The Madness of Oscar R.M.B.A.S. The Third

Ante Scriptum- John Travolta. Just because Becky wanted him mentioned.

What does "R.M.B.A.S." mean? "Random musings, bruisings and aloe-scented soothings" or really, an oddly fanciful way of saying "odds and ends." This year's Oscars will be especially odd for me as I have seen none of the nominees and I do mean none. So like some neo-con pundit, I'll be winging this as ill-informed and misguided as can be. No new taxes, lockup the liberals, get out the falafel, and away we go!

If that vexes you, please realize that I do all this for entertainment purposes and not for gambling or criticism purposes. So if you are looking for those kinds of postings, read my previous Oscar observations here and here, when I had at least a basic idea what I was talking about. Also, I look for "Atonement" to win Best Picture by a touchdown, as Keira Knightley will pull a trick play and show off her anorexic ribs...thus, distracting the Academy voters as they check the box.

The only two films I've seen in the past year that I would describe as Oscar-worthy, are not even nominated: The Lookout and Paris, Je T'aime. This is more of a reflection of how few films I have seen this year as I've taken the screenwriting career off the backburner and put it in the freezer. I've devoted my free time to short story and novel writing and thus, I read.

As always, I'll keep my observations in chronological order and with as little as editing as possible-

"They won't mingle, don't worry." John Stewart on inviting screenwriters to the Vanity Fair Oscar Party and he's dead on with that one.

I'm glad to see that Javier Bardem didn't keep his "never get p*ssy in a million years haircut." His name for that hairstyle, not mine.

"Diablo Cody, you've gone from a stripper, to an Oscar-nominated screenwriter...I hope you enjoy the paycut." Stewart is going subtle and I wonder if people outside of the movie industry are getting half of these good jokes.

You the readers, had all probably enjoyed wonderful little appetizers and plats principaux during your viewing (a.k.a. entrées). Me? Where's my Safeway Buffalo wings? The pull date says they went south, Thursday. So I go with the backup, Blazin' Buffalo Ranch Doritos, 'cause I'm low rent like that.

Congratulations to Brad Bird and if I were to go by "The Iron Giant" and "The Incredibles," I'd imagine that "Ratatouille" should be a great film. Yet I still haven't seen it because I just can't get over the thought of a rat being in a kitchen, even though I've eaten Kentucky Fried Chicken in Manhattan.

Kiss me Cate. By the way Helen Mirren, you've never called, so I have to rescind the offer. So Cate? Come see about me.

Isn't it amazing how "Tim Burton" in an Italian accent, sounds a lot like "timber?"

Did John Stewart just compare Cate Blanchett to a pitbull? Get your eyes checked, son. Rosanne Barr, maybe. Cate? Not likely.

Javier won! Or was it the hair? Yeah, that's it, it's gotta be the hair. Doesn't that hair just make you melt, ladies and some of the gentlemen?

Or is it that it makes your eyes melt in horror?

Speaking of horror, that little nightmare montage that would've been shown if the writer's strike continued? Yeah, The Missus wakes up like that every single day, still married to me after sixteen years. As a matter of fact, if she were to title our little union, it would be something like this classic.

Le Mozart Des Pickpockets? Mais, non! Ceci est fou! Members of the Academy, "The Tonto Woman" is an Elmore F*uckin' Leonard story! Actually look at your ballots the next time, instead of using them as coasters!

If you really want to see Tilda act, check out The Deep End. A good movie that somehow escaped everyone's attention.

Um, I know everybody else has beat me to this punch and blogged about it already, but, uh, Jessica Alba? That quite possibly will be the only way that you will ever get on this particular stage.

Congratulations to Coens on Best Screenplay Adapted From Other Material. Now how's about putting the other Cormac on the map? Then maybe Cate will come see about me.

Seth Rogen is right in that out of the two of them, he looks more like Halle Berry.

Marion Cotillard won and doesn't the Academy love transformations? Seeing her as Edith Piaf was a hellva makeup job, on par with Linda Hunt's in "The Year Of Living Dangerously." Does that mean that she should've beat Cate? Hells no, but Cate will always be a winner in my heart. Or is it that she has won my heart? Cate, (everybody altogether) come see about me.

"The Bourne Ultimatum" has won a bunch of technical awards, obviously this is just keep Procrastinator Junior in the room because other than "Ratatouille" and "Surf's Up," this is the only other nominated film that he's seen.

At ninety-eight years old, you're damn right the orchestra didn't interrupt Robert F. Boyle. If I should live that long, I hope to be that sharp. As is, I pause as much as he does in conversation and I'm only forty-two.

Helen Mirren just called to say that I am a blogging bastard that owes her money and no, she won't come see about me.

I don't know what song this is that just came on after the Best Foreign Picture Oscar, but out comes the mute button and members of the Academy, this is your second warning tonight. If I have to give you a third warning, you'll be getting a timeout. Plus I'll make you watch Jessica Alba in "Fantastic Four" until your eyes fold inside out into your skulls.

John Stewart, you rock and you rule. Bringing Markéta Irglová back out, shows twenty auditorium's worth of class.

How does Roger Deakins not win for Best Cinematographer? With him, I don't even miss Barry Sonnenfeld as the Coens shot caller.

Cate, honest, I won't go all Roberto Benigni-did on Stephen Spielberg's leg-on you. Come see about me.

Oh, Junior and I saw "Sicko," and we were disappointed that it didn't win for Best Documentary.

Wow, Diablo Cody wins it all! I'm proud of her for turning everything that the establishment represents, on its ear! A swift kick in the nuts to the old boy network! Tee it up, Diablo, tee it up!
...and it's good!

Right through the uprights!

No one drinks Daniel Day Lewis's milkshake...no one.

I take that back, maybe the Coen Brothers, because they have two straws! To see Martin Scorsese and The Coens on the same stage, says all is right in the movie universe.

And The Coens win for Best Picture! Hurrah!

In closing, so I have seen some of the nominees, just not the ones for the non-technical categories. So, there will be blood unless Cate Blanchett comes to see about me, then there will be milkshakes for all, and...I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm tired and I'm out of here...

R.M.B.A.S. Oscars Eye Eye

I've gotten five hits from people looking for which song of the Pogues that Cadillac used. It's "The Sunnyside of The Street." Pogue mahone means "kiss my ass" in Gaelic and that's what I say to Cadillac. I'm glad that they are using a Pogues song because I can't get sick of song I may have heard only once in my life. Now, Led Zeppelin's "Rock And Roll?" Thanks to hearing it over a hundred times over a year and a half, I can barely tolerate it. Every time I hear the opening drums, it's a Pavlovian experiment gone wrong, complete with facial tics in synch to John Bonham hitting the cymbals.

I’m going to write this in real time and as unedited as possible on Microsoft Word, so when I import it over, there might be some weird symbols or signs on the ends of the sentences. Those are Word-related. Please realize that I already knew the outcome by the time I posted this, these thoughts and ramblings are in chronological order.

First, go ahead Academy, make me wrong.

Ellen had a killer opening monologue, but she needs to give back the tuxedo from 1982, to that creepy kid that sat behind me in history.

The cynic in me says that he won’t get it and there is a faction of voters that plain just don’t like such a talented man. They’d write in Michael Bay, if it would keep him from getting Best Director.

Whoa, who stole Nicholson’s hair? “Wait until they get a load of me,” indeed.

I don’t know if Vegas covers their action, but I’m pretty sure there is an odds house in England that will take the money off the desperate gamblers that will drop at least two large on who will win Best Art Direction.

No, Helen Mirren will be coming home with me.

As soon as they rolled out the “Flags Of Our Fathers/Letters From Iwo Jima” clip before all the other nominee clips, we knew what time it was and Marty knew what time it was. “No Vaseline, no reach-around, no kiss before or after, and let us know when you are down to your last two years of life, so that we can give you the Lifetime Achievement Award."

The Hollywood Sound Effects choir omitted one very important sound effect, the knives plunging into Scorsese’s back.

To all the tradespeople who create the sound, special effects, sets, costumes, and lighting: The Academy wants you to keep creating the magic, but you get to thank your mom and it’s on your way. Don’t make them have ten seat-fillers sit on you.

I haven’t seen his performance nor would it be necessary. You knew that Eddie Murphy wasn’t going to win and Eddie knew he wasn’t going to win. The Will Ferrel, Jack Black and John C. Reilly skit wasn’t an omen or a clue, but reality. Congratulations to Alan Arkin, it was a great performance.

All the screenwriters know, that Ellen’s are made of brass. Damn, if every screenwriter from Halifax to Hollywood didn’t wish that it was their script that Ellen put in Marty’s hands.

Let’s see: Baby James, Melissa “no Christmas Cards from Lou Diamond Phillips” Etheridge, ‘kay...

“Cars” didn’t win? Hmmm, the screwin’ is on like “Deliverance” gone wrong. “Whoo-wee, you sure got a purty little movie, Marty!”

A tribute to screenwriters? What? There are writers for movies? The movies don’t write themselves? You mean the actors don’t just improvise the entire movie?

Did that ignorant hussy of an announcer just say that “Infernal Affairs” was a Japanese film? Infernal gwai-lo!

You’re not listening, Helen is coming home with me. She’s likes her men all bitter and cynical. And most of all, she loves a man who know his take-out...or take-away, as they say in England.

It’s now official, Ellen is the greatest non-Billy Crystal Oscar host ever. Having Spielberg take your picture and giving him instructions in photo composition? Priceless.

I’m sorry Helen, I’m leaving you for Catherine Deneuve. Catherine? Age is nothing but a number, come see about me.

Who’s that idiot just jumped for joy and landed on Guillermo Del Toro? Doesn’t he know that he’ll have Hellboy to pay?

I was happy for whoever was going to win Best Supporting Actress and they all would’ve made for good stories. Most of all, I’m glad that girls and women in this world can have a role model in Jennifer Hudson. Moreover, it reaffirms what I've always said about "American (M)idol," Simon doesn't know shit.

Good for you Davis Guggenheim, now find do a documentary about how Scorsese gets robbed more often than all of liquor stores in the world, combined. By the way, you knew damn well that they weren’t going to cut Gore off in mid-speech.

...now there’s Celine. Okay, this is what I’m getting at, I don’t know the music nominations this year, but if 316 Mafia won for a song about the hardships of being a pimp, why not T.I. for “What You Know?” What, did the Academy get bored with rap all of a sudden?

It’s beautiful that “Little Miss Sunshine” won the Best Original Screenplay and here’s to hoping that more independent films win in the B.O.S. category, or are at least taken as seriously as their multi-million dollar counterparts.

When you don’t quite enjoy the “Dreamgirls” numbers, cleavage comes to the rescue.

Dang, Melissa Etheridge is wearing the tuxedo I got married in. By the way, from Rosecrans Avenue to Roosevelt Field, there are a whole bunch of people screaming “we wuz robbed!”

After harping on the so-called tribute to Noir last year, I realize that the pointless and seemingly ill-conceived montage, is actually a signal for everyone at home, to go to the bathroom.

Thelma Schoonmaker wins! The greatest editor of our time has just won for Best Editing, could Scorsese’s drought be over?

Ellen’s losing momentum, but she’s still pretty funny.

See Phillip Seymour Hoffman? He and I have the same hairstylist...it's called sleep on your hair while it’s wet. You can’t be it for the "mystery effect."

On second thought, Helen, forget I said anything about Catherine, and come see about me.

Is that a Pogues song that Cadillac is using? If so, GM? Pogue mahone! If that is Flogging Molly or another Gaelic band, never mind.

“Somebody dropped their rolling papers.” That was gold!

“Win, Forrest, win!” Sorry, ahem. To put such a human face on someone who was inhuman, is quite an accomplishment. A huge congratulations to Mr. Whitaker.

Say what you want about George Lucas, but he’s a good sport getting up their on the stage and being the straight man, to a joke that has been gnawing on him for years.

Ha-hah! Jesus, I’m gonna have a heart attack! Oh my God! Oh my God! Yes, that was me waking up the dead down in Colma (some twelve miles away) with my victory yell! “Could you double check the envelope?” Fucking brilliant Marty, fucking brilliant! Few get a chance at redemption and Academy has finally redeem itself by righting a decades-long wrong.

Not only that, they didn’t step on his speech! Well Leo, you got to work with the true “King of The World!”

I’m sorry, the Best Picture is anti-climatic...wait a minute! Excuse me, “The Departed” won! Justice has been served and this is truly a wondrous day in America!

P.S. I saw John standing next to Queen Latifah and his hair was perfect, a-woooo!

R.M.B.A.S. Of The Oscars

“For those of you keeping score at home, I just want to make something very clear: Martin Scorsese, zero Oscars. Three 6 Mafia, one.”

Thank you Mr. Stewart for kicking off my favorite rant of all time and one that I’m certain to be spouting off every late winter for the rest of my life until I’m withering away in some rest home. Some of you who know me or read me online will know it by heart and it will be the very one where the Missus will decide that she has heard it 4,001 times too many and will “adjust” my pillow until I cannot rant any more...

Do they teach “Ordinary People” in film school? Does “Ordinary People” even play in light rotational repeats on TV? Can you watch “Ordinary People” on any channel other than American Movie Classics?

The answer to all of the above is a resounding “no.” Yet “Ordinary People” beat out “Raging Bull” for best picture and that, is all you need to know about the Oscars.


Now, in the same chronological order as this household viewed the show...

The Missus said, “wow, is that Al Franken?” I said “no Honey, that’s Phillip Seymour Hoffman.” She was glancing at the nineteen-inch screen from about seventeen feet away. So I moved back a few feet and squinted to approximate the same perspective and sure enough, from a distance, he looked just like Al Franken.

Dolly Parton or marionette? You decide...

That tribute to Noir was anything but a tribute. I imagine that it didn’t manage to win over any new fans and it was so all over the place, that it couldn’t have impressed any diehards or borderline fans. They should’ve done a gag reel like the former HBO show “Dream On” or that out of context, gay cowboy pastiche...

Speaking of gay, I’ve always heard that The Oscars are the Super Bowl for gay people. Well, no, that characterization is technically only half-correct. For it to truly be a Super Bowl, you have to get even more drunk five minutes after the Lombardi Trophy is awarded (or Best Picture in this case), get into fights, throw garbage cans, break windows, and overturn cars and/or set them on fire. I’m surprised I have to explain this, riot it up, gay people! Riot-it-up!

I think the reason Jon Stewart got better as the show went along had nothing to do with his comfort level, but everything to do with the fact that the Valium that the Academy surreptitiously slipped him, was starting to wear off...

Snap at your wife when she asks you if the Three 6 Mafia’s song was on the “Crash” soundtrack and you will watch the Oscars, alone...

Seriously, that wasn’t Dolly Parton. That was the creation by the same puppeteer that made those stuffed penguins for the winners of The Best Documentary category...

You’ve heard of “Buns of Steel?” Watch your tone with my Missus or she will show you “Shoulders of Ice.” Let me explain my half of my snap. All I said in a tone that was a little too loud was “they said twice that it was from the ‘Hustle And Flow’ soundtrack” and the livingroom turned into the Yukon in February...

Congratulations Josh, on being nominated!

No, that wasn’t Dolly Parton, that was a Craig (no relation to Katie) Schwartz creation...

The Missus has a real future as a screenwriter’s agent as she wouldn’t even return my phone calls, even though she was just in the next room...

Craig Schwartz was John Cusack’s character in “Being John Malkovich.”

Actually, the Missus did come into the room just in time to see Josh on TV. We wanted to see him win so that he could become the ultimate Bad Cog in the Hollywood machinery...

...so to bring this back full circle. For all of you that think that “Brokeback” wuz robbed? Check back in a decade or two, when time will ultimately decide which film was truly the Best Picture of The Year.