The Madness of Oscar R.M.B.A.S. The Third
What does "R.M.B.A.S." mean? "Random musings, bruisings and aloe-scented soothings" or really, an oddly fanciful way of saying "odds and ends." This year's Oscars will be especially odd for me as I have seen none of the nominees and I do mean none. So like some neo-con pundit, I'll be winging this as ill-informed and misguided as can be. No new taxes, lockup the liberals, get out the falafel, and away we go!
If that vexes you, please realize that I do all this for entertainment purposes and not for gambling or criticism purposes. So if you are looking for those kinds of postings, read my previous Oscar observations here and here, when I had at least a basic idea what I was talking about. Also, I look for "Atonement" to win Best Picture by a touchdown, as Keira Knightley will pull a trick play and show off her anorexic ribs...thus, distracting the Academy voters as they check the box.
The only two films I've seen in the past year that I would describe as Oscar-worthy, are not even nominated: The Lookout and Paris, Je T'aime. This is more of a reflection of how few films I have seen this year as I've taken the screenwriting career off the backburner and put it in the freezer. I've devoted my free time to short story and novel writing and thus, I read.
As always, I'll keep my observations in chronological order and with as little as editing as possible-
"They won't mingle, don't worry." John Stewart on inviting screenwriters to the Vanity Fair Oscar Party and he's dead on with that one.
I'm glad to see that Javier Bardem didn't keep his "never get p*ssy in a million years haircut." His name for that hairstyle, not mine.
"Diablo Cody, you've gone from a stripper, to an Oscar-nominated screenwriter...I hope you enjoy the paycut." Stewart is going subtle and I wonder if people outside of the movie industry are getting half of these good jokes.
You the readers, had all probably enjoyed wonderful little appetizers and plats principaux during your viewing (a.k.a. entrées). Me? Where's my Safeway Buffalo wings? The pull date says they went south, Thursday. So I go with the backup, Blazin' Buffalo Ranch Doritos, 'cause I'm low rent like that.
Congratulations to Brad Bird and if I were to go by "The Iron Giant" and "The Incredibles," I'd imagine that "Ratatouille" should be a great film. Yet I still haven't seen it because I just can't get over the thought of a rat being in a kitchen, even though I've eaten Kentucky Fried Chicken in Manhattan.
Kiss me Cate. By the way Helen Mirren, you've never called, so I have to rescind the offer. So Cate? Come see about me.
Isn't it amazing how "Tim Burton" in an Italian accent, sounds a lot like "timber?"
Did John Stewart just compare Cate Blanchett to a pitbull? Get your eyes checked, son. Rosanne Barr, maybe. Cate? Not likely.
Javier won! Or was it the hair? Yeah, that's it, it's gotta be the hair. Doesn't that hair just make you melt, ladies and some of the gentlemen?
Or is it that it makes your eyes melt in horror?
Speaking of horror, that little nightmare montage that would've been shown if the writer's strike continued? Yeah, The Missus wakes up like that every single day, still married to me after sixteen years. As a matter of fact, if she were to title our little union, it would be something like this classic.
Le Mozart Des Pickpockets? Mais, non! Ceci est fou! Members of the Academy, "The Tonto Woman" is an Elmore F*uckin' Leonard story! Actually look at your ballots the next time, instead of using them as coasters!
If you really want to see Tilda act, check out The Deep End. A good movie that somehow escaped everyone's attention.
Um, I know everybody else has beat me to this punch and blogged about it already, but, uh, Jessica Alba? That quite possibly will be the only way that you will ever get on this particular stage.
Congratulations to Coens on Best Screenplay Adapted From Other Material. Now how's about putting the other Cormac on the map? Then maybe Cate will come see about me.
Seth Rogen is right in that out of the two of them, he looks more like Halle Berry.
Marion Cotillard won and doesn't the Academy love transformations? Seeing her as Edith Piaf was a hellva makeup job, on par with Linda Hunt's in "The Year Of Living Dangerously." Does that mean that she should've beat Cate? Hells no, but Cate will always be a winner in my heart. Or is it that she has won my heart? Cate, (everybody altogether) come see about me.
"The Bourne Ultimatum" has won a bunch of technical awards, obviously this is just keep Procrastinator Junior in the room because other than "Ratatouille" and "Surf's Up," this is the only other nominated film that he's seen.
At ninety-eight years old, you're damn right the orchestra didn't interrupt Robert F. Boyle. If I should live that long, I hope to be that sharp. As is, I pause as much as he does in conversation and I'm only forty-two.
Helen Mirren just called to say that I am a blogging bastard that owes her money and no, she won't come see about me.
I don't know what song this is that just came on after the Best Foreign Picture Oscar, but out comes the mute button and members of the Academy, this is your second warning tonight. If I have to give you a third warning, you'll be getting a timeout. Plus I'll make you watch Jessica Alba in "Fantastic Four" until your eyes fold inside out into your skulls.
John Stewart, you rock and you rule. Bringing Markéta Irglová back out, shows twenty auditorium's worth of class.
How does Roger Deakins not win for Best Cinematographer? With him, I don't even miss Barry Sonnenfeld as the Coens shot caller.
Cate, honest, I won't go all Roberto Benigni-did on Stephen Spielberg's leg-on you. Come see about me.
Oh, Junior and I saw "Sicko," and we were disappointed that it didn't win for Best Documentary.
Wow, Diablo Cody wins it all! I'm proud of her for turning everything that the establishment represents, on its ear! A swift kick in the nuts to the old boy network! Tee it up, Diablo, tee it up!
...and it's good!
Right through the uprights!
No one drinks Daniel Day Lewis's milkshake...no one.
I take that back, maybe the Coen Brothers, because they have two straws! To see Martin Scorsese and The Coens on the same stage, says all is right in the movie universe.
And The Coens win for Best Picture! Hurrah!
In closing, so I have seen some of the nominees, just not the ones for the non-technical categories. So, there will be blood unless Cate Blanchett comes to see about me, then there will be milkshakes for all, and...I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm tired and I'm out of here...