Saturday, July 07, 2007

Procrastinator Goes Middle America

First, whoever the genius was in Caltrans that decided to pattern the freeways of San Jose after the ones in L.A. by putting overpasses right next to vital exits? Thank you very much, I love crossing four lanes of traffic (two of those lanes, people merging in from another overpass that only God knows where they came from) to have someone dive for that overpass and just miss my bumper.

It would seem to me that you were clearly bought off by:

A) The auto body repair industry, as each one of these intersections in the middle of a freeway should guarantee at least two accidents a day.
B) The blood pressure and heart medication industry. So that's what a minor heart attack feels like! Cool! Call me "Oliver," because you make me want to say "please Sir, can I have some more?"
C) The liquor industry. Because navigating through that would turn a tea-totaler into a two martini-a-day habit.

Those denizens of San Jose who tried to commit road sodomy on me? Next time, I want flowers, a kiss and wear a condom. Miserable donkey felchers.

Enough with the traffic rant and on to the big slice of Middle America! Oh boy, I went to my first Hometown Buffet! It's an all you can eat cafeteria, it's a brightly lit piece of Nebraskan restaurant in the middle of Northern California, it's two, two, two pieces of Middle Americana in one!

Burgers? Yeah, they got 'em, dry as your high school cafeteria, though sadly, missing the bits of bone. They even have steak and prime rib! But you'll never get more than a small slice, cut on the thinnest of biases.

They make this poor woman slice and dish the cuts of meat...she is the most dispised person in the restaurant...that includes the kid that screams for fifteen straight minutes because he can't have seconds on pudding. Trust me kid, that ain't "pudding." Drop the last four letters and that's what you get.

At any rate, I thanked this poor woman and I think I blew her mind for a quick second. She expected me to grab the carving fork and threaten her with it, as the previous three customers had.

Most of the food was decent to good and you get what you pay for. They have real good polish sausage, good fried chicken and the like.

It's just that after we left, for some reason...I don't know. I just wanted to put on a Jim Beam hat and vote Republican. Maybe it's something they put in the, "pudding."


Blogger Beth said...

Flourish that John Deere cap with a "hell, damn, yeah!" and you can hang in my part of the world.

Sun Jul 08, 05:25:00 AM PDT  
Blogger EditorJDC said...

"Miserable donkey felchers"

Never heard that one before. I like it!

"Trust me kid, that ain't "pudding." Drop the last four letters and that's what you get."



Sun Jul 08, 07:44:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Coaster Punchman said...

You should get dinner along with that flower & kiss.

That lady shaving the thin slices of meat is probably about the only thing remotedly related to "restraint" in those all-you-can-eat family restaurants. There are no family-friendly words to describe the obscene levels of gluttony I have witnessed in such places.

Sun Jul 08, 07:54:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Rhetorically Sterculian said...

"....They have real good Polish sausage, good fried chicken and the like...."

Your trammeled arteries will kill you before the trammeled freeway interchanges do.

Having said that as the anal physician that I find myself being, do they have Hometown Buffet in Canada?

Sun Jul 08, 08:47:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

Katie via email...

Tried to comment on your last post, but it won't let me. here is what I

Those denizens of San Jose who tried to commit road sodomy on

Sun Jul 08, 12:32:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...


I could hang in Atlanta, but I don't know how well I'd do out in the Georgian sticks. I don't do well in the sticks of Northern California, as is.

Johnny Dollars,

That's not 100% original, the old AOL screewriting boards used to say "sheep felchers."



Absolutely! I'm good enough, smart enough and darn it, people like me!

"There are no family-friendly words to describe the obscene levels of gluttony I have witnessed in such places."

The odd thing was that I've seen more morbidly obese people at Sizzler, though HomeTown Buffet offers great portions. The lady guards the profit margins. Give two slices out and there goes the profits.


"Your trammeled arteries will kill you before the trammeled freeway interchanges do."

You know, with my high blood pressure, I got a pretty good buzz off of the sodium from the Polish sausages. I typed in Toronto, Canada and I only got this. So I guess you'll have to drive down to get your Middle Americana-fix.

Sun Jul 08, 12:43:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Rhetorically Sterculian said...

Thank you.
Although I was born and raised in Toronto the Good, I've not been back for 7 years now, save the airport several times a year.
I will have to go to the Land of Opportunity I guess.
Such an hassle though. I always get "Four 'S'ed" at the airport.
I look the terrorist I guess.

Sun Jul 08, 03:11:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...


Then come to the Land of Opportunity, the Land of Plenty, the land of a woman cutting you only one small slice of prime rib.

Sun Jul 08, 07:50:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Amy said...

I've never been to San Jose, or SoCal, but having grown up outside of California, and now living here, I'm pretty sure you have to be on crack to work for CalTrans. Like, they do drug tests to make sure you actually are on drugs so that you can understand what the hell they were thinking.

My grandparents used to love Hometown Buffet. I used to love going there with them. Now they have died, and I went there without them and it sucked. So, I think it's only good when you dine there with grandparents.

Sun Jul 08, 09:48:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...


San Jose is pretty much like Walnut Creek, only:

A)The people are more genuine.
B)They drive a hellva lot faster.
C)The San Jose Valley is bigger the area from Concord to Dublin (or seems that way).
D)There's about five times more things to do in the SJ.
E)There are twenty times more places to eat, and for awhile back in the 70's, San Jose had some of the best Mexican food in the Bay Area.

I don't know about crack with CalTrans...I'm thinking more LSD, though they are definitely drug-addled.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandparents, I stop going to Chinatown when my grandfather died and now that my grandmother is gone, I can think of about a dozen restaurants that I probably will never eat at again.

HomeTown is definitely a family experience and we were fortunate enough to have gone there with the family of Procrastinator Junior's best friend.

Mon Jul 09, 07:09:00 AM PDT  
Blogger angel said...

sounds like our buffet restaurants are a lot better than yours!

Tue Jul 10, 11:49:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...


Typically it is quantity over quality in American buffets, save for gambling establishments and Asian restaurants.

Tue Jul 10, 08:48:00 PM PDT  

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