Friday, April 06, 2007

Acne, Smmm-acne?

A commercial fishing boat hauled in what may have been one of the oldest creatures in Alaska — a giant rockfish estimated to be about a century old.

The 44-inch, 60-pound female shortraker rockfish was caught last month by the catcher-processor Kodiak Enterprise as it trawled for pollock 2,100 feet below the surface, south of the Pribilof Islands in the Bering Sea.

The Seattle-based vessel, owned by Trident Seafoods, pulled up an estimated 75 tons of pollock and 10 bright-orange rockfish.

Scientists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration at the Alaska Fisheries Science Center in Seattle measured, photographed and documented the fish. They removed an ear bone, the otolith, which contains growth rings similar to rings in the trunks of trees.

They estimate the rockfish was 90 to 115 years old.

To wit, people...bull...f**cking...sh*t.

Horse cookies.

Mularkey.

You know what this is? I'll tell you what this is.

Breakout the Wayback Machine, Sherman, and set it for March, 1982. I had a crush on this gal. Pretty eyes, devastating smile and a body that was mmmmm-hmmmm. You would say "voluptuous" and I would say, "everything in the right places, and then some."

When we looked at each other? Not quite electric, but pretty damn close. There was only one problem, well there was a couple, but one huge problem. She was a Republican and not just any Republican, I mean, Mussolini and Anne Coulter would look like moderates, compared to her.

We never talked politics, or really anything at all. Because every time she talked about anything other than gym? Nails on the political and social chalkboard. I always wanted to ask her out, but I couldn't bring myself to do it and I'm sure that if I had, her parents would've brought out the rope and looked for the closest tree, anyway.

The point being, the resulting stress gave me zits. I say "zits," plural. Yet, one of those zits began to grow...

and grow...


and grow...


...I mean, soon, it seem to take on a life of it's own. A week later? I swear the thing was pulsing...throbbing...no, I'm not talking about something in my teenage pants, I'm talking the Atlas of Acne.

What? What was that? Oh, Good Lord, it is breathing?

I panicked and bought a case of Clearasil. I went home, I brought a five quart stainless steel bowl into the bathroom and I poured the contents into the bowl. Just then, I nearly got whiplash as my head reared back and two eyes appeared from the middle of the Atlas of Acne, the zenith of zits.

A mouth appeared under those eyes and it let out a crazed roar. My head snapped to the left as the zit broke free of me and dove for the commode. The zit let out the most hideous squeals as it tried to squeeze itself down the toilet and I doused it with Clearasil, in a vain effort to destroy it.

The point is, Ladies and Gentlemen, I would know those eyes anywhere. The above picture is anything but a rockfish, that, is my zit.

5 Comments:

Blogger John said...

I just saw "The Host" tonight and I'm pretty sure THAT THING was what the film was based upon.

Your zit story reminded me of the zit episode from Invader Zim (okay, maybe I am twelve after all).

JDC

Fri Apr 06, 09:47:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

Johnny Dollars,

Oh, dang, I didn't even trip off of that! To differentiate between the movies of the same title, the JDC is talking about the Korean tadpole movie!

I haven't seen what the tadpole looks like, but the FX house is right here in San Francisco and they get write-ups in all the newspapers and weeklies.

"Your zit story reminded me of the zit episode from Invader Zim (okay, maybe I am twelve after all)."

Three cartoons that I never bothered to watch beyond the first painful minutes of viewing them and that I never mention on this blog:

1) The Smurfs
2) Ed, Edd & Eddy
3) Invader Zim

No offense, they're not for me.

Fri Apr 06, 10:14:00 PM PDT  
Blogger John said...

choke....sputter...hack
You put Zim (I have all of the dvds) in the same paragraph with those? Ack, I'm going back to hospitial.

JDC

Sat Apr 07, 07:40:00 AM PDT  
Blogger "jew" "girl" said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sat Apr 07, 11:05:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

Johnny Dollars,

Sorry, I thought the show was waste of a good theme song and I don't like it when Richard Steven Horvitz overacts, regardless of the cartoon.

That goes for episodes of "Squirrel Boy" and Billy on "The Adventures of Grim, Billy and Mandy," too.

Katie-lah,

I'm glad you like.

Sat Apr 07, 11:28:00 AM PDT  

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