Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Help Me To Help Her...

Nicole Richie called me up yesterday morning...

"Cochran's dead and Allred won't have anything to do with me. Help me, Write Procrastinator, you're my only hope!"

I told her, "hey, Nicole...I can't save you. I can't even saave myself! So just save yourself!"

At any rate, she keeps ringing me and it's gotten so bad that I have to turn my cell phone off. Not to mention that the Missus is now looking at me sideways. So help me come up with an effective defense for Nicole so that she would stop calling me. Should she go with:

A) Ate one whole apple and not only went into shock, but sugar shock as well.
B) Tainted spinach.
C) "Vicodin? Paris Hilton told me that they were asprin!"
D) The latest fad in L.A. is to "trip" off of E. coli-laced Taco Bell onions.
E) "If you had to listen to my father's music as much as I have, you'd drive the wrong way down the freeway, too."

Post Scriptum, Katie came up with...

F) She was traumatized because Joel Madden forced her to have a threesome with Hillary Duff.

16 Comments:

Blogger Al Sensu said...

"Those crotch shots of Britney and Paris drove me to drink."

Tue Dec 12, 09:02:00 PM PST  
Blogger katie schwartz said...

wp, you have outdone yourself! too funny!

here's another defense. (love al sensu's).

she was traumatized because joel madden forced her to have a threesome with hillary duff.

Tue Dec 12, 11:22:00 PM PST  
Blogger katie schwartz said...

ps::: you're tagged:

http://katieschwartz.blogspot.com/2006/12/6-weird-things-you-dont-know-about-me.html

Tue Dec 12, 11:22:00 PM PST  
Blogger James said...

You redeemed the Linkin Park reference with not one, but five glorious punchlines.

Tue Dec 12, 11:25:00 PM PST  
Blogger chelene said...

I like choice E, WP. You can call it the "Penny Lover Defense". I really can't stand that song and any jury that had to listen to it would acquit in a minute.

Wed Dec 13, 06:47:00 AM PST  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

Al Sens,

Welcome and thanks for dropping by. I'm still on the fence as to their effect and the pics don't do for me what they would in 3D.

Wed Dec 13, 07:21:00 AM PST  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

Katie,

That's a good one and I put it up. Yikes, I've got to get holiday immunity from tags! I'll get to it tonight or tomorrow morning.

James,

"You redeemed the Linkin Park reference with not one, but five glorious punchlines."

Thanks, but that wasn't L.P, it was Stabbing Westward.

Wed Dec 13, 07:30:00 AM PST  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

Chelene,

"Penny Lover?" How about, "Is It Me Your Looking For?" or "Dancing On The Ceiling" which took him all of a minute and fifteen seconds to write the lyrics to that "classic."

I know you've heard of the Oedipus complex, Lionel Richie is the master of the Oedipus effect. Three of his songs in a row and you want to put needles through your own eyes.

Wed Dec 13, 07:35:00 AM PST  
Blogger BeckEye said...

Nicole's dad raised her to think it was ok to dance on the ceiling, so it only makes sense that she would drive on the wrong side of the road. And instead of swallowing food down, she vomits it all back up. The girl is just all backwards. Someone needs to tell her it's Opposite Day and maybe she'll gain some weight and stay out of trouble.

Wed Dec 13, 01:45:00 PM PST  
Blogger Dale said...

I would go with E, the music and then with B for Beckeye's comments. Perfect sense.

Wed Dec 13, 06:20:00 PM PST  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

Becka,

"The girl is just all backwards. Someone needs to tell her it's Opposite Day and maybe she'll gain some weight and stay out of trouble."

Absolutely, she does leave a cartoon existence. Say, if Nicole is SpongeBob, does that make Paris, Patrick?

Dale,

Did they overplay Lionel in Canada, back in the day?

Wed Dec 13, 08:42:00 PM PST  
Blogger Dale said...

Hello? Is it me you're looking for? Oh man, there's no escape.

Thu Dec 14, 06:50:00 PM PST  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

"Hello? Is it me you're looking for? Oh man, there's no escape."

I thought the Canadian Government took a more active role in protecting their people, you'd thought they would've banned him along time ago.

Thu Dec 14, 07:52:00 PM PST  
Blogger BeckEye said...

Please don't compare Nicole and Paris to Spongebob and Patrick or I'll have to go all Hash Slinging Slasher on your ass.

Thu Dec 14, 08:18:00 PM PST  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

"Please don't compare Nicole and Paris to Spongebob and Patrick or I'll have to go all Hash Slinging Slasher on your ass."

Becka,

Mash singing, I mean, hash bringing, I mean, Nosferatu. Hey, I did hear Paris yelling "pinkie! Pinkie!" one time.

Thu Dec 14, 08:55:00 PM PST  
Blogger angel said...

maybe she should do them one after the other?

Sun Dec 17, 06:00:00 AM PST  

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