That Wasn't An Earthquake

That wasn't an earthquake.

Now this, this was an earthquake. Though it seemed like the former lasted longer. 1.5 on the Richter scale makes a world of difference, though. Coincidentally, I was napping during both of them and maybe the solution is for me to not sleep ; )

Mr. & Mrs. C Go To Bangalore

Missus and Mister C. made a documentary about Bangalore. Click the "click more from: Dr. Caputi" and you can also see his short film, Gentle Lovers, a modern comedy of manners.

Fashion, Turn To The Left! Fashion, Turn To The Right!

Some of the interesting fashion choices that I've seen at work, late at night:

I saw a guy wearing shorts and it wasn't exactly warm enough that night to wear shorts. He was doing this basically because he wanted to show the ink on the back of his legs, which initially looked like humongously bad birth marks, ala Gorby. Well, what do you know? He a tat on either leg, of the ubiquitous mud flap girl.

At the end of last week, I saw a guy on a bike that was channeling Howard Hughes, Clark Gable and John Waters, all at the same time. We're talking a suit from the mid-30's, complete with riding boots and jodhpurs.

Last night? It was fairly warm and there was a girl wearing snow hat complete with ear flaps. A Pendleton plaid lumberjack shirt, a yardstick that was shaped like an Irish hurling stick in a quiver, fur-lined snow boots, and of course, a denim mini-skirt up to there. I was trying to figure out if she was making a fashion statement, or was she simply using some odd-camouflage to confuse guys that wanted to hit on her?

Is It Time For An Intervention?

So I took last Sunday night off, because I was going to hand out bumper stickers from my shop at Litcrawl, the ending of the Litquake Festival. There was just one big problem, um, it ended the night before. What caused or contributed to this major oversight on my part?

Sigh...videocrack.

Well, at least I've been getting my samurai on. Last month is was Kengo: Legend of The Nine.

This game is tricky and more like real life than other video games in that your character's life can end in one quick moves. What I really love about is that they didn't bother to dub the voices, the characters speak in Japanese with English subtitles. You should listen to me try to imitate my character's banter after I finish off another character.

These past two weekends I took another crack at a game I gave up before, Samurai Warriors 2.

I decided to give it a second try after I wore out a demo disc of Dynasty Warriors Gundam. The controls are slightly less responsive than the Dynasty Warriors 5, though there is a free mode where you can build your characters up to ridiculously powerful levels. Therein lies the rub, it takes an inordinate amount of time to get this done and the only reason why I'm not at it now, is because my fingers feel like they are on the verge of turning arthritic.

That's one thing that Britney doesn't realize, you won't test positive for video games and you can still be a semi-functional person in society. Cue the ghost of John Belushi channeling Toshiro Mifune.

Who's A Liter-Hottie?

Ms. Coffey says that I am. No, not "litter" or "litre," jeez. As in literature.

I'm not as pretty as Chabon, but I'll bet you I get more done because I don't have the perfect hair and features that need all that tending to.

Of course, that's when I'm not procrastinating.

Beth Posits...

...that these two got together...











And the end result?...






By the way, one of my little pleasures in life has been taken away. My Sitemeter is on the fritz.

Wow, Another Successful Match From E-Chaos!

Here at E-Chaos, we believe that love is a sentiment best left for greeting cards. True Romance is like art, you must suffer for it, only that we will be the ones to "Van Gough" your ears.

Please, once again, don't simply take our word for it, but take our word for it, listen to our testimonials. The first is from a good friend of mine from the old neighborhood. I know him as Jack Napier, but you probably know him by a different name-




Dear Write Procrastinator,

You've made me happier than the expression on my face, go figure. You really know your matchmaking; I'm a diamond in the rough and she loves diamonds. I've shown her how to save a fortune in plastic surgery...




...via falling into the vat just like I did and experiencing the original "chemical peel." She attacks people with barbs and I attack them with bullets. Together, everywhere is a "red carpet" and no one is safe. Wait until the world gets a load of us.

Sincerely,

The Joker


Hold on folks, the happiness keeps coming like at you like an angry rhino in an alley. Listen to the next wonderful testimonial-


Dear Write Moron,

You've done right by me this time, so I've decided to pay up for hitting your car and I might apologize, if this guy lasts more than a month.





He's a little removed, almost "cold,"if you will...

...yet, for some reason, after our first date? No one calls me "Firecrotch" anymore. My air conditioning bills have gone down and forget about ice cubes, because he keeps booze perfectly chilled.

Plus, I don't have to make up stories about the paparazzi because he leaves patches of ice and they crash all on their own.

Sincerely,

Li-Lo

Well, there you have it people. Where do you go to find true romance? That's right, "E-Chaos," because love hurts and we bring the pain!

What Comes Around, Goes Around, I'll Tell You Why

Dang-nation, that meme from last summer is coming back around and before I could duck, Bubs lowered the bridge. So I have to find seven things about this old Procrastinator that you never knew before.

1) I go through bouts of laziness, followed by bouts of productiveness. One obviously influences the other and combined. These bouts are a hamster wheel that I need to get off of. Jane, stop this crazy thing!

2) Despite being an aspiring writer, I am constantly at a loss of words, for some of the most basic things. I would chalk this up to different parts of the brain and my tendency to be introverted. Which leads me to...

3) ...I can't talk on the phone anymore. I am too used to using email and the phone is now, just plain awkward for me.

4) Only about five people at work know that I write and only one of them has read anything that I've done this year. I'll put it to you another way.

"a" equals the propensity in my company for people to gossip.
"b" equals the propensity for people to get things twisted.
a + b = One huge conflagration of a clusterf**k.

To speak of one of my most polite reservations (out of many) I have for revealing my work to others, is the fact that my writing is separate from who I am as a person. If I write about outer space, that doesn't mean that I am from outer space, capisce? You certainly can make that distinction if you are still her, though I doubt that certain others can.

5) For someone who appreciates delicate and flavorful cuisines, I rarely reveal my love of German food. There's nothing subtle about it and it rarely compliments any wine. Well, I rarely drink wine and I love meat and potatoes...more importantly, I love German food. Um, except sauerbraten, which I just barely tolerate.

6) I'll bet I brought number three up before and I'll tell you why. I have a tendency to go to the same thought or sentiment well, one time too many. I often don't notice until about a second, until an hour after I click "send" or "publish post." I rarely make such mistakes during conversation, because I rarely talk.

7) I'm not the greatest speller and The Lord and Beth know how bad my grammar is, but I never seen so much illiteracy as I have with sports message boards. At the very least, the message boards should provide some kind of spell check, because what I have had to witness, just burns my eyes.

You'll have to look for yourselves for examples, I don't want you to blame me for your temporary blindness.

Now comes the tagging part and I'm going where you've rarely gone before:

Is That So Wrong
Princess Ladybug
Rick Crowley
Nicole, because this is the only to lure her over here.
Eric

and even though she's already been tagged, Becky, because I'm tagging her the rest of her life.

More Shameless Self-Promotion

Without going into the backstory, I posted a story on the third blog that might have been published somewhere else. At any rate? Enjoy.

Sir, the private's weapon's name is Britney, sir!

Zhing Zhao Bubs, Ace of The Chinese Skies says...

You know, I can't help but think how much Britney looks like Private Pyle from "Full Metal Jacket" in that photo.

I think our esteemed marathon-running ace is on to something, but please, judge for yourselves...

Vincent D'Onofrio as Leonard Lawrence, a.k.a. "Private Pyle."

Britney. Hmmm, maybe he's on to something...

"Private Pyle," brandishing his M-14 before he goes ape with it...

...and Britney going ape with the umbrella, Rihanna, eh, eh, eh. It seems that our Zoloft Czarina has been watching "Full Metal Jacket," a hundred times too many. Excellent observation, Bubs!

Oh, uh, R. Lee Ermey? I know that you're tougher in real life, than all those movies action heroes put together, but I wouldn't turn my back on her.

First You *Know* That I'm Evil...

...so naturally, you should never preface an email saying something like this...

"Use these for good, not evil WP. "

Second, muwha-ha-ha-hah!

You see? Big brother....


Little brother...

Nefarious porpoises, er, purposes, are what this blog is all about.

E-Chaos Testimonials!

That's right Ladies and Gentlemen, call me "Cupid," because I've just had my first two successful pairings! But why brag? When I can let the testimonials speak for themselves!




Damn, Procrastinator! You've introduced me to someone who is straight up, even more gangsta than me!




She is a true O.G. in every sense of the word and check it, tomorrow? She's having eight of her boys do a carriage-by and put some musket balls in Kanye and Ja Rule.

Sincerely,

Fiddy

Are you royally impressed? I knew you would be! But that's not all! This next testimonial borders on the fantastic...fantastically compatible!

Hey, Write Boo! Finally, you've brought someone into my life that doesn't make judgments about my lifestyles and can keep up with my pill...er, candy, yes, that's right, my "candy consumption."

Not to mention, when I get bored after my usual twenty minutes in that rehab place, he will come by to pick me up. Sometimes, he will drag as many as seven of their security staff, just to hold the door open for me. You have truly found someone that sees me for what I am and won't run away or make me take care of those children that keep calling me "mom" (as if!).

Sincerely,

The Zoloft Czarina

So there you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen! Proof positive that we can find someone for you and hell, they might even be the one (for which I will charge you thrice the price)!

"E-Chaos," because love hurts and we bring the pain!

Procrastinator Junior Asks The Tough Questions

So we were watching the penultimate episode of "Top Chef" again ( and again, not including the reunion show) when I say to The Missus "remember this guy, because I'm going to show you something."

Then after the episode, I showed her a picture of this guy-

No, not his avatar, I mean an actually picture of him. I contend that Dale kind of looks like this guy...

...chef, Eric Ripert. Just a little bit, they probably could pass for brothers. At any rate, as I was showing The Missus the picture of Dale, Coaster, Chelene, Becky and a blonde friend of Dale's whom I don't know...

Procrastinator Junior: Where's George?

Me: Ummmmm, I don't know, he probably took the picture.

Procrastinator Junior: Why isn't George in any of the pictures?

Me: Umm, I don't know, you'll have to ask (Coaster).

Procrastinator Junior: Maybe that's why he is "Poor George," because he isn't in any of the pictures and he has to take them all.

E-Chaos

Love hurts, love scars

Love wounds and marks

That's right Dan McCafferty, especially when you sing it like that.

Well, here at Procrastinator Industries, I've been coming up with some new ideas and business plans. So what is on the top of my list? A dating service...and not just any dating service, the dating service. I will call it "E-Chaos" and to all the folks at E-Harmony? Harmonize this.

Why settle for a healthy relationship? That's boring and safe, chaos makes you feel alive! Why do you deserve compatibility or happiness in your relationships? You have to go through the bad to get to the good and, whew, do we have some bad for you.

Ladies? We will introduce you to men who are so flaky, that not only will they not call you, they don't even have pre-paid cell phones or landlines. We are talking about when you go out to dinner, the type of guys that will leave you with the check and you won't be able to pay it because they took your purse.

Gentlemen? We are talking about about bar skanks whose idea of fidelity is to keep it under three guys after the first three hours that they wake up.

Ladies, we are talking about studs like this one...

Guys, lovely ladies like these will give you that funny feeling in your tummy...

Yes, "E-Chaos." Because love hurts and we bring the pain!

The First Rule...

The first rule about Write Procrastinator Club is!...



















...I don't know, I never got around to making the rules.

Who Is Procrastinating? Not This Guy

So rather than finish the final chapter of the Anniversary post, I'm chipping away at a short story that should've been finished this morning and I'm checking out Food Wishes...kinda, there's only so much you can check out on dial-up. Don't be misled by that nasty picture of the buffalo bean, the recipes there are pretty tasty.

Yummm, killer soup.

Sweet Sixteenth Anniversary Part III

I Said, Hotel, Motel, Marriott Inn..."


Wherever we go, one of the main requisites of Procrastinator Junior, is that the hotel or motel has to have a pool. So The Missus and Junior did their due diligence on an online site and found a hotel with a pool.

It was late as we pulled up, I'll say about 10 pm and this motel is rather small and of the "nearby the airport variety." Lo and behold, that makes sense because it actually right behind the Ukiah Postage Stamp, er, "Airport."

I guessed that the pool was out back...ha-ha. Ahem... ah, yeah. So, like I said this motel was tiny and that is understandable, because the town isn't very big and which makes sense, because outside of the winery and Native American casino crowd, who is going to fill the occupancy?

The plan was for us to rest up and hit the ground running, in the morn. This place we were staying at has free breakfast, but by the time we were up at 9:30, virtually everything was gone except for small boxes of cereal and a waffle iron straight out of Hades. I mean, I was getting a tan off of the thing, just by looking at it. I said later to the joint, leaving The Missus to cook waffles for Procrastinator Junior.

Sure, call me a "coward. Just don't call me "hungry" because I hit Jack In The Box for an Ultimate Cheeseburger breakfast. The one thing you will find out when you get this far north in California, is that every other male wears a baseball cap.

There are to be no professional sports teams on these caps. These caps will have instead, the following:

A) A hunting or hunting-gun related motif.
B) Something representing one of the Big Three Automakers.
C) A beer related hat and if there's a brand involved, it has to be domestic.

Now, I have a baseball cap...





...with an Audi logo. With the exception of one restaurant, neither my cap nor my color, bothered most of the people of Ukiah.

The other absolute is that every other male will drive a truck or an SUV. They can be foreign made, but none can ride at stock height. This is the more practical of all the peer pressures there. If you live have to drive a dirt road to get to a friend's or your house, you're gonna need that extra suspension travel.

I had my breakfast and my two loved ones had theirs, so it was swimming time. It turns out the pool wasn't in the back, but it was an indoor pool. Procrastinator Junior was disappointed with it right away, apparently they used a special lens with the travel site because it was a whole lot smaller in real life. We're talking approximately fourteen feet wide, by twenty feet long. Hey, no problem, we had the thing to ourselves.

"Someone Has A Promising Future At The DMV"

After the swim, it was off to Applebee's and the adventure picks up. Let me preface this by saying that there are two groups of people I never try to offend: Nurses and waitstaff.

The place was packed and a man paying for his check while we were waiting to be seated, was sporting a Rambo knife that was inch or two away from being a short sword. It's Appleby's, man, who is going to challenge you to a knife fight at a family restaurant? Leave the deer sticker in the truck, Saint George.

He gave me that "look," then about six more people gave me that "look." You know, that "is he from Mars?" stare. I don't get this Long Island anymore, I didn't get this by Yosemite last year and I didn't get that anywhere else, but one other restaurant. Was this an omen?

We got the indifferent waitress from hell, as opposed to the overt waitress from hell. The kitchen was backed up, so it took awhile for everyone to get their food. The problem was that the waitress didn't want to give us our check, I mean she really didn't want to give our check.

After fifteen minutes of her taking orders and avoiding eye contact with us, we were beginning to wonder if she wanted us to skip out on our bill. At the sixteenth minute, I asked the assistant manager for our check and he asked her to give it us. She kept this up for another eight minutes and the assistant manager saw us sitting there, and he asked her again.

Then the manager started his shift and we asked him for our check and then, she finally relented...thirty f**k*ng minutes after we were done with lunch. Karma where is thy sting?

Coming when I get around to it, "Mermaids And Shirley Temples."

Tonight's Post Is Pre-Empted...

...by the penultimate episode of Top Chef. Not including the reunion show, of course.

A Food Flippin' Mario?

A Mario Batali action figure? Apparently so. Does he come with Crocs, Coaster?

Sweet Sixteenth Anniversary Part II

"Duck!"

Ah yes, the joyous occasion that is a wedding anniversary! First, there is the exchanging of the gifts and every year is pretty much the same. Upon receiving the gift that I bestow upon The Missus, she flees for the bedroom, where she locks herself in there, cries for half an hour. Then? She comes out throwing.


This year? I got her something more practical, so she only cried for fifteen minutes and as she exhausted her vase ammunition on her birthday, she only threw things at me for a couple of minutes. Oh, joy!


We had dinner at Mel's on Geary, actually I had breakfast. It doesn't wear you down as much when you have a long drive ahead. As to where we were going, I had little idea other than the fact that we would be traveling north on the 101.


"I Can Drive, 55, Sammy Hagar"


The Missus gave me directions, but I didn't know what our ultimate destination would be. Barring whatever route that an airplane has taken on our return flights from New York, I haven't been this far north in California, since the summer of 1982. If I had only known we were going this route, I would've bought Journey's "Escape" and Queen's "The Game" to relive the experience.


As we got north of the (San Francisco) Bay Area, we finally got to see all those Native American casinos that they advertise on TV. Then the roads got difficult. Dark, uneven, unfamiliar, and this reminds me of an ex, but I digress. At any rate, I had to keep around 55 mph or under on some of the curves. Which was not fun when the lanes narrowed down to one because of "construction" and some of these gamblers were in real hurry to lose their money.


This was to be a recurring theme that weekend, phantom road construction and people charging around in a hurry, though people up there were insanely polite when it came to four-way stops. Procrastinator Junior became confused, because the terrain resembles that of the area just east of Fresno, on the way to Yosemite. Once you go inland in California, the rolling hills look pretty much the same, with the only difference being the trees, and how dry the grass gets.


Because I let him watch most of Wild Police Videos (excluding the shootings and crowd control melees) Junior brought up some of the accidents that he has seen. With semis and would-be gamblers all over the road and driving stupid, I asked him to change the subject.


"Me, Tarzan...Ukiah"


We were on our way to Ukiah, which I haven't been through since 1976 and I'm not sure if I swung through there in '82. It is a one and a half horse town and while our local TV stations mention it during the weather, I don't consider anything north of Santa Rosa to be part of the Bay Area.


Not only that, there is no graffiti in Ukiah, thus, it really isn't in the Bay Area. I mean, even in the most placcid of suburbs, there are tags here. Honestly, in the last two years, the only two places where I haven't seen tags or etched glass, are east of Queens and Ukiah and the towns north of it.

What I missed on the way up because of the darkness, was all the vineyards. From Calistoga until Willits, every other lot seemed to be a vineyard. I have been writing for the better part of the last thirty-six hours, so I'll leave it off here and resume this on Thursday.

"A '6S' Story"

A Six Sentence story for all my screenwriting friends and for those that live their lives at forty-eight frames-per-second.

A warm thanks to Robert McEvily for providing the venue and to Katie Schwartz for bullying me into it.