Improve My Screenwriting...Why?
So I've been going over my scripts that I've sent out to contests with a microscope and I've drafted up some new ideas, but rewriting is hard work and damn if one of these projects isn't like an ex-girlfriend in that I would rather jump into the Artic Ocean, than ever have to deal with it again.
Why am I even going through this? My scripts were tight and marketable! I should be talking camera angles and backstories with Spielberg if not for those gobsh*te contest readers! They wouldn't know greatness if walked right up to their doors and p*mp-slapped them for a good half an hour! These miscreants, these maladjusted fiends, these...
no, my screenwriting wasn't at the level it was supposed to be. Anyway, back to square one or...how would a major studio go about it? I can't afford to hire John Sayles or William Goldman. Hell, I can't afford to hire the guy that cuts Andy http://us.imdb.com/name/nm0796477/ Sidaris's lawn.
But in San Francisco, money isn't everything, though you sure as hell better make more than $30,000 if you want to eat. So I went to the next progression on the major studio's list of problem solving and I went with marketing. You say, "jeez, Procrastinator, how can you afford marketing, when you just said that you can't afford a fifth-rate screenwriter?"
Easy, the dot-com bust. There are marketing people literally everywhere in the City. I mean you can just shake almost any tree and they will fall out. They camp up there because the bums chase them away with sharp sticks. They ruin the bum's panhandling action with their "will market for a meal" signs, ya know.
For the price of dozen Krispy Kreme, I can get the demographics, cross-sampling, in-depth analysis, and insight into almost any subject under the sun. And they're just as accurate as any news or election poll...like you really don't believe that some cat in Fresno just doesn't call up ten people, makes up the rest and pockets the money.
So I go to my go-to guy, my clutch-hitter, the man who "fights the good fight for the insight," Nebuchadnezzar. Or "Necky" as his friends call him and don't call him "Knee-butch" or "Chad," or he'll bite your ear like Mike Tyson after a two-week fast. A thermos of Peet's coffee and dozen chocolate-glazed later, Necky comes across with the hard facts like a stood-up woman catching up with her dejector.
"The original 'Ice Age' brought in over $176 million in the theaters and the sequel is sure to eclipse the $200 million mark. 'Hoodwinked' has brought in over $51 million so far and I'll bet that 'The Wild' will bring in over $100 million even though it appears to be a shameless rip-off of 'Madagascar.' Don't be surprised if 'Over The Hedge' is not in the box-office top three for 2006."
Okay, fine, so what does that have to do with the loglines that I had you run across the general public?
He tried to coax a bucket of Kentucky Fried in return for the answer, but like a studio that pays a marginal actor some $15 million while giving the screenwriter $26,000 and monkey points, I talked him down to the green sandwich that was sitting in the back of my refrigerator (that ain't lettuce or pesto).
In his best Walter Brooke from "The Graduate," Necky said, "squirrels."
Necky, you're like a circle, you have no point.
"No, all of the movies that I've just mentioned, they are all the rage and they all tested through the roof. I know, I have a cousin Becky who does test screenings for the studios down in Canoga Park."
There you go folks, "squirrels." People apparently cannot get enough of squirrels in comedies and he told me that I have to recycle the same coffee gag from "Iron Giant," as well.
In between bites of the moldy panino, he grunted, "pepper your scripts with caffeinated kids and squirrels, because they are apparently tracking better than Vin Diesel right now with the 12-24 demographic (and we all know that they are the only ones that the studios are concerned with right now)."
Necky also explained to me that one squirrel in particular has the highest "Q" rating ever and is due to be the next breakthrough star http://us.imdb.com/name/nm0385296/
Why am I even going through this? My scripts were tight and marketable! I should be talking camera angles and backstories with Spielberg if not for those gobsh*te contest readers! They wouldn't know greatness if walked right up to their doors and p*mp-slapped them for a good half an hour! These miscreants, these maladjusted fiends, these...
no, my screenwriting wasn't at the level it was supposed to be. Anyway, back to square one or...how would a major studio go about it? I can't afford to hire John Sayles or William Goldman. Hell, I can't afford to hire the guy that cuts Andy http://us.imdb.com/name/nm0796477/ Sidaris's lawn.
But in San Francisco, money isn't everything, though you sure as hell better make more than $30,000 if you want to eat. So I went to the next progression on the major studio's list of problem solving and I went with marketing. You say, "jeez, Procrastinator, how can you afford marketing, when you just said that you can't afford a fifth-rate screenwriter?"
Easy, the dot-com bust. There are marketing people literally everywhere in the City. I mean you can just shake almost any tree and they will fall out. They camp up there because the bums chase them away with sharp sticks. They ruin the bum's panhandling action with their "will market for a meal" signs, ya know.
For the price of dozen Krispy Kreme, I can get the demographics, cross-sampling, in-depth analysis, and insight into almost any subject under the sun. And they're just as accurate as any news or election poll...like you really don't believe that some cat in Fresno just doesn't call up ten people, makes up the rest and pockets the money.
So I go to my go-to guy, my clutch-hitter, the man who "fights the good fight for the insight," Nebuchadnezzar. Or "Necky" as his friends call him and don't call him "Knee-butch" or "Chad," or he'll bite your ear like Mike Tyson after a two-week fast. A thermos of Peet's coffee and dozen chocolate-glazed later, Necky comes across with the hard facts like a stood-up woman catching up with her dejector.
"The original 'Ice Age' brought in over $176 million in the theaters and the sequel is sure to eclipse the $200 million mark. 'Hoodwinked' has brought in over $51 million so far and I'll bet that 'The Wild' will bring in over $100 million even though it appears to be a shameless rip-off of 'Madagascar.' Don't be surprised if 'Over The Hedge' is not in the box-office top three for 2006."
Okay, fine, so what does that have to do with the loglines that I had you run across the general public?
He tried to coax a bucket of Kentucky Fried in return for the answer, but like a studio that pays a marginal actor some $15 million while giving the screenwriter $26,000 and monkey points, I talked him down to the green sandwich that was sitting in the back of my refrigerator (that ain't lettuce or pesto).
In his best Walter Brooke from "The Graduate," Necky said, "squirrels."
Necky, you're like a circle, you have no point.
"No, all of the movies that I've just mentioned, they are all the rage and they all tested through the roof. I know, I have a cousin Becky who does test screenings for the studios down in Canoga Park."
There you go folks, "squirrels." People apparently cannot get enough of squirrels in comedies and he told me that I have to recycle the same coffee gag from "Iron Giant," as well.
In between bites of the moldy panino, he grunted, "pepper your scripts with caffeinated kids and squirrels, because they are apparently tracking better than Vin Diesel right now with the 12-24 demographic (and we all know that they are the only ones that the studios are concerned with right now)."
Necky also explained to me that one squirrel in particular has the highest "Q" rating ever and is due to be the next breakthrough star http://us.imdb.com/name/nm0385296/
Labels: Paris Hilton, Writing habits
posted by Writeprocrastinator at 11:49 PM
3 Comments:
Oh my God... That is so funny. You are so dry. I love it!
This is certainly hilarious and eye-opener for me to the world of screen-writer. :)
wish i could say more, unfortunately, I can only talk in bits & bytes :P
Slurp,
Not a screenwriter per se, just a delusional man with donuts and an inflated sense of his work ; P
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