Sunday, February 24, 2008

The Madness of Oscar R.M.B.A.S. The Third

Ante Scriptum- John Travolta. Just because Becky wanted him mentioned.

What does "R.M.B.A.S." mean? "Random musings, bruisings and aloe-scented soothings" or really, an oddly fanciful way of saying "odds and ends." This year's Oscars will be especially odd for me as I have seen none of the nominees and I do mean none. So like some neo-con pundit, I'll be winging this as ill-informed and misguided as can be. No new taxes, lockup the liberals, get out the falafel, and away we go!

If that vexes you, please realize that I do all this for entertainment purposes and not for gambling or criticism purposes. So if you are looking for those kinds of postings, read my previous Oscar observations here and here, when I had at least a basic idea what I was talking about. Also, I look for "Atonement" to win Best Picture by a touchdown, as Keira Knightley will pull a trick play and show off her anorexic ribs...thus, distracting the Academy voters as they check the box.

The only two films I've seen in the past year that I would describe as Oscar-worthy, are not even nominated: The Lookout and Paris, Je T'aime. This is more of a reflection of how few films I have seen this year as I've taken the screenwriting career off the backburner and put it in the freezer. I've devoted my free time to short story and novel writing and thus, I read.

As always, I'll keep my observations in chronological order and with as little as editing as possible-

"They won't mingle, don't worry." John Stewart on inviting screenwriters to the Vanity Fair Oscar Party and he's dead on with that one.

I'm glad to see that Javier Bardem didn't keep his "never get p*ssy in a million years haircut." His name for that hairstyle, not mine.

"Diablo Cody, you've gone from a stripper, to an Oscar-nominated screenwriter...I hope you enjoy the paycut." Stewart is going subtle and I wonder if people outside of the movie industry are getting half of these good jokes.

You the readers, had all probably enjoyed wonderful little appetizers and plats principaux during your viewing (a.k.a. entrées). Me? Where's my Safeway Buffalo wings? The pull date says they went south, Thursday. So I go with the backup, Blazin' Buffalo Ranch Doritos, 'cause I'm low rent like that.

Congratulations to Brad Bird and if I were to go by "The Iron Giant" and "The Incredibles," I'd imagine that "Ratatouille" should be a great film. Yet I still haven't seen it because I just can't get over the thought of a rat being in a kitchen, even though I've eaten Kentucky Fried Chicken in Manhattan.

Kiss me Cate. By the way Helen Mirren, you've never called, so I have to rescind the offer. So Cate? Come see about me.

Isn't it amazing how "Tim Burton" in an Italian accent, sounds a lot like "timber?"

Did John Stewart just compare Cate Blanchett to a pitbull? Get your eyes checked, son. Rosanne Barr, maybe. Cate? Not likely.

Javier won! Or was it the hair? Yeah, that's it, it's gotta be the hair. Doesn't that hair just make you melt, ladies and some of the gentlemen?

Or is it that it makes your eyes melt in horror?

Speaking of horror, that little nightmare montage that would've been shown if the writer's strike continued? Yeah, The Missus wakes up like that every single day, still married to me after sixteen years. As a matter of fact, if she were to title our little union, it would be something like this classic.

Le Mozart Des Pickpockets? Mais, non! Ceci est fou! Members of the Academy, "The Tonto Woman" is an Elmore F*uckin' Leonard story! Actually look at your ballots the next time, instead of using them as coasters!

If you really want to see Tilda act, check out The Deep End. A good movie that somehow escaped everyone's attention.

Um, I know everybody else has beat me to this punch and blogged about it already, but, uh, Jessica Alba? That quite possibly will be the only way that you will ever get on this particular stage.

Congratulations to Coens on Best Screenplay Adapted From Other Material. Now how's about putting the other Cormac on the map? Then maybe Cate will come see about me.

Seth Rogen is right in that out of the two of them, he looks more like Halle Berry.

Marion Cotillard won and doesn't the Academy love transformations? Seeing her as Edith Piaf was a hellva makeup job, on par with Linda Hunt's in "The Year Of Living Dangerously." Does that mean that she should've beat Cate? Hells no, but Cate will always be a winner in my heart. Or is it that she has won my heart? Cate, (everybody altogether) come see about me.

"The Bourne Ultimatum" has won a bunch of technical awards, obviously this is just keep Procrastinator Junior in the room because other than "Ratatouille" and "Surf's Up," this is the only other nominated film that he's seen.

At ninety-eight years old, you're damn right the orchestra didn't interrupt Robert F. Boyle. If I should live that long, I hope to be that sharp. As is, I pause as much as he does in conversation and I'm only forty-two.

Helen Mirren just called to say that I am a blogging bastard that owes her money and no, she won't come see about me.

I don't know what song this is that just came on after the Best Foreign Picture Oscar, but out comes the mute button and members of the Academy, this is your second warning tonight. If I have to give you a third warning, you'll be getting a timeout. Plus I'll make you watch Jessica Alba in "Fantastic Four" until your eyes fold inside out into your skulls.

John Stewart, you rock and you rule. Bringing Markéta Irglová back out, shows twenty auditorium's worth of class.

How does Roger Deakins not win for Best Cinematographer? With him, I don't even miss Barry Sonnenfeld as the Coens shot caller.

Cate, honest, I won't go all Roberto Benigni-did on Stephen Spielberg's leg-on you. Come see about me.

Oh, Junior and I saw "Sicko," and we were disappointed that it didn't win for Best Documentary.

Wow, Diablo Cody wins it all! I'm proud of her for turning everything that the establishment represents, on its ear! A swift kick in the nuts to the old boy network! Tee it up, Diablo, tee it up!
...and it's good!

Right through the uprights!

No one drinks Daniel Day Lewis's milkshake...no one.

I take that back, maybe the Coen Brothers, because they have two straws! To see Martin Scorsese and The Coens on the same stage, says all is right in the movie universe.

And The Coens win for Best Picture! Hurrah!

In closing, so I have seen some of the nominees, just not the ones for the non-technical categories. So, there will be blood unless Cate Blanchett comes to see about me, then there will be milkshakes for all, and...I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm tired and I'm out of here...

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16 Comments:

Blogger Gifted Typist said...

I think I watch shows like this just to get the post mortem. Sorry to hear the screen writing project is in the freezer. I've got a novel in the freezer too, actually in the attic buried under one award and 92 rejection letters.

Mon Feb 25, 01:10:00 PM PST  
Blogger The Moviequill said...

Bourne winning the editing awards was a stunner, I hated the camera work and cuts in it... maybe if I snorted a few lines of meth and slowed it the fuck down a bit

Mon Feb 25, 04:38:00 PM PST  
Blogger Tanya Espanya said...

Your write up was much more clever and intelligent than mine. Well done! :)

Mon Feb 25, 05:04:00 PM PST  
Blogger chelene said...

I agree with you about The Deep End. I saw that movie in the theatre and I didn't understand why it wasn't a bigger hit.

Mon Feb 25, 06:36:00 PM PST  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

Gifted Typist,

I can't remember if I welcomed you or not. Regardless, welcome.

"I think I watch shows like this just to get the post mortem."

I know what you mean. CNN had a good summary this morning, but they left out most of the humor and that's what most of America need to hear about, as they weren't all that familiar with the nominees.

"Sorry to hear the screen writing project is in the freezer. I've got a novel in the freezer too, actually in the attic buried under one award and 92 rejection letters."

I'd love rejection letters. Hell, I yearn for them and that's no lie. That would suggest that someone actually read my screenplays for a split second, as opposed to using them for birdcage lining or emergency toilet paper. If I had 92 letters, I'd paper my walls ala' Hemingway.

Todd,

Good God, yes! I saw only the first on the big screen and I'm glad because I have to constantly rewind just to have an inkling of what happened. Greengrass is the Pollack of directors in that he just splatters the big screen with images.

Tanya,

I don't know about more clever and I certainly wouldn't say my post is more intelligent than yours. Besides, intelligence on a blog is not measured when you have a little person who requires constant attention. Nevertheless, I went with more Cate and less Clooney. If you want stop by your blog, a whole lot less Clooney ; )

Chelene,

You, me, the people that were in it, the people that financed it, and a couple of stalwart movie critics were the only people on Earth to see it. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Mon Feb 25, 09:43:00 PM PST  
Blogger Beth said...

I saw few of this year's crop, too.

Paris, Je T'aime has been on my to-view list, so that's what I'll watch this weekend.

Great summary, dude.

Wed Feb 27, 06:12:00 AM PST  
Blogger BeckEye said...

Uhhhh....
No mention of John Travolta????

Ha ha ha...my word verification is "pukfum." Sounds like "puke fume," which would be an awesome heavy metal band name.

Thu Feb 28, 12:38:00 PM PST  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

Beth,

I know that you'll enjoy, if not just for the Coen Brothers segment.

Becky,

Mentioning of the Oscar guys is up to you and Tanya, but I'll mention him because you asked.

Thu Feb 28, 05:22:00 PM PST  
Blogger Tanya Espanya said...

What's a John Travolta? Sorry, Beckeye, I love you but I hate your boyfriend.

Thu Feb 28, 05:33:00 PM PST  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

Tanya,

Oooh, a variation of "There Will Be Blood," only it will be on this blog.

Thu Feb 28, 05:46:00 PM PST  
Blogger Gifted Typist said...

WP, I love R letters too. Even if they are boilerplates and unsigned, they spell V-A-L-I-D-A-T-I-O-N, or something like that.

Thu Feb 28, 07:32:00 PM PST  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

Gifted,

"they spell V-A-L-I-D-A-T-I-O-N, or something like that."

That they do, that they do.

Sat Mar 01, 12:29:00 PM PST  
Blogger BeckEye said...

Oh yes, there will be blood. I will drink her Canadian milkshake.

Sat Mar 01, 05:11:00 PM PST  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

Becky,

"Oh yes, there will be blood. I will drink her Canadian milkshake."

That was Keith Richard's favorite drink back in the day.

Sun Mar 02, 12:14:00 PM PST  
Blogger Dale said...

Take photos, I want to see Beckeye.

Nice summary WP, I wish I had missed more of the show than I did.

Sat Mar 08, 03:59:00 PM PST  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

Dale,

I say the same thing every year.

Sat Mar 08, 08:56:00 PM PST  

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