R.M.B.A.S. Of The Oscars
“For those of you keeping score at home, I just want to make something very clear: Martin Scorsese, zero Oscars. Three 6 Mafia, one.”
Thank you Mr. Stewart for kicking off my favorite rant of all time and one that I’m certain to be spouting off every late winter for the rest of my life until I’m withering away in some rest home. Some of you who know me or read me online will know it by heart and it will be the very one where the Missus will decide that she has heard it 4,001 times too many and will “adjust” my pillow until I cannot rant any more...
Do they teach “Ordinary People” in film school? Does “Ordinary People” even play in light rotational repeats on TV? Can you watch “Ordinary People” on any channel other than American Movie Classics?
The answer to all of the above is a resounding “no.” Yet “Ordinary People” beat out “Raging Bull” for best picture and that, is all you need to know about the Oscars.
Now, in the same chronological order as this household viewed the show...
The Missus said, “wow, is that Al Franken?” I said “no Honey, that’s Phillip Seymour Hoffman.” She was glancing at the nineteen-inch screen from about seventeen feet away. So I moved back a few feet and squinted to approximate the same perspective and sure enough, from a distance, he looked just like Al Franken.
Dolly Parton or marionette? You decide...
That tribute to Noir was anything but a tribute. I imagine that it didn’t manage to win over any new fans and it was so all over the place, that it couldn’t have impressed any diehards or borderline fans. They should’ve done a gag reel like the former HBO show “Dream On” or that out of context, gay cowboy pastiche...
Speaking of gay, I’ve always heard that The Oscars are the Super Bowl for gay people. Well, no, that characterization is technically only half-correct. For it to truly be a Super Bowl, you have to get even more drunk five minutes after the Lombardi Trophy is awarded (or Best Picture in this case), get into fights, throw garbage cans, break windows, and overturn cars and/or set them on fire. I’m surprised I have to explain this, riot it up, gay people! Riot-it-up!
I think the reason Jon Stewart got better as the show went along had nothing to do with his comfort level, but everything to do with the fact that the Valium that the Academy surreptitiously slipped him, was starting to wear off...
Snap at your wife when she asks you if the Three 6 Mafia’s song was on the “Crash” soundtrack and you will watch the Oscars, alone...
Seriously, that wasn’t Dolly Parton. That was the creation by the same puppeteer that made those stuffed penguins for the winners of The Best Documentary category...
You’ve heard of “Buns of Steel?” Watch your tone with my Missus or she will show you “Shoulders of Ice.” Let me explain my half of my snap. All I said in a tone that was a little too loud was “they said twice that it was from the ‘Hustle And Flow’ soundtrack” and the livingroom turned into the Yukon in February...
Congratulations Josh, on being nominated!
No, that wasn’t Dolly Parton, that was a Craig (no relation to Katie) Schwartz creation...
The Missus has a real future as a screenwriter’s agent as she wouldn’t even return my phone calls, even though she was just in the next room...
Craig Schwartz was John Cusack’s character in “Being John Malkovich.”
Actually, the Missus did come into the room just in time to see Josh on TV. We wanted to see him win so that he could become the ultimate Bad Cog in the Hollywood machinery...
...so to bring this back full circle. For all of you that think that “Brokeback” wuz robbed? Check back in a decade or two, when time will ultimately decide which film was truly the Best Picture of The Year.
Thank you Mr. Stewart for kicking off my favorite rant of all time and one that I’m certain to be spouting off every late winter for the rest of my life until I’m withering away in some rest home. Some of you who know me or read me online will know it by heart and it will be the very one where the Missus will decide that she has heard it 4,001 times too many and will “adjust” my pillow until I cannot rant any more...
Do they teach “Ordinary People” in film school? Does “Ordinary People” even play in light rotational repeats on TV? Can you watch “Ordinary People” on any channel other than American Movie Classics?
The answer to all of the above is a resounding “no.” Yet “Ordinary People” beat out “Raging Bull” for best picture and that, is all you need to know about the Oscars.
Now, in the same chronological order as this household viewed the show...
The Missus said, “wow, is that Al Franken?” I said “no Honey, that’s Phillip Seymour Hoffman.” She was glancing at the nineteen-inch screen from about seventeen feet away. So I moved back a few feet and squinted to approximate the same perspective and sure enough, from a distance, he looked just like Al Franken.
Dolly Parton or marionette? You decide...
That tribute to Noir was anything but a tribute. I imagine that it didn’t manage to win over any new fans and it was so all over the place, that it couldn’t have impressed any diehards or borderline fans. They should’ve done a gag reel like the former HBO show “Dream On” or that out of context, gay cowboy pastiche...
Speaking of gay, I’ve always heard that The Oscars are the Super Bowl for gay people. Well, no, that characterization is technically only half-correct. For it to truly be a Super Bowl, you have to get even more drunk five minutes after the Lombardi Trophy is awarded (or Best Picture in this case), get into fights, throw garbage cans, break windows, and overturn cars and/or set them on fire. I’m surprised I have to explain this, riot it up, gay people! Riot-it-up!
I think the reason Jon Stewart got better as the show went along had nothing to do with his comfort level, but everything to do with the fact that the Valium that the Academy surreptitiously slipped him, was starting to wear off...
Snap at your wife when she asks you if the Three 6 Mafia’s song was on the “Crash” soundtrack and you will watch the Oscars, alone...
Seriously, that wasn’t Dolly Parton. That was the creation by the same puppeteer that made those stuffed penguins for the winners of The Best Documentary category...
You’ve heard of “Buns of Steel?” Watch your tone with my Missus or she will show you “Shoulders of Ice.” Let me explain my half of my snap. All I said in a tone that was a little too loud was “they said twice that it was from the ‘Hustle And Flow’ soundtrack” and the livingroom turned into the Yukon in February...
Congratulations Josh, on being nominated!
No, that wasn’t Dolly Parton, that was a Craig (no relation to Katie) Schwartz creation...
The Missus has a real future as a screenwriter’s agent as she wouldn’t even return my phone calls, even though she was just in the next room...
Craig Schwartz was John Cusack’s character in “Being John Malkovich.”
Actually, the Missus did come into the room just in time to see Josh on TV. We wanted to see him win so that he could become the ultimate Bad Cog in the Hollywood machinery...
...so to bring this back full circle. For all of you that think that “Brokeback” wuz robbed? Check back in a decade or two, when time will ultimately decide which film was truly the Best Picture of The Year.
Labels: Martin Scorsese, R.M.B.A.S., The Oscars
posted by Writeprocrastinator at 6:03 AM
4 Comments:
So, are you still sleeping on the couch?
I'm still mad at the Oscars for the whole Pearl Jam thing. I guess "Man of the Hour" didn't win the Best original Song award because Eddie Vedder just isn't enough of a pimp.
No, no couch time because I know to only push things only so far because the apartment is too small for a couch and I would wind up sleeping in the car.
Yeah, Eddie definitely needs more bling. He should sport two watches on one arm like the Three 6.
Stone should change his name to "Stone Killa" and Eddie should pull an empty gun on Chris Cornell to get a beef goin'.
now that was one HELL OF A RANT!!! Loved every word!!!!
Thank you very much, Katie!
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