with mashed potatoes, served in a martini glass. The mashed potatoes are topped with salmon, caviar and dried onions. There was no sushi this year, but instead, they had what looked like crab cakes, topped off with a mushroom sauce.

One of the Missus' friends didn't like the taste of the "crab cake" and as I tried one for myself, I saw why. The "crab cake" was actually a rice and mushroom cake, with a crispy mushroom exterior, not a bad vegetarian substitution.

We enjoyed the food, but the surroundings would kill the appetite of most people. Stuffed animals (and I don't mean teddy bears), birds and skeletons. It was like eating at a taxidermist's shop in some places, but it would take more than that to kill my appetite. The bartender's know how to mix and you'd think that people would tip a couple of dollars at an open bar, but maybe they think the bartenders are super-affluent people that do that job just for kicks.

I had a good time and that was made even better because I didn't have to be on my best behavior the whole time. With the party as spread out as it was, as opposed to being clustered up in the office, we could sneak out early without drawing the attention of the whole firm.

Got Cookies?

It seems the California Milk Processor Board thinks it would be a good idea if San Francisco bus stops smell like cookies. I don't know if that will sell more milk, but I do know that it will piss off asthmatics, the homeless, dogs, and those on diets.

Got Anger?

A Food-related "Seperated At Birth?"

We were watching Rachael Ray do her take on Spanish cuisine tonight (isn't brick-pressed chicken, Italian???) and the Missus said, "you know who she sounds like, right?"

Me: No.
The Missus: She sounds just like Rocky.
Me: Wha? (in worst Rocky imitation ever) "Yo, Adrian, how's about some tapas?"
The Missus: No, Rocky, the Squirrel.
Me: Yeah?
The Missus: She looks like her, too.

And I doubt that Rachel would ever put the goggles on, but the Missus kind of has a point.

She Wore A Raspberry Tag-ret...

DDL always humors me when I tag her, so she left an open meme and here's my response...

DO YOU SNORE?

No, though I'm prone to heavy breathing. Stop laughing, I mean in my sleep.

ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?

I'm a lover that loves to fight, and I fight to love, and...

I'm all over the place. I am a lover, but when I get angry enough , I have no sense and will take on almost anybody.

WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR?

Only the Missus knows most of them and Procrastinator Jr. knows about a fifth of them. I'm not trying to be a bad sport, but I will not put them on the web for all to see.

AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?

I was more about Hot Wheels, Godzilla and Ultraman, but Legos were in there somewhere.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF “REALITY” TV?

In general, it's a waste of time, though it's not the decline of civilization as people make it out to be. Most who would act like idiots on reality TV, would do so in the absence of cameras as well. These shows just provide a platform for their egotism and idiocy.

I watched only a few episodes of "Blind Date" this season, so my fascination with dating shows in general, has faltered to an all-time low. I will watch pretty much anything on the TLC for five minutes, "Top Chef," and any show involving cars. "Project Greenlight; Season Three," was some of the best TV ever.

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?

I stopped teething at two. Speaking of which...

WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?

Hell yeah, then I became an awkward looking child. I was all hair, teeth and lips...which I didn't grow into until I was fourteen.

IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?

No and I've never really cottoned to it when I was a bachelor.

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?

Is this like that book from the 70's, "What Color Is Your Parachute?" The laptop is a light grey and I'll be editing this on a black keyboard at home.

DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?

Not half as much as when I was a teenager. I just tried to sing along to Y & T's "Rescue Me" in the car and I didn't hit any of the notes properly.

HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?

No "strange fruit" here. Anything that remotely looks like a rope and I'll be way the hell over there, thank you very much.

ANY SECRET TALENTS?

No one that knows me personally, knows that I'm a writer. Seriously. Outside of prodco, contest and studio readers, the Missus, Procrastinator Junior's Godmother, Mr. C, and Mr. C's friends are the only people who have read my scripts in their entirety. My brother-in-law has one of my short stories and that's about it.

WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?

Italia, Italia, Italia.

CAN YOU SWIM?

I dog-paddle more now. I used to be able kick, Crispin Glover, but not anymore, and I was never good with my arms.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?

No, dammit! I keep forgetting to rent it.

DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?

Absolutely, but not to the point that I'm gonna wait on Muni (the S.F. bus and streetcar system) for forty minutes for a trip that should take Muni only twenty.

HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?

I don't know, this question gets me too worked up. So go ask Mr. Owl, Alice, Lil' Kim or Prince.

CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?

I can't sing it or say it, but I can see some words backwards because of my dyslexia.

DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?

I don't use pencils, because I'm one of the those left-handers that smears everything. Procrastinator Jr. uses a manual one.

WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?

Personally? I'm not for it. But it doesn't mean that you can't.

IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?

Um, hello! It's in my past, in my present and sure as hell better be in my future!

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

No.

WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?

Pollen, cats, dairy to a degree, dust, and most Republicans.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU”?

Every time I look in the mirror? Kidding. Every day to the Missus and Procrastinator Jr, especially before I leave for work.

DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?

A tear wells up here and there. I'm not the crying type, even when I'm sad.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?

Every way except soft-boiled.

ARE BLONDES DUMB?

No dumber than anyone else that would rely on their looks or a particular feature to get by. Everyone that succumbs to a stereotype, deserves a small portion (emphasis, small) of the idiotic comments that ensue.

WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?

Sometimes under the bed, though mostly, the Missus hides everything. That's how she assesses dominance in this house.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

I don't know, who's asking? Morris Day or the Spin Doctors? Just go ahead now...

DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?

You all call me "WP" and you have no idea how I abhor that, but I don't say anything
>: P

IS MCDONALD’S DISGUSTING?

I don't eat at McDonald's or Taco Smell, ugh.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?

Two hours ago.

DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?

Showers. Baths are the luxury of those who have bathtubs instead of shower stalls and parents who have time.

IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?

In a way. The Missus saves Christmas every year.

DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?

Whoo, that used to be my everything!

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?

I work from 10 PM until 6 AM. Uh, no.

WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?

Caffeine and video games.

CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?

What, you like chewing on rocks?

CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?

If I come home late by five minutes, I get it cracked for free!

HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?

Not in this country.

IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?

As far as I'm concerned, yes.

ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?

If I get into a deep enough sleep, only the calling of my name, the alarm or the phone can wake me up.

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?

Brown.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?

Absolutely, but a little writing success wouldn't hurt.

ARE YOU PSYCHIC?

Hmm, I see a meme in your future.

HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE?

Yes. I found myself identifying with Holden just a little too much back then. Except I didn't go to a prep school and my acne wasn't as severe.

DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?

I used to play the guitar...poorly. I'll take it up again, soon.

HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?

Money? No. I did the shop-lifting thing in junior high and I was an accomplice (only by the definition of the law) in a minor-league break-in.

CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?

Don't I wish! I took up skateboarding again back in '94, in an effort to transition into snowboarding.

DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?

I'm a city-boy all the way. I have to have a toilet and shower, plus that whole "Deliverance" -thing gets me down.

DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?

If it's funny enough, spontaneous snorting has been known to happen.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?

Not that crap that happens on a stage.

ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND?

The best things in the world, are dogs, for their unconditional love.

YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?

Yes, but I wish people wouldn't use it as a "mulligan," or a "do-over," as much as they do.

CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?

I used to pop-n-lock back in the day, but I could never moonwalk properly.

DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?

I'd be somebody else, if I had a perfect day.

IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?

A little.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

Salad, jalepeno poppers, buffalo wings, and half a roast beef sandwich.

DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?

No and I don't get drunk 'til the point that I pass out anymore, so nobody is going to put it on me.

HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW?

The immediate family, about a dozen people at work and you, who read this blog.

WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?

How can I narrow that one down? "Head-on?" Any political ad? Any "career college?"

DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?

Never have, never been.

FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?

Today, Gizmo? "Low" by Cracker.

WHO ARE YOU TAGGING?

In alphabetical order...

Beck Eye (I told you that you're tagged for life)
Beth
Gian Don. If only because it gets you to blog ; )
James
Katie

I Woke Up To The Strangest Sight This Turkey Day

The Missus was already up this morning, getting us ready to go to as we're going to some friends for Thanksgiving. I stumbled into my chair and turned the TV for the weather. I flipped it through the channels and there was the Joker on the Today Show. You're probably thinking, he was too sleepy and he was hallucinating, but there was the Joker on TV.

Not just on TV, the Joker was stuffing a turkey with huge, dark, pink gloves on. Not just with huge, dark pink gloves on, but with two of the biggest, gaudy diamond rings on those gloves, and a diamond braclet as well. Stuffing and turkey bits were getting on this jewlery, unsanitary as all hell and I doubt that the jewelery will ever be clean again. Is this what the Joker meant when he said, "wait'll they get a load of me?"

The Joker and two of the Today Show personalities were all stuffing turkeys and talking to the help operators at the Butterball Turkey company. I heard a familiar voice and I realized I wasn't dreaming at all, I figured out who the Joker was. Damn Joan, what the hell?

I could be wrong, but didn't she make fun of the "Lion Lady?" She's two more procedures away from looking her, herself.

Oh, jeez, where are my manners? Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

A Movie Meme

The underappreciated Is That So Wrong, dropped a movie meme. It's a pretty good one for fans...and an even better one for screenwriters

1. Popcorn or candy?

I've never been a fan of popcorn. It was too bland for me as a child and I don't like the smell of it as an adult. However, I will eat caramel corn, Crackerjack and the like.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.

The Departed. The window to see it was there again, Friday, but I was too tired, and it's looking like wait until it comes out on DVD time again, for a movie that should be seen on the big screen.

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Who loses theirs and to whom?

You've read my arguement that I usually use to stress why the Oscars have nothing to do with what actually was the best film that year. All good film schools teach "Raging Bull," but even the worst ones do not teach "Ordinary People." I use that example because it's tangible, even the lowest of cable channels won't even bother to show "Ordinary People," it didn't stand the test of time and the Academy knew it even back then. Yet in my heart, the worst travesty ever was the second one put upon Martin Scorsese. The one in which "Dances With Wolves" beat out "Goodfellas" for both Best Director and Best Picture." I'm not trying to discount "Dances," I'm just saying that it isn't remotely in the same category.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe.

A suit of samurai armor from "Ran" and watch me out-Mifune, Belushi as a samurai.

5. Your favorite film franchise is....

I'm not a huge fan of sequels and I give prequels a little more leeway. So obviously, I'm picking "The Fast And The Furious." Right, Todd? No seriously, even though I still don't own the trilogy on DVD, I'd have to pick "The Godfather Saga." Obviously on the basis of the first two movies. Sofia didn't stink as much as the critics said she did.

6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them?

First, it wouldn't be five people. Second, I would have to come out of retirement as a cook, as I've only cooked about six times since Procrastinator Jr. has been born. Carpaccio as the appetizer. Four small, different dishes of pasta for the second course and for the main? I'll have to ask Mr. Martin Scorsese and Ms. Thelma Schoonmaker just what they would like.

They are a duo that knows all that there is to know about filmmaking, life and greatness. Maybe William Monahan could be there too, so that we could find out what it's like to colloborate with Scorsese and just what Jurassic Park IV is going to be about.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?

As I explained to one Mr. Mernit on his blog, a cattle prod would be the best way to go. Give everyone fair warning on a poster and the waiver for the theater will be on the back of the tickets. A stun gun would knock the people out, but no one can withstand a cattle prod and the arcing electrical discharge from the thing, coupled with the danse macbre-lite, would discourage anyone else from even thinking about it.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Ripley from Aliens. Mystique from X-Men. Sarah Connor from Terminator 2. The Bride from Kill Bill. Mace from Strange Days.

My first instinct was Ripley because as I've witnessed over the years at my job, height and weight discourage idiots. Most people stopped bothering me thirty pounds ago and while Sigorney is slight, she's six feet tall. The Bride is out, nobody fears blondes and a good bodyguard should discourage things from the onset.

Sarah Connor had only one speed, angry. That can create more problems than it solves. So I would go with Mace. She was pretty much invincible until Kathryn Bigelow had the L.A.P.D. do a Rodney King on her. Plus, she's the only one of the four characters that has actually done the job.

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie?

"I'm both...a...doctor...and...a...lawyer."

Carre Otis in "Wild Orchid"

No, I haven't the slightest idea. I have a talent for putting traumatic things out of my head and if you had my family, it's a skill that you would possess too. Familial Darwinism.

10. Your favorite genre (excluding "comedy" and "drama") is....

Noir. Comedy is the distant second and drama can come along for the ride.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power?

No concepts or half-baked pitches, only scripts that are completed and ready to go. How many times have you seen a movie and thought to yourself, "all the good parts I saw were already in the two minute trailer." That's because too many movies are just trailers and not films.

12. Bonnie or Clyde?

There has to be both, they are the yin and yang of crime. From a story standpoint, they complimented each other to the point that I doubt one wanted to outlive the other.

13. Who am I tagging to answer this survey?

Gian Don, My Best Online Friend Forever and the Birthday Girl, because I want to know how professionals would answer this meme.

The Raspberry Meme Queen, whom I still owe a meme. Beth, Haahnster and anybody else who reads this, feel free.