Sunday, February 25, 2007

R.M.B.A.S. Oscars Eye Eye

I've gotten five hits from people looking for which song of the Pogues that Cadillac used. It's "The Sunnyside of The Street." Pogue mahone means "kiss my ass" in Gaelic and that's what I say to Cadillac. I'm glad that they are using a Pogues song because I can't get sick of song I may have heard only once in my life. Now, Led Zeppelin's "Rock And Roll?" Thanks to hearing it over a hundred times over a year and a half, I can barely tolerate it. Every time I hear the opening drums, it's a Pavlovian experiment gone wrong, complete with facial tics in synch to John Bonham hitting the cymbals.

I’m going to write this in real time and as unedited as possible on Microsoft Word, so when I import it over, there might be some weird symbols or signs on the ends of the sentences. Those are Word-related. Please realize that I already knew the outcome by the time I posted this, these thoughts and ramblings are in chronological order.

First, go ahead Academy, make me wrong.

Ellen had a killer opening monologue, but she needs to give back the tuxedo from 1982, to that creepy kid that sat behind me in history.

The cynic in me says that he won’t get it and there is a faction of voters that plain just don’t like such a talented man. They’d write in Michael Bay, if it would keep him from getting Best Director.

Whoa, who stole Nicholson’s hair? “Wait until they get a load of me,” indeed.

I don’t know if Vegas covers their action, but I’m pretty sure there is an odds house in England that will take the money off the desperate gamblers that will drop at least two large on who will win Best Art Direction.

No, Helen Mirren will be coming home with me.

As soon as they rolled out the “Flags Of Our Fathers/Letters From Iwo Jima” clip before all the other nominee clips, we knew what time it was and Marty knew what time it was. “No Vaseline, no reach-around, no kiss before or after, and let us know when you are down to your last two years of life, so that we can give you the Lifetime Achievement Award."

The Hollywood Sound Effects choir omitted one very important sound effect, the knives plunging into Scorsese’s back.

To all the tradespeople who create the sound, special effects, sets, costumes, and lighting: The Academy wants you to keep creating the magic, but you get to thank your mom and it’s on your way. Don’t make them have ten seat-fillers sit on you.

I haven’t seen his performance nor would it be necessary. You knew that Eddie Murphy wasn’t going to win and Eddie knew he wasn’t going to win. The Will Ferrel, Jack Black and John C. Reilly skit wasn’t an omen or a clue, but reality. Congratulations to Alan Arkin, it was a great performance.

All the screenwriters know, that Ellen’s are made of brass. Damn, if every screenwriter from Halifax to Hollywood didn’t wish that it was their script that Ellen put in Marty’s hands.

Let’s see: Baby James, Melissa “no Christmas Cards from Lou Diamond Phillips” Etheridge, ‘kay...

“Cars” didn’t win? Hmmm, the screwin’ is on like “Deliverance” gone wrong. “Whoo-wee, you sure got a purty little movie, Marty!”

A tribute to screenwriters? What? There are writers for movies? The movies don’t write themselves? You mean the actors don’t just improvise the entire movie?

Did that ignorant hussy of an announcer just say that “Infernal Affairs” was a Japanese film? Infernal gwai-lo!

You’re not listening, Helen is coming home with me. She’s likes her men all bitter and cynical. And most of all, she loves a man who know his take-out...or take-away, as they say in England.

It’s now official, Ellen is the greatest non-Billy Crystal Oscar host ever. Having Spielberg take your picture and giving him instructions in photo composition? Priceless.

I’m sorry Helen, I’m leaving you for Catherine Deneuve. Catherine? Age is nothing but a number, come see about me.

Who’s that idiot just jumped for joy and landed on Guillermo Del Toro? Doesn’t he know that he’ll have Hellboy to pay?

I was happy for whoever was going to win Best Supporting Actress and they all would’ve made for good stories. Most of all, I’m glad that girls and women in this world can have a role model in Jennifer Hudson. Moreover, it reaffirms what I've always said about "American (M)idol," Simon doesn't know shit.

Good for you Davis Guggenheim, now find do a documentary about how Scorsese gets robbed more often than all of liquor stores in the world, combined. By the way, you knew damn well that they weren’t going to cut Gore off in mid-speech. there’s Celine. Okay, this is what I’m getting at, I don’t know the music nominations this year, but if 316 Mafia won for a song about the hardships of being a pimp, why not T.I. for “What You Know?” What, did the Academy get bored with rap all of a sudden?

It’s beautiful that “Little Miss Sunshine” won the Best Original Screenplay and here’s to hoping that more independent films win in the B.O.S. category, or are at least taken as seriously as their multi-million dollar counterparts.

When you don’t quite enjoy the “Dreamgirls” numbers, cleavage comes to the rescue.

Dang, Melissa Etheridge is wearing the tuxedo I got married in. By the way, from Rosecrans Avenue to Roosevelt Field, there are a whole bunch of people screaming “we wuz robbed!”

After harping on the so-called tribute to Noir last year, I realize that the pointless and seemingly ill-conceived montage, is actually a signal for everyone at home, to go to the bathroom.

Thelma Schoonmaker wins! The greatest editor of our time has just won for Best Editing, could Scorsese’s drought be over?

Ellen’s losing momentum, but she’s still pretty funny.

See Phillip Seymour Hoffman? He and I have the same's called sleep on your hair while it’s wet. You can’t be it for the "mystery effect."

On second thought, Helen, forget I said anything about Catherine, and come see about me.

Is that a Pogues song that Cadillac is using? If so, GM? Pogue mahone! If that is Flogging Molly or another Gaelic band, never mind.

“Somebody dropped their rolling papers.” That was gold!

“Win, Forrest, win!” Sorry, ahem. To put such a human face on someone who was inhuman, is quite an accomplishment. A huge congratulations to Mr. Whitaker.

Say what you want about George Lucas, but he’s a good sport getting up their on the stage and being the straight man, to a joke that has been gnawing on him for years.

Ha-hah! Jesus, I’m gonna have a heart attack! Oh my God! Oh my God! Yes, that was me waking up the dead down in Colma (some twelve miles away) with my victory yell! “Could you double check the envelope?” Fucking brilliant Marty, fucking brilliant! Few get a chance at redemption and Academy has finally redeem itself by righting a decades-long wrong.

Not only that, they didn’t step on his speech! Well Leo, you got to work with the true “King of The World!”

I’m sorry, the Best Picture is anti-climatic...wait a minute! Excuse me, “The Departed” won! Justice has been served and this is truly a wondrous day in America!

P.S. I saw John standing next to Queen Latifah and his hair was perfect, a-woooo!

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Blogger "jew" "girl" said...

fantastic, wp! loved every single word.

Mon Feb 26, 04:21:00 PM PST  
Blogger Dale said...

Nice going sir. That was a lot of fun and I wish I'd just had this to read rather than sitting through the whole show.

While reading, I didn't get up once to check my email, get snacks, check the snowstorm or pick my nose once! Bravo!

How am I going to know it's you when you stand up to get your award eventually?

Mon Feb 26, 05:23:00 PM PST  
Blogger Beth said...

Excellent post, WP! I enjoyed your play-by-play much more than the show I won.

p.s. Even I would go home with Helen.

Mon Feb 26, 06:32:00 PM PST  
Blogger Beth said...

um ... my presumptious self meant to write than the show I watched.

GO MARTY! Didn't you love his heartfelt tears when Thelma won?

Mon Feb 26, 06:35:00 PM PST  
Blogger chelene said...

Excellent recap! When Thelma won I had a tiny inkling...but I didn't want to get my hopes up. Very happy for Mr. Scorsese. I'm surprised DeNiro wasn't there.

Mon Feb 26, 06:51:00 PM PST  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...


Thank you.


"Nice going sir. That was a lot of fun and I wish I'd just had this to read rather than sitting through the whole show."

We (bloggers, not the royal "we") all have to take a bullet for our blog's sake, right? I'm glad that there was Scorsese in the mix or I probably would've waited until they gave away the awards for Best Adapted and Best Original Screenplays.

"How am I going to know it's you when you stand up to get your award eventually?"

I might launch into Messrs. Parker and Stone's "Blame Canada."


"um ... my presumptious self meant to write than the show I watched."

Thanks, but you might've been right the first time, eh? When is the last time Georgia was represented?

Helen is the rare creature that gets better with age.


Thank you. I wasn't entirely sure, because Thelma had won before, while Marty was handed a flaming bag of Academy poop. In fact, I didn't have any hope at all and the post reflects that.

I wouldn't be surprised if Robert was busy filming and as far as I know, they are still friends.

Mon Feb 26, 08:37:00 PM PST  
Blogger BeckEye said...

No mention of how gorgeous my future husband looked?

Tue Feb 27, 11:59:00 AM PST  
Blogger John said...

There is no justice in the world.
Peter O'Toole left empty handed.

sei gweilo
I always thought that was a term of endearment when it was shouted at me in China town.


Tue Feb 27, 12:48:00 PM PST  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...


Oh, your future husband looked good, but he shouldn't let Bruce Vilanch talk him into writing his material...I'm kidding. I'll drop a Post Scriptum in for you.

Johnny Dollars,

I have an O'Toole rant waiting in the wings, but I don't know how to conclude it because I have mixed feelings. They owe O'Toole so much more than the 2003 Honorary Oscar, but I was happy for Forrest and in my ecstasy for Scorsese, I didn't remember that O'Toole got the shaft until the next morning.

"I always thought that was a term of endearment when it was shouted at me in China town."

I can relate. Always, I wondered when I was in the Barrio, just who was this "Joesph Mama?" And, who was this "Maury Cone?"

Tue Feb 27, 05:10:00 PM PST  
Blogger Dale said...

When is Beckeye getting married to Peter O'Toole?

Tue Feb 27, 07:00:00 PM PST  
Blogger BeckEye said...

A-woooo indeed. Now justice has been served!

Wed Feb 28, 09:30:00 AM PST  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...


Careful, you don't want to wind up on Becka's Sienna Miller-list.


Isn't your husband going on Oprah tomorrow? I know you'll forgive him for "Road Hogs" if he comes to your house and dances to "Town Without Pity."

Wed Feb 28, 10:38:00 PM PST  

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