Another Story And A Milestone Slips Under The Radar

This is not quite as dark as I've gotten before, but, hey...

Cormac Writes was supposed to have more content, but some of my writing has not gone in the direction that I wanted and on the other hand, some of it is being coveted for an anthology. I owe three people email and I don't that what is left of my meager supply of gray matter, can respond until next week. The thing is that you should chop some green onions and get out the salsa, because I am fried.

Now I know why the late, great Hunter S. was so prone to ingesting chemicals and blowing things up. Not that I could partake of either, I'm too tired. BTW, I could be mistaken but most blogs with the exception of Papercuts, have not recognized this event. That's right, Mr. Thompson would've been seven decades old. A brilliant man, I never understood even three words that he said out loud, but a brilliant man, nonetheless.

God's Going To Get A Little Flustered

Be selective of your prayers to God, because he's going to be just a little flustered for awhile. Not even God can stump the Master when they draw x's and o's in the clouds. Rest in peace, Coach Walsh.

BTW, everyone from Titletown, to Denver, to Tampa Bay? That's Bill Walsh's system that got you those Lombardis with disciples of the Master.

Goodbye Tom, I Hardly Knew Ye

Bow your heads, please and could we have a moment of silence? Tom Snyder died Sunday in San Francisco from complications associated with leukemia.

When I was young and stayed up to watch my own little black & white TV (not a euphemism, people! Clean it up, damn it!), there was all kinds of good stuff on TV. All kinds of movies, Brit TV, monster movies, and of course Johnny Carson which I got. Because he was silly enough for my pre-teen and teenage years.

Tom Snyder? I didn't have a clue. I barely recognized some of his guests like Elvis Costello and I was too young to get cats like Vidal and Capote. The politicians he had on were even more obscure to me, though I would recognize most of them now, as well as the lower-tier movie stars that were obscure to me back then.

I understood enough of him to enjoy Dan Ackroyd's lampoons of him and especially, the gratuitous smoking. When he came back on the air in '95, I was sorry that I didn't get him the first time around. He was sublime, a real treat and he seemed a little more humble with this go around.

He had on David Milch, it seemed like every other episode I watched, since Friday is typically the only weekday I have off. Yet here was Milch and I was just working out this thing called screenwriting. Tom Snyder had on a working screenwriter that wasn't an author, for Pete's sake. No other talk shows want to acknowledge screenwriters before or since, I guess they're afraid that their staff will revolt.

I used to look forward to Friday's with Tom and for once, there was a talk show for adults...as opposed to Leno being ultra-smarmy or one for drunk college kids (not that there's anything wrong with that, hic!). Then Craig Kilborn's star went through the roof on the original "The Daily Show" and Tom got the boot. The great part about that was that John Stewart could finally catapult to the forefront where his deserved to be and the bad aspect was that we the audience, were stuck with a Kilborn that was on the verge of burnout.

Craigers started to condescend to his guest within months and there was a void for intelligent talk shows for adults, not that everybody in this house doesn't love Letterman. It's just that Letterman is only allowed to be serious for only a few moments each show.

Now mind you, I'm not talking about "The Daily Show" or "The Colbert Report" when I say adult talk shows pretty much begin and end with Charlie Rose. I'm talking about a show that is riff or spoof-free, where thoughtful ideas are exchanged. This something that is missing and now that Tom is gone, the void has somehow deepened.

One Of Katie's Favorite Words Makes It Past The FCC

Courtesy of Bill Crider's blog, one of Katie's favorite words will become a TV station. Well, at least this station will be able to pay for itself in t-shirt and merchandise sales alone.

The Real Reason Why Beyonce Tripped

You are all in denial. You know the real reason why Beyonce fell down on stage the other night...















...that's right, Reaper Kitty. Laugh and scoff all you want, but he's branching out to beyond the elderly and he's out to destroy all of our recording stars, one-by-one. Sure he's cute, but y'all gotta look past that and realize that he must be stopped!

Some Idioms Do Not Translate

So, some twenty-twenty-twenty-two years ago, some Italian friends asked me to clue them in on a Ramones song. They understood English fairly well and consequently, my Italian never improved while I hung out with them. They wanted to learn all the nuances of "I Wanna Be Sedated" and I was happy to explain them as well as I could.

The thing that we all discovered together is that the song's title doesn't translate back into Italian, the idiom doesn't make any sense. Voglio essere sedato means "I want to be sedate," not "sedated." En Italiano, la canzone sarrebe "Voglio essere fuori" or, "I want to be out of it."

Remember though, there is no Italian translation for
fa-fa-fa-fa
fa-fa-fa-fa.

No, Wilbur, no!

Time to go DeNiro as Capone on Trigger and revisit an oldie...

Lobotomy-On, apply directly to the, uurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Or, howzabout...

!続けてSeppiku
ダイレクトに申し込んでください　に　その
!ああ

(Seppiku-On! Apply directly to the, ahhhhhh!)

Shameless Self-promotion

What's this?

Letters To The Editor

Chelene from three of the five boroughs in New York writes in-

"I feel like there should be a picture to go with this post, WP."

Ehi, I'll mull it over...

-Ed

Johnny Dollars from the Sunshine State writes in-

"I feel like there should be some cheesecake pics to go with this blog, WP."

I'll consider it...

-Ed

Beth from the ATL writes in-

"I feel like there should be some beefcake pics to go with this blog, WP."

Just right after I check with the FAA in regards to porcine flight plans. Look, let's be plain and simple, I am not a benevolent editor. So...Beth and John, no cheese or beef, just carrot cake.

-Ed

Note that for a heterosexual male, I have excellent taste in dishware. I buy all the dish and flatware in this household.




Here is the carrot cake I described. It's about a six-point-five to a seven on the taste scale and...

...unwieldy as all hell. Note that cream cheese frosting comes off as soon as the plastic wrap is pulled, not matter how delicately you try to take it off. There would've been a fourth pic, but my beard is grayer than usual and the frosting doesn't photograph on me at all, despite the contrast of my skin as a backdrop.

Duck Season! Rabbit Season!

Rare is the carrot cake that can be eaten by hand.



Yes, that's icing on my moustache, jeez!

I Wrestle...

I wrestle
With my blog now
You wrestle
With your partner

I had a post chock full of :

Vitriol
Jane Austen
A drink recipe
Observations on Indian food

Enough with that cheese and consider it deleted. Um, thanks to Beth, Katie and last but not least, John, for trying to cheer me up via email.

Here's the drink recipe though:

"The Procrastinator" is...

11.5 ounces Kern's Guava Nectar.
4 ounces orange juice.
??? ounces Absolut Peach. I don't know, about four shots worth? Not too much now, or you'll be typing with your forehead instead of your fingers.

Clarification

"Sides, I hope AAM is not one of the editors holding things up for you."

No, the editors of AAM have been nothing but gentlemen and not that the other editors have been less than honorable. It has been a case of they have left my stories in limbo without responding to my inquiries, after some two weeks (and in the other case, four) have elapsed without any response.

Hi-atus Until July 30th

I'm not complaining, I'm merely explaining my actions...

The same four people come by everyday (xoxoxo for them).
Pretty much the same eight people lurk every other day (xoxoxo for them, too).
A dozen people come by once a week.

A lot of my regulars don't drop by much anymore, that's okay. That's the flux of blogging and a this is a constant not only in blogging, but also in life.

I spent most of this morning writing a short story, so I'm kinda tapped out. The thing is that I am tapped out virtually every day and this blog has become something of a chore, rather than a source of fun or a creative outlet. So if I spend my remaining energy every day on this thing and everyone feels kind of indifferent, I'd rather spend that meager energy on something else. I'm not criticizing anyone and again, I'm just explaining why I'm fairly dispassionate about this blog.

I have two short stories that are being held up by online editors (one for a couple of weeks and one for over a month) and that kind of irritates me. You the reader? That's not your fault, I'm just letting you in on why I am a little more crankier than usual.

So I'll do something for the Bad Lieutenant's Wife soon and then I'm putting all of my effort on the third blog (and related ventures), for the next three weeks or so. I definitely won't be posting here until July 30th at the earliest.

Take care and all the best,

Write Procrastinator

Another Weather First?

Verified and amended --------> Since they have recorded the weather in San Francisco, this is the first time that it has rained on July18th.




This is what now qualifies as blogging around here? Apparently, yes.




Sigh. Time for another hiatus to recharge the batteries.

We All Live In A Pokemon World

The majority of you don't know that theme song and if you did, you won't be able to get that out of your head. So, seeing a picture of Flannery's offspring in which she was the victor of "who falls asleep first," reminds me of a story that the Missus likes to tell often. If you've ever had a kid under five, chances are that they've worn you down almost to a nub, while they dance circles around you.

On one such occasion where I was asleep and the Missus was typing transciptions at home, she became "beyond tired" because of a heavy work load that day. She was sitting with Procrastinator Junior next to the couch and she fell momentarily fell asleep.

Well, before everybody fears for the worst, not to worry. Procrastinator Junior took this occasion to explore his creative side. The Missus woke up moments later, covered in Pokemon stickers.

That was the last time she "fell asleep" on the job. The next time that she was too tired, she would kick me out of bed (not that far from literally) and say "your turn to watch him."

"Caesar" Means "Hairy"

So for a story, I forgot how to spell "Tommaso." No problem, that's what the Internet is for. I found a relevant site on the first hit and I discovered some other things too:

Calvino or "Calvin" in English, means "little bald one."

"Biaggio" means to "talk with a lisp (wha?)."

Cesare or "Caear" means "hairy." All hail Hirsute!

"Cosimo/Cosmo" means "order, beauty." Because the DeMedici's were all about order...




...theirs of course.

"Elmo" means "helmet" or "protection. Think "helm, " Matt.

"Fausto" means "lucky." I had a neighbor named Fausto in Parma and the cat was as sinister as all hell. I always equated him as the wrong end of a Faustian deal and he was far from lucky. I never did figure out just how he concealed his tail and horns, either.

What do you know? "Fonsie/Fonzie" is derived from "Alphonso" and it means "noble and ready." Though, for some reason "Potsie" seems to be conspicuously absent from the Italian language. Go fig.

Three Guys Walk In, $282 Million Walks Out

So let's get the straight. In the NY Times yesterday, an article said and I'll quote for those who haven't registered online:

BAGHDAD, July 11 — In an astonishing heist, guards at a bank here made off with more than a quarter-billion dollars on Wednesday, according to an official at the Interior Ministry.

The robbery, of $282 million from the Dar Es Salaam bank, a private financial institution, raised more questions than it answered, and officials were tight-lipped about the crime. The local police said two guards engineered the robbery, but an official at the Interior Ministry said three guards were involved.

Both confirmed that the stolen money was in American dollars, not Iraqi dinars. It was unclear why the bank had that much money on hand in dollars, or how the robbers managed to move such a large amount without being detected.

Several officials speculated that the robbers had connections to the militias, because it would be difficult for them to move without being searched through many checkpoints in Baghdad.

Just "three guards" did that and nobody saw a thing. Wait, don't they mean "Three Kings?"

I once read a short story that explained how much space a million dollars actually took up, though I can't remember where it is. Still, let's think about this, the bills would probably be not in $1,000 dollar bills, but in smaller denominations.

We're talking $282 million dollars here, most likely in denominations of twenties. That would certainly take up more space than the bed of a full ton truck. And all those so-called "other guards" would have to look the other way while they moved this considerable haul.

They would also have to get through all the checkpoints and for that to happen, don't count against the fact that a good portion of that money did not fall into the hands of our enemies. Yet, this only merits four paragraphs? Yet, Illresident Shrub believes that we can win this thing?

Crossed Signals

It rarely happens with my current cell phone carrier, but it happened six or seven times a week with my old one.

My phone rings...

Me: Hello?
(pregnant pause)
Unknown Caller: Whooo is this?!
Me: Yeah, uh, hello?
Unknown Caller: I said, "who is this?!"
Me: Um, you called me.
Unknown Caller: I said, "who is this?!"
Me: One more time, you called me-
CLICK!

The "six or seven times a week" was a skewed number, as these idiots would immediately call back and hang up when they realized whoever they were looking for wasn't at this number.

I don't blame it entirely on them, the old cell carrier was a handful. One time my accountant called me up and asked me why I had called her...I didn't. I'm guessing that it had something to do with the carrier's end, as my phone had the keyguard on and thus, I couldn't have accidentally called her.

I had called people on the old carrier and gotten wrong numbers before, but never twice in a row. It was a flat rate plan, so their profit was marginal and I guess in that aspect, you really get what you pay for.

Nicknames and Blogpourri

The nicknames I like so far:

"Semper Scripta"
"Mr. Crispy"
"Write Compulsive"
"Cor"

New to the link-o-rama are the Bubs with possibly the longest blog name, ever.

Dead Spot is trying to revive The Bad Lieutenant's Wife. Bless you Spot, I think it would be easier to teach Anne (pubic hair) to say something nice about the Edwards Family.

I thanked Chris, but I'll bet he doesn't know.

P.S. "Always Write" and "Semper Scriptum" are already taken.

P.P.S. Dead Spot says "all of my submissions in this post but Live Free Or Die Fledermaus have a theme. If you can figure it out, you get a cookie. Or something."

I Want A New Nickname

I want a new nickname, Huey Lewis. One that won't make me my grandfather's casket do pirouettes (i.e. "WP").

Not "Monsieur Le Touche'," that's too cumbersome. Not "Skittles," I don't want anyone to taste my rainbow. Not "Psycho," I'm not putting on the wig, Anthony Perkins. Not "Mr. Angry," that belongs to "Angry Anderson" of an Austrailian metal group whose name I have long forgotten.

Not "Pigeon Slayer," Beth. Not "Speedo" or "Mister Earl," no one gets those references.

Any nominations? Somebody come up with something sensible before I change the name of this blog to "Racer X."

C'mon Kleenex...

It's always the same...


...whether it's a bathroom...

...or a bedroom, it's all too cutesy for me.

You know exactly what I am talking about, the printed scenes on the box of tissues. Idyllic flowers, meadows and forests full of butterflies, hummingbirds, songbirds, and the like. All those things, or a wallpaper pattern that would get a first-year art student thrown out of a third-rate art school.

Maybe you'll get lucky and they'll put an Impressionist painting on there, but those get snatched up real fast. The next time my nose is running, I want real change when I reach for a tissue. I want the box covered in with a Coop vixen, ready to spring forth out of her outfit! Or maybe an Ed Roth original, I mean who doesn't want to see Rat Fink staring back at you when you go to the bathroom?

Let's go one better, a box covered in flames. Not hotrod flames mind you, realistic looking flames that truly represent the bug that is tearing everything from your brain to your toes, apart and that has you just half of a degree away from death.

C'mon Kleenex, grow a pair and surprise me.

P.S. I forgot a pirate skull & bones motif, Procrastinator Junior woke up early while I was searching for an "more appropriate" Coop pic to link and threw me off. What? Yes, I shrunk the screen in time.

A Few Observations

No B.S.

Follow this equation ------> Greasy HomeTown Buffet food + Absolut Peach = NeoCon-type Nightmares. I'm not going into detail, but if you want to write like Stephen King, give it a try.

Absolute Peach is not...a "peach" that is. It needs something more "peachy," maybe peach schnapps?

Lounging on the stomach of the Missus in the morning, there's one fact that I seem to remember and forget every two years or so: I had never dated a woman with an "outie." This morning I delved deeper and I mulled it over. Here we are in the age of the "baby T-shirt" and blouses that seem two sizes too small, and I haven't seen a woman with an outie in ages.

Not that I dig outies, but they used to exist and certainly not all women can afford to cosmetic surgery, so where did the women with the outies go to?

Procrastinator Goes Middle America

First, whoever the genius was in Caltrans that decided to pattern the freeways of San Jose after the ones in L.A. by putting overpasses right next to vital exits? Thank you very much, I love crossing four lanes of traffic (two of those lanes, people merging in from another overpass that only God knows where they came from) to have someone dive for that overpass and just miss my bumper.

It would seem to me that you were clearly bought off by:

A) The auto body repair industry, as each one of these intersections in the middle of a freeway should guarantee at least two accidents a day.
B) The blood pressure and heart medication industry. So that's what a minor heart attack feels like! Cool! Call me "Oliver," because you make me want to say "please Sir, can I have some more?"
C) The liquor industry. Because navigating through that would turn a tea-totaler into a two martini-a-day habit.

Those denizens of San Jose who tried to commit road sodomy on me? Next time, I want flowers, a kiss and wear a condom. Miserable donkey felchers.

Enough with the traffic rant and on to the big slice of Middle America! Oh boy, I went to my first Hometown Buffet! It's an all you can eat cafeteria, it's a brightly lit piece of Nebraskan restaurant in the middle of Northern California, it's two, two, two pieces of Middle Americana in one!

Burgers? Yeah, they got 'em, dry as your high school cafeteria, though sadly, missing the bits of bone. They even have steak and prime rib! But you'll never get more than a small slice, cut on the thinnest of biases.

They make this poor woman slice and dish the cuts of meat...she is the most dispised person in the restaurant...that includes the kid that screams for fifteen straight minutes because he can't have seconds on pudding. Trust me kid, that ain't "pudding." Drop the last four letters and that's what you get.

At any rate, I thanked this poor woman and I think I blew her mind for a quick second. She expected me to grab the carving fork and threaten her with it, as the previous three customers had.

Most of the food was decent to good and you get what you pay for. They have real good polish sausage, good fried chicken and the like.

It's just that after we left, for some reason...I don't know. I just wanted to put on a Jim Beam hat and vote Republican. Maybe it's something they put in the pud...er, "pudding."

Click This

Pssst...

Quizzes Suck!

I'm all fed-up with quizzes, again, I get f**ked!

Your Movie Buff Quotient: 64%

You are a total movie buff. Classics, blockbusters, indie favorites... you've seen most of them.Your friends know to come to you whenever they need a few good DVD rental suggestions.

Are You a Movie Buff?

Because I was honest, I get a 64%?

With the exception "Million Dollar Baby," "The Exorcist," "American Beauty," and "Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind," I have seen at least two-thirds of every film on that list. So I didn't click a film that I didn't see all the way from opening scene to credits, though I can recite the majority of the crucial scenes from most of those films.

"64%??" P-tuiiieee! I spit on online quizzes and I use them to wipe my shoes after I walk in the park!

At any rate, a special thanks to Moxie for giving me something to blog about without having to think.

Happy Fourth Of July

Happy Fourth of July! We (the household, not the "royal we") are happy to be home in one piece, as every other four-way stop was an adventure in sobriety (theirs, not mine).

I guess turn signals, staying in one lane for more than ten feet at a time and stopping anywhere before or in the crosswalk, have all become optional. I hope that all of you made it back home in one piece.

Beth Has A Triple Meme

Beth tripled up on the meme. Good stuff, Maynard, check it out.

Happy Belated Canada Day

(let's go alphabetically) To Dale, Tanya and Todd, Happy Belated Canada Day!

The Air-conditioning In Spain...

...sadly does not exist, Eliza...so you don't have to repeat after Rex Harrison. Though Tanya's house, now has some and now she is linked here...right above Mr. August. No matter where I go in blogosphere, there is Tanya and she's never more than three comments away from me.

Astonishing Adventures Cafepress Shop

Yes, we have another wonderful prelude to the premiere issue of Astonishing Adventures Magazine, the Astonishing Adventures Cafepress Shop! Shirts, clothing for babies and babes, beer steins, BBQ aprons, boxer shorts, calendars, and posters! All of them featuring Astonishing Adventures new logo!

Note, that the JDC got his logo on a thong before I got mine on one (it's still sitting in a file) and that he could've told me about the shop, before I had to go looking for it ; P