Sunday, August 13, 2006

That Akward Stage In Life

Procrastinator Jr. is at that akward stage in life...too big and too tall to go on the smaller rollercoasters, and unwilling to go upside down. We went to Six Flags Marine World today, the one place on Earth where robbery is legal. Fifteen dollars for parking, $3.50 for bottled water, seven for two go kart tickets, etc... I could go on, but I can barely type over the sound of my wallet screaming in terror.

Speaking of akward, remember how someone you knew back in the day had a dog that when it got excited or happy, it would, aroused? Well, we've known the Marine World walrus since Procrastinator Jr. was three and he always comes up to the glass to say "hi" to the kids. Today, he turned upside down and clapped his flippers against the plexiglass. He was real excited. Then, he got a little excited south of the waistline.

I got Procrastinator Jr. out of there. Though I didn't think the plexiglass would break, I didn't want to explain the situation to him at the time because I was laughing (with a hint of embarassment). And it's a good thing that plexiglass is strong, this wasn't your aunt's Chihuahua or Pomeranian wanting to hump your leg, but a creature that will reach almost two tons and fourteen feet in length.

My day was also filled with left lane bandits. Those on the way to and from Vallejo that believed that they were trapped in the movie "Speed," only in reverse. They couldn't go over 50 MPH or their car would blow up. Atn the bumper cars, though I managed to avoid them for the most part. Procrastinator Jr. did get caught in a couple of pile-ups where GROWN ADULTS got their bumper cars sideways all by themselves, then the adults spent the better part of the ride trying extracate themselves, to no avail.

And finally, those who spun their go karts out and they qualified for the worst drivers ever. These are de-tuned go karts, folks. The most neutral-handling of all rear-engine vehicles with the most accurate non-power steering you will find. For Chrissakes, the putt-putt engines make them go slower than a snail in a glue trap.

If you spin one of these go karts out and you weren't hit by some kid doing his junior version of NASCAR bump-drafting, then you should turn your license in to the DMV, period. You don't deserve to be on any road, much less a go kart track.


Blogger haahnster said...

My stepdaughter refuses to go on any roller coaster that has full loops. Major bummer.

Bad drivers in any setting are among the most frustrating aspects of my life. Irritating almost beyond description...

Mon Aug 14, 12:47:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

"My stepdaughter refuses to go on any roller coaster that has full loops. Major bummer."

Isn't she at the age where they believe that they are invincible? Then that's a good thing if she don't wanna.

"Bad drivers in any setting are among the most frustrating aspects of my life. Irritating almost beyond description..."

But at least in Illinois, you can drive through malls, right? What do you mean, "no?" I saw it in a movie!

Mon Aug 14, 09:06:00 PM PDT  
Blogger katie schwartz said...

can you please describe the size in a bit more detail? try to compare it to a buffet style hoagie or reasonable facsimile. I'm also looking for texture and color.

Tue Aug 15, 02:29:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

Jesus, Katie! Make me blush, why don't you? What's hilarious about this is that I didn't have a reference point when I was checking my Yahoo mail and I thought you were talking about a lobster roll.

Um, same concept as a dog in terms of, uh, emerging and width. He wasn't at full staff (I'm guessing) so I can't tell you about that. Jesus.

Tue Aug 15, 08:27:00 PM PDT  

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