E-Chaos Nibbles, Then Strikes!

Well folks, this was going to be one of my greatest challenges ever, but like Cupid with a fully automatic crossbow, I will eventually hit something...

Dear Write Boo,

He lied to me. He lied to me. I thought he was my one true love and he let me down. I've heard how you've come through for so many people and I've been to all the other Internet dating sites, to no avail. I'm counting on you to come through with someone who is tender and who loves moonlit walks. Someone with big beautiful eyes, who is affectionate and you know I love to have my ears nibbled.

Sincerely,

Star Jones


Hmm, let's see. "Someone who is tender and loves moonlit walks?" I know just the guy!



Unfortunately, he prefers your...um, "previous self."



He said something about "my favorite smorgasbord is all gone" and left our E-Chaos Headquarters in a huff. No problem because here at E-Chaos, we will find that someone who is as close to your perfect match in this or any other world, or we can't "bring the pain," right?

So I have to find someone who:

A) Who is tender.

B) Who loves moonlit walks.

So...

Okay, Star?...


Well, he has an affection for those with tender ears. What the hell, close enough. Let's call this another successful match for E-Chaos, because we bring the pain!

E-Chaos Almost Strikes Again

Dear Write Procrastinator,

I understand that you work real miracles in terms of dating and unfortunately, a miracle is just what I need. I have been searching for love, for all of my life. I have been searching everywhere...not only in this world, but all over the galaxy and I have yet to find true love. I am truly despondent and I am counting on you to come through.






I mean, what's not to love about me? Sure, I have fangs, but who hasn't had a dental problem in their life? Sure, my blood is acid, but no one can call me cold-blooded and I can keep the female of any species warm, even in the most artic of conditions. I mean, I am so lonely, I am ready to settle down, get married and have kids right now (granted, all the offspring of my species would rather burst out than be born. But who is perfect? Who?)! Please come through for me like only you can.


Sincerely

Al Ien.

Well Al, what can I say? My timing has been somewhat off this year. I wish I could help you out. With your needs being what they are, I can only think of one being on my planet that can live up to (or is that withstand?) all of your requirements, as well as the difficulties of different atmospheres.

That is, the only woman that has the resiliency, yet can be tender enough when the moment calls for romance. A woman that won't have any concerns with your dental difficulties as she is somewhat challenged as well. A woman that won't be affected your sanguineous complexities, because she is known to be unaffected by anything that our planet can dish out.

Yet, while her husband is incarcerated, she seems to only want to date record producers. Maybe a change in career is in order for you, as you seem to be more like an agent or a lawyer. Still, keep our service in mind because who knows what the next six months will bring?

Remember folks, we cannot match every being in the universe, but our record on Earth is still perfect. So when you are looking for love, forget about those morons at E-Harmony and give E-Chaos a try.

"E-Chaos," because love hurts and we bring the pain!"

Wow, Another Successful Match From E-Chaos!

Here at E-Chaos, we believe that love is a sentiment best left for greeting cards. True Romance is like art, you must suffer for it, only that we will be the ones to "Van Gough" your ears.

Please, once again, don't simply take our word for it, but take our word for it, listen to our testimonials. The first is from a good friend of mine from the old neighborhood. I know him as Jack Napier, but you probably know him by a different name-




Dear Write Procrastinator,

You've made me happier than the expression on my face, go figure. You really know your matchmaking; I'm a diamond in the rough and she loves diamonds. I've shown her how to save a fortune in plastic surgery...




...via falling into the vat just like I did and experiencing the original "chemical peel." She attacks people with barbs and I attack them with bullets. Together, everywhere is a "red carpet" and no one is safe. Wait until the world gets a load of us.

Sincerely,

The Joker


Hold on folks, the happiness keeps coming like at you like an angry rhino in an alley. Listen to the next wonderful testimonial-


Dear Write Moron,

You've done right by me this time, so I've decided to pay up for hitting your car and I might apologize, if this guy lasts more than a month.





He's a little removed, almost "cold,"if you will...

...yet, for some reason, after our first date? No one calls me "Firecrotch" anymore. My air conditioning bills have gone down and forget about ice cubes, because he keeps booze perfectly chilled.

Plus, I don't have to make up stories about the paparazzi because he leaves patches of ice and they crash all on their own.

Sincerely,

Li-Lo

Well, there you have it people. Where do you go to find true romance? That's right, "E-Chaos," because love hurts and we bring the pain!

E-Chaos Testimonials!

That's right Ladies and Gentlemen, call me "Cupid," because I've just had my first two successful pairings! But why brag? When I can let the testimonials speak for themselves!




Damn, Procrastinator! You've introduced me to someone who is straight up, even more gangsta than me!




She is a true O.G. in every sense of the word and check it, tomorrow? She's having eight of her boys do a carriage-by and put some musket balls in Kanye and Ja Rule.

Sincerely,

Fiddy

Are you royally impressed? I knew you would be! But that's not all! This next testimonial borders on the fantastic...fantastically compatible!

Hey, Write Boo! Finally, you've brought someone into my life that doesn't make judgments about my lifestyles and can keep up with my pill...er, candy, yes, that's right, my "candy consumption."

Not to mention, when I get bored after my usual twenty minutes in that rehab place, he will come by to pick me up. Sometimes, he will drag as many as seven of their security staff, just to hold the door open for me. You have truly found someone that sees me for what I am and won't run away or make me take care of those children that keep calling me "mom" (as if!).

Sincerely,

The Zoloft Czarina

So there you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen! Proof positive that we can find someone for you and hell, they might even be the one (for which I will charge you thrice the price)!

"E-Chaos," because love hurts and we bring the pain!

E-Chaos

Love hurts, love scars

Love wounds and marks

That's right Dan McCafferty, especially when you sing it like that.

Well, here at Procrastinator Industries, I've been coming up with some new ideas and business plans. So what is on the top of my list? A dating service...and not just any dating service, the dating service. I will call it "E-Chaos" and to all the folks at E-Harmony? Harmonize this.

Why settle for a healthy relationship? That's boring and safe, chaos makes you feel alive! Why do you deserve compatibility or happiness in your relationships? You have to go through the bad to get to the good and, whew, do we have some bad for you.

Ladies? We will introduce you to men who are so flaky, that not only will they not call you, they don't even have pre-paid cell phones or landlines. We are talking about when you go out to dinner, the type of guys that will leave you with the check and you won't be able to pay it because they took your purse.

Gentlemen? We are talking about about bar skanks whose idea of fidelity is to keep it under three guys after the first three hours that they wake up.

Ladies, we are talking about studs like this one...

Guys, lovely ladies like these will give you that funny feeling in your tummy...

Yes, "E-Chaos." Because love hurts and we bring the pain!