Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Band Names and "Hey, I Used To Work With That Guy!"
A "psychedelic octopus" that somehow, doesn't look very psychedelic. I mean, I've seen more colorful and surreal octopi before, and yes, without the aid of psychotropics. Still, that would be a cool band name...
By the way, which one of you is Psychedelic Octopus?
Of course, if I were going to start a band, the name would be either "Red Headed Stepchild" or "The Japanese Hot Tub Monkeys." The latter is not a pejorative, it's a reference to the Japanese Macaques that chill out in the hot springs. They can be honery little cusses, but they're always mellow when they go hot tubbing.
Then, there are the sea squirts. Okay Sigmund, maybe this time it isn't a cigar or a duck. So many connotations and so little time to blog about them.
Not to mention, they allegedly found a new crustacean...
...new crustacean, my ass! I worked with that guy, he used to help himself to everyone's food in the breakroom fridge. I don't miss the cagey bastard at all, he used to put all eight of his feet on the table, too!
Sunday, February 25, 2007
R.M.B.A.S. Oscars Eye Eye
I’m going to write this in real time and as unedited as possible on Microsoft Word, so when I import it over, there might be some weird symbols or signs on the ends of the sentences. Those are Word-related. Please realize that I already knew the outcome by the time I posted this, these thoughts and ramblings are in chronological order.
First, go ahead Academy, make me wrong.
Ellen had a killer opening monologue, but she needs to give back the tuxedo from 1982, to that creepy kid that sat behind me in history.
The cynic in me says that he won’t get it and there is a faction of voters that plain just don’t like such a talented man. They’d write in Michael Bay, if it would keep him from getting Best Director.
Whoa, who stole Nicholson’s hair? “Wait until they get a load of me,” indeed.
I don’t know if Vegas covers their action, but I’m pretty sure there is an odds house in England that will take the money off the desperate gamblers that will drop at least two large on who will win Best Art Direction.
No, Helen Mirren will be coming home with me.
As soon as they rolled out the “Flags Of Our Fathers/Letters From Iwo Jima” clip before all the other nominee clips, we knew what time it was and Marty knew what time it was. “No Vaseline, no reach-around, no kiss before or after, and let us know when you are down to your last two years of life, so that we can give you the Lifetime Achievement Award."
The Hollywood Sound Effects choir omitted one very important sound effect, the knives plunging into Scorsese’s back.
To all the tradespeople who create the sound, special effects, sets, costumes, and lighting: The Academy wants you to keep creating the magic, but you get to thank your mom and it’s on your way. Don’t make them have ten seat-fillers sit on you.
I haven’t seen his performance nor would it be necessary. You knew that Eddie Murphy wasn’t going to win and Eddie knew he wasn’t going to win. The Will Ferrel, Jack Black and John C. Reilly skit wasn’t an omen or a clue, but reality. Congratulations to Alan Arkin, it was a great performance.
All the screenwriters know, that Ellen’s are made of brass. Damn, if every screenwriter from Halifax to Hollywood didn’t wish that it was their script that Ellen put in Marty’s hands.
Let’s see: Baby James, Melissa “no Christmas Cards from Lou Diamond Phillips” Etheridge, ‘kay...
“Cars” didn’t win? Hmmm, the screwin’ is on like “Deliverance” gone wrong. “Whoo-wee, you sure got a purty little movie, Marty!”
A tribute to screenwriters? What? There are writers for movies? The movies don’t write themselves? You mean the actors don’t just improvise the entire movie?
Did that ignorant hussy of an announcer just say that “Infernal Affairs” was a Japanese film? Infernal gwai-lo!
You’re not listening, Helen is coming home with me. She’s likes her men all bitter and cynical. And most of all, she loves a man who know his take-out...or take-away, as they say in England.
It’s now official, Ellen is the greatest non-Billy Crystal Oscar host ever. Having Spielberg take your picture and giving him instructions in photo composition? Priceless.
I’m sorry Helen, I’m leaving you for Catherine Deneuve. Catherine? Age is nothing but a number, come see about me.
Who’s that idiot just jumped for joy and landed on Guillermo Del Toro? Doesn’t he know that he’ll have Hellboy to pay?
I was happy for whoever was going to win Best Supporting Actress and they all would’ve made for good stories. Most of all, I’m glad that girls and women in this world can have a role model in Jennifer Hudson. Moreover, it reaffirms what I've always said about "American (M)idol," Simon doesn't know shit.
Good for you Davis Guggenheim, now find do a documentary about how Scorsese gets robbed more often than all of liquor stores in the world, combined. By the way, you knew damn well that they weren’t going to cut Gore off in mid-speech.
...now there’s Celine. Okay, this is what I’m getting at, I don’t know the music nominations this year, but if 316 Mafia won for a song about the hardships of being a pimp, why not T.I. for “What You Know?” What, did the Academy get bored with rap all of a sudden?
It’s beautiful that “Little Miss Sunshine” won the Best Original Screenplay and here’s to hoping that more independent films win in the B.O.S. category, or are at least taken as seriously as their multi-million dollar counterparts.
When you don’t quite enjoy the “Dreamgirls” numbers, cleavage comes to the rescue.
Dang, Melissa Etheridge is wearing the tuxedo I got married in. By the way, from Rosecrans Avenue to Roosevelt Field, there are a whole bunch of people screaming “we wuz robbed!”
After harping on the so-called tribute to Noir last year, I realize that the pointless and seemingly ill-conceived montage, is actually a signal for everyone at home, to go to the bathroom.
Thelma Schoonmaker wins! The greatest editor of our time has just won for Best Editing, could Scorsese’s drought be over?
Ellen’s losing momentum, but she’s still pretty funny.
See Phillip Seymour Hoffman? He and I have the same hairstylist...it's called sleep on your hair while it’s wet. You can’t be it for the "mystery effect."
On second thought, Helen, forget I said anything about Catherine, and come see about me.
Is that a Pogues song that Cadillac is using? If so, GM? Pogue mahone! If that is Flogging Molly or another Gaelic band, never mind.
“Somebody dropped their rolling papers.” That was gold!
“Win, Forrest, win!” Sorry, ahem. To put such a human face on someone who was inhuman, is quite an accomplishment. A huge congratulations to Mr. Whitaker.
Say what you want about George Lucas, but he’s a good sport getting up their on the stage and being the straight man, to a joke that has been gnawing on him for years.
Ha-hah! Jesus, I’m gonna have a heart attack! Oh my God! Oh my God! Yes, that was me waking up the dead down in Colma (some twelve miles away) with my victory yell! “Could you double check the envelope?” Fucking brilliant Marty, fucking brilliant! Few get a chance at redemption and Academy has finally redeem itself by righting a decades-long wrong.
Not only that, they didn’t step on his speech! Well Leo, you got to work with the true “King of The World!”
I’m sorry, the Best Picture is anti-climatic...wait a minute! Excuse me, “The Departed” won! Justice has been served and this is truly a wondrous day in America!
P.S. I saw John standing next to Queen Latifah and his hair was perfect, a-woooo!
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Ooooh, Yet Another Slogan
In a mug, in a large mug, in a white t-shirt, and a baseball jersey. Not to mention, a hoodie and a sweatshirt to keep your warm through the remaining months of winter.
Orrrr, how about a tote bag? Don't you know that your desktop and laptop are getting lonely? Try a mousepad for each, in black and white.
Friday, February 23, 2007
More Food Vidcap Madness
This is not quite as funny as the Giada's "cranberry incident," but silly, nonetheless. Then this one just makes me wish I were fresh pasta. The thing is, Rachael Ray and Paula Deen are funny in real time, but Giada is funnier in stop-motion mode, via vidcaps. I can relate to her in that we both make lousy poker players and our faces have "tells," or "giveaways." Much like the dogs playing poker in the painting.
Most of the dishes she cooks are pretty good, but she should taste-test everything before the show, instead of going with an untested dish on camera.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Do You See What I See?...
Australia, New Zealand, Malaysia, Thailand, Vietnam, Hong Kong, and of course, Singapore. All of the food, the sights, without the passport hassles, surly stewardesses and perverted customs agents.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Tutti me volgiono, tutti me chiamano
The Second Funniest Food Blog Entry, Ever
You don't believe me? Check out this Bourdain excerpt on Giada DeLaurentis:
What’s going on here!? Giada can actually cook! She was robbed in her bout versus Rachael Ray on Iron Chef America. ROBBED!
And Food Net seems more interested in her enormous head (big head equals big ratings. Really!) and her cleavage--than the fact that she’s likeable, knows what she’s doing in an Italian kitchen--and makes food you’d actually want to eat. The new high concept Weekend Getaway show is a horrible, tired re-cap of the cheap-ass “Best Of” and “40 Dollar a Day” formula.
Send host to empty restaurant. Watch them make crappy food for her. Have her take a few lonely, awkward stabs at the plate, then feign enjoyment with appropriately orgasmic eye-closing and moaning..Before spitting it out and rushing to the trailer. Send her to Italy and let her cook. She’s good at it.
Of course, my most favorite, funniest food-related blog entry of all time is this one...
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Marcel: This girl came up to me at a nightclub and asked me if I was Marcel from Top Chef. The next thing I knew, this bottle struck me, and my friends had to rush me to the hospital. I needed 30 stitches for this.
I didn't like the guy on the show, but I never insult or assault people that prepare or serve food. It's the kind of karma that comes back around to you, entirely too fast and all too wrong.
(I spotted the Marcel-bit on Beth Spotswood's blog)
Tanti Auguri a Becka
Stalin and Mao are stirring the shit up from beyond the grave! Go over to her blog and wish her a Happy Birthday, so that we can have freedom in our great land again!
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Her "Stooges Fu," Is Strong?
A) The rustling of her hair sure gets loud when she's hung over.
B) When she forgets to strap her children in, yet again, the kids panic and grab for her hair.
C) Her rendition of "Nothing Compares 2 U" to win K-Fed back, complete with the Sinead O'Connor-look, hadn't quite gone over as she planned.
D) She's rejecting all of her material trappings and joining the Shaolin Temple. Where upon completion of her training, she will "wander the Earth" as "Kwai Chang Spears."
E) She has been possessed by the spirit of Curly Howard? Nya-nya-nung! Woo-woob-woob-woo-woo-woo!
Labels: Bald Britney
Saturday, February 17, 2007
"The Bad French Lieutenant's Wife" is up and running
My Grandmother's Passing
Over the years when my mother was sick, my grandmother filled the maternal and spiritual void. It wasn't really that much of a Freudian slip when I called her "mom," because for all intents and purposes, she was.
To a degree, I was a lousy grandson. I could never live up to the personal and academic expectations that she had for me. Not to mention that the divorce between my parents, created the first in a series of rifts that continue to tear my family apart today.
I'd like to talk about this in depth, but a couple of people in my mother's side of the family know about the blog and that would be just salt and lemon on the papercut that is our family. So I'll just say that I miss you very much, Grandma, and I know that you've gone on to a better place you are not in pain anymore.
They're Out Of Beta, But Will My Blog Work?
A: So far, so good!
Das ist premer, das ist good
We fill Lili Marlene
We filllll Lili Marlene
Labels: I murder the German language
Friday, February 09, 2007
Holy Sh*t, I Got Through!
Sunday, February 04, 2007
"Street Raised" Is Reviewed By The God of Noir
So after much trial and terror, I mean, error, I figured out how to get back here.
Oye, cue Cypress Hill, Esse...
"We, we ain't goin' out"
(We ain't goin' out like that!)
"We ain't goin' out like that!"
"We, we ain't goin' out"
(We ain't goin' out like that!)
"No, we ain't goin' out like that!"
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Eric's World O' Food
"Aus dem veg, Ich will zum steak."
BTW, why doesn't Trader Joe's make chimichurri sauce anymore?
Thursday, February 01, 2007
A Short-hand Verison of Today
It was nothing major and as Procrastinator Junior later described it, "I've been hit harder riding in bumpercars." I got out and would've beat the driver for thirty minutes or so...except the kid was in the car and he needed to get to school. I cursed the driver and left it alone, because there was no damage, just aggravation. Still, I'll never knowingly eat their bread again.
Junior and I are gettin' in shape and it wasn't a New Year's Resolution behind this. It was a visit to the pediatrician, amongst other things.
I learned a new word tonight off of somebody's blog. Of course I thought it was something naughtier and it proved not to be. Unfortunately words seldom are, despite the wrong things we do with them by taking them out of context. Dale sez let's talk about Wallace and Gromett, what do you say, people?