Got Cookies?

It seems the California Milk Processor Board thinks it would be a good idea if San Francisco bus stops smell like cookies. I don't know if that will sell more milk, but I do know that it will piss off asthmatics, the homeless, dogs, and those on diets.

Got Anger?

A Food-related "Seperated At Birth?"

We were watching Rachael Ray do her take on Spanish cuisine tonight (isn't brick-pressed chicken, Italian???) and the Missus said, "you know who she sounds like, right?"

Me: No.
The Missus: She sounds just like Rocky.
Me: Wha? (in worst Rocky imitation ever) "Yo, Adrian, how's about some tapas?"
The Missus: No, Rocky, the Squirrel.
Me: Yeah?
The Missus: She looks like her, too.

And I doubt that Rachel would ever put the goggles on, but the Missus kind of has a point.

Somebody Missed History 101

As someone who was allegedly educated at Yale and allegedly possesses two degrees, Dubya...apparently, never learned history. You win the enemy over with the real tools of capitalism. Especially the youth of the enemy, who will be the ones to take over when Krunk Ill "Don't Call Me Erica" Jong finally kicks the bucket.

A Procrastinator-ism

If I finally get that NFL hat that I've been meaning to get for over a decade now, it won't be because of my love of football. Ohhhh, no. In my world, "N.F.L." stands for Not F*ck*ng Likely.

Think about it. The guy is going to brave hepatitis and men hitting on her every ten seconds. Why would he lose his mind over a gag in "Borat?"

She Wore A Raspberry Tag-ret...

DDL always humors me when I tag her, so she left an open meme and here's my response...

DO YOU SNORE?

No, though I'm prone to heavy breathing. Stop laughing, I mean in my sleep.

ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?

I'm a lover that loves to fight, and I fight to love, and...

I'm all over the place. I am a lover, but when I get angry enough , I have no sense and will take on almost anybody.

WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR?

Only the Missus knows most of them and Procrastinator Jr. knows about a fifth of them. I'm not trying to be a bad sport, but I will not put them on the web for all to see.

AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?

I was more about Hot Wheels, Godzilla and Ultraman, but Legos were in there somewhere.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF “REALITY” TV?

In general, it's a waste of time, though it's not the decline of civilization as people make it out to be. Most who would act like idiots on reality TV, would do so in the absence of cameras as well. These shows just provide a platform for their egotism and idiocy.

I watched only a few episodes of "Blind Date" this season, so my fascination with dating shows in general, has faltered to an all-time low. I will watch pretty much anything on the TLC for five minutes, "Top Chef," and any show involving cars. "Project Greenlight; Season Three," was some of the best TV ever.

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?

I stopped teething at two. Speaking of which...

WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?

Hell yeah, then I became an awkward looking child. I was all hair, teeth and lips...which I didn't grow into until I was fourteen.

IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?

No and I've never really cottoned to it when I was a bachelor.

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?

Is this like that book from the 70's, "What Color Is Your Parachute?" The laptop is a light grey and I'll be editing this on a black keyboard at home.

DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?

Not half as much as when I was a teenager. I just tried to sing along to Y & T's "Rescue Me" in the car and I didn't hit any of the notes properly.

HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?

No "strange fruit" here. Anything that remotely looks like a rope and I'll be way the hell over there, thank you very much.

ANY SECRET TALENTS?

No one that knows me personally, knows that I'm a writer. Seriously. Outside of prodco, contest and studio readers, the Missus, Procrastinator Junior's Godmother, Mr. C, and Mr. C's friends are the only people who have read my scripts in their entirety. My brother-in-law has one of my short stories and that's about it.

WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?

Italia, Italia, Italia.

CAN YOU SWIM?

I dog-paddle more now. I used to be able kick, Crispin Glover, but not anymore, and I was never good with my arms.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?

No, dammit! I keep forgetting to rent it.

DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?

Absolutely, but not to the point that I'm gonna wait on Muni (the S.F. bus and streetcar system) for forty minutes for a trip that should take Muni only twenty.

HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?

I don't know, this question gets me too worked up. So go ask Mr. Owl, Alice, Lil' Kim or Prince.

CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?

I can't sing it or say it, but I can see some words backwards because of my dyslexia.

DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?

I don't use pencils, because I'm one of the those left-handers that smears everything. Procrastinator Jr. uses a manual one.

WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?

Personally? I'm not for it. But it doesn't mean that you can't.

IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?

Um, hello! It's in my past, in my present and sure as hell better be in my future!

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

No.

WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?

Pollen, cats, dairy to a degree, dust, and most Republicans.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU”?

Every time I look in the mirror? Kidding. Every day to the Missus and Procrastinator Jr, especially before I leave for work.

DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?

A tear wells up here and there. I'm not the crying type, even when I'm sad.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?

Every way except soft-boiled.

ARE BLONDES DUMB?

No dumber than anyone else that would rely on their looks or a particular feature to get by. Everyone that succumbs to a stereotype, deserves a small portion (emphasis, small) of the idiotic comments that ensue.

WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?

Sometimes under the bed, though mostly, the Missus hides everything. That's how she assesses dominance in this house.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

I don't know, who's asking? Morris Day or the Spin Doctors? Just go ahead now...

DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?

You all call me "WP" and you have no idea how I abhor that, but I don't say anything
>: P

IS MCDONALD’S DISGUSTING?

I don't eat at McDonald's or Taco Smell, ugh.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?

Two hours ago.

DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?

Showers. Baths are the luxury of those who have bathtubs instead of shower stalls and parents who have time.

IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?

In a way. The Missus saves Christmas every year.

DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?

Whoo, that used to be my everything!

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?

I work from 10 PM until 6 AM. Uh, no.

WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?

Caffeine and video games.

CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?

What, you like chewing on rocks?

CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?

If I come home late by five minutes, I get it cracked for free!

HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?

Not in this country.

IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?

As far as I'm concerned, yes.

ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?

If I get into a deep enough sleep, only the calling of my name, the alarm or the phone can wake me up.

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?

Brown.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?

Absolutely, but a little writing success wouldn't hurt.

ARE YOU PSYCHIC?

Hmm, I see a meme in your future.

HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE?

Yes. I found myself identifying with Holden just a little too much back then. Except I didn't go to a prep school and my acne wasn't as severe.

DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?

I used to play the guitar...poorly. I'll take it up again, soon.

HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?

Money? No. I did the shop-lifting thing in junior high and I was an accomplice (only by the definition of the law) in a minor-league break-in.

CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?

Don't I wish! I took up skateboarding again back in '94, in an effort to transition into snowboarding.

DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?

I'm a city-boy all the way. I have to have a toilet and shower, plus that whole "Deliverance" -thing gets me down.

DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?

If it's funny enough, spontaneous snorting has been known to happen.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?

Not that crap that happens on a stage.

ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND?

The best things in the world, are dogs, for their unconditional love.

YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?

Yes, but I wish people wouldn't use it as a "mulligan," or a "do-over," as much as they do.

CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?

I used to pop-n-lock back in the day, but I could never moonwalk properly.

DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?

I'd be somebody else, if I had a perfect day.

IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?

A little.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

Salad, jalepeno poppers, buffalo wings, and half a roast beef sandwich.

DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?

No and I don't get drunk 'til the point that I pass out anymore, so nobody is going to put it on me.

HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW?

The immediate family, about a dozen people at work and you, who read this blog.

WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?

How can I narrow that one down? "Head-on?" Any political ad? Any "career college?"

DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?

Never have, never been.

FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?

Today, Gizmo? "Low" by Cracker.

WHO ARE YOU TAGGING?

In alphabetical order...

Beck Eye (I told you that you're tagged for life)
Beth
Gian Don. If only because it gets you to blog ; )
James
Katie

The Annual Trek To The Auto Show

Every year since he was three, I've taken Procrastinator Jr. to the San Francisco Auto Show. This was our eighth time together, as one year we even attended the same show twice. It's a chance to see the new cars, for the Missus to finally get the house to herself and it's as close as we will get to actually sitting in a Porsche. The one drawback being that for reasons beyond our control, we usually wind up going the day after Thanksgiving, or as a byline on the S.F. Chronicle's online site called it, "a mosh pit with receipts."

This year, we were to meet Procrastinator Junior's best friend and his family. Two of the family were going to go to movie while Jr, his best friend and I were to hit the arcade.

We took the streetcar as I wasn't even thinking about driving in that mess. The streetcar was crowded when it arrived and it only got worse, one whole stop later. The only thing missing was the conductor that wedges people in and a larger concentration of Japanese, otherwise you'd think we were in rush hour in downtown Tokyo. With every stop or hesitation of the streetcar, a fresh set of shoulders and elbows were launched into my spine.

At one point, someone tried to either pickpocket or grope me, possibly both. My right cheek was not pleased as the culprit did not introduce theirselves beforehand and just like Major League Baseball, you need the expressed written permission of the Missus. Which I doubt she would give permission anyway nor would I, barring Virginia Madsen. My permission, I mean.

After Junior's b.f.f's family walked out on "Flushed Away," and Junior, the b.f.f. and I were done with the arcade, we hit the auto show. Auto show observations...

...I used to use cars as a writing motivational carrot. As in, if I get a three-picture script deal, I'd get this car, or vice-versa. This year's? The Audi A3.

...Or it's cheaper sibling. The one drawback being its plaid seats. Plaid only looks good on women, period. I don't want to see plaid on anything else and that will be one of the first laws I would enact.

...Buick in the San Francisco Bay Area? It's olde English for "broke." The whole twenty minutes we were nearby the Buick area, I don't think I saw more than five people even stop. Possibly two of them actually sat in the cars.

...Is it a hybrid pimp, or a pimped hybrid? The Lexus 600h has a V8 that has the power output of a V12, a nineteen speakers sound system, reclining rear seats with a massage feature, a pullout table, and a DVD player with remote. Why would you ever want to go inside to your house with a car like that? The headlights even swivel when the front wheels turn, just like a Tucker.

...Feed the saleswomen and spokesmodels, please. Only Pontiac was willing to hire a woman over 104 lbs. and the rest, clearly were Nicole Richie's friends, that busted out of Camp Anorexia.

...wow, I actually considered a minivan for all of two hours, I told you I am Endicott.

I Woke Up To The Strangest Sight This Turkey Day

The Missus was already up this morning, getting us ready to go to as we're going to some friends for Thanksgiving. I stumbled into my chair and turned the TV for the weather. I flipped it through the channels and there was the Joker on the Today Show. You're probably thinking, he was too sleepy and he was hallucinating, but there was the Joker on TV.

Not just on TV, the Joker was stuffing a turkey with huge, dark, pink gloves on. Not just with huge, dark pink gloves on, but with two of the biggest, gaudy diamond rings on those gloves, and a diamond braclet as well. Stuffing and turkey bits were getting on this jewlery, unsanitary as all hell and I doubt that the jewelery will ever be clean again. Is this what the Joker meant when he said, "wait'll they get a load of me?"

The Joker and two of the Today Show personalities were all stuffing turkeys and talking to the help operators at the Butterball Turkey company. I heard a familiar voice and I realized I wasn't dreaming at all, I figured out who the Joker was. Damn Joan, what the hell?

I could be wrong, but didn't she make fun of the "Lion Lady?" She's two more procedures away from looking her, herself.

Oh, jeez, where are my manners? Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

A Movie Meme

The underappreciated Is That So Wrong, dropped a movie meme. It's a pretty good one for fans...and an even better one for screenwriters

1. Popcorn or candy?

I've never been a fan of popcorn. It was too bland for me as a child and I don't like the smell of it as an adult. However, I will eat caramel corn, Crackerjack and the like.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.

The Departed. The window to see it was there again, Friday, but I was too tired, and it's looking like wait until it comes out on DVD time again, for a movie that should be seen on the big screen.

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Who loses theirs and to whom?

You've read my arguement that I usually use to stress why the Oscars have nothing to do with what actually was the best film that year. All good film schools teach "Raging Bull," but even the worst ones do not teach "Ordinary People." I use that example because it's tangible, even the lowest of cable channels won't even bother to show "Ordinary People," it didn't stand the test of time and the Academy knew it even back then. Yet in my heart, the worst travesty ever was the second one put upon Martin Scorsese. The one in which "Dances With Wolves" beat out "Goodfellas" for both Best Director and Best Picture." I'm not trying to discount "Dances," I'm just saying that it isn't remotely in the same category.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe.

A suit of samurai armor from "Ran" and watch me out-Mifune, Belushi as a samurai.

5. Your favorite film franchise is....

I'm not a huge fan of sequels and I give prequels a little more leeway. So obviously, I'm picking "The Fast And The Furious." Right, Todd? No seriously, even though I still don't own the trilogy on DVD, I'd have to pick "The Godfather Saga." Obviously on the basis of the first two movies. Sofia didn't stink as much as the critics said she did.

6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them?

First, it wouldn't be five people. Second, I would have to come out of retirement as a cook, as I've only cooked about six times since Procrastinator Jr. has been born. Carpaccio as the appetizer. Four small, different dishes of pasta for the second course and for the main? I'll have to ask Mr. Martin Scorsese and Ms. Thelma Schoonmaker just what they would like.

They are a duo that knows all that there is to know about filmmaking, life and greatness. Maybe William Monahan could be there too, so that we could find out what it's like to colloborate with Scorsese and just what Jurassic Park IV is going to be about.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?

As I explained to one Mr. Mernit on his blog, a cattle prod would be the best way to go. Give everyone fair warning on a poster and the waiver for the theater will be on the back of the tickets. A stun gun would knock the people out, but no one can withstand a cattle prod and the arcing electrical discharge from the thing, coupled with the danse macbre-lite, would discourage anyone else from even thinking about it.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Ripley from Aliens. Mystique from X-Men. Sarah Connor from Terminator 2. The Bride from Kill Bill. Mace from Strange Days.

My first instinct was Ripley because as I've witnessed over the years at my job, height and weight discourage idiots. Most people stopped bothering me thirty pounds ago and while Sigorney is slight, she's six feet tall. The Bride is out, nobody fears blondes and a good bodyguard should discourage things from the onset.

Sarah Connor had only one speed, angry. That can create more problems than it solves. So I would go with Mace. She was pretty much invincible until Kathryn Bigelow had the L.A.P.D. do a Rodney King on her. Plus, she's the only one of the four characters that has actually done the job.

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie?

"I'm both...a...doctor...and...a...lawyer."

Carre Otis in "Wild Orchid"

No, I haven't the slightest idea. I have a talent for putting traumatic things out of my head and if you had my family, it's a skill that you would possess too. Familial Darwinism.

10. Your favorite genre (excluding "comedy" and "drama") is....

Noir. Comedy is the distant second and drama can come along for the ride.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power?

No concepts or half-baked pitches, only scripts that are completed and ready to go. How many times have you seen a movie and thought to yourself, "all the good parts I saw were already in the two minute trailer." That's because too many movies are just trailers and not films.

12. Bonnie or Clyde?

There has to be both, they are the yin and yang of crime. From a story standpoint, they complimented each other to the point that I doubt one wanted to outlive the other.

13. Who am I tagging to answer this survey?

Gian Don, My Best Online Friend Forever and the Birthday Girl, because I want to know how professionals would answer this meme.

The Raspberry Meme Queen, whom I still owe a meme. Beth, Haahnster and anybody else who reads this, feel free.

R.I.P. Robert Altman

He started bobble-head-cam before "Saving Private Ryan" did, by including takes of the camera panning and swooshing for reasons known only to him. And sometimes, he was a far luckier bastard then he deserved to be in attracting stars to projects that were almost offensive in their mediocrity. Yet, when Robert Altman was on, as with M*A*S*H, The Player, Gun, and Gosford Park, no director in the world could touch him.

Altman was an actor's director, I doubt you could find an actor in the world who felt that he didn't respect them.

So, when you face St. Peter and the highlight reel of your life dips, goes out of focus and Lily Tomlin, or Susan Sarandon, makes a cameo appearance when you don't even remember them being there, you'll know why.

I Love The Smell of "Heiress" In The Morning...

I love the smell of "Heiress" in the morning. It smells...like...squirrel. Usually when someone says that Paris is coming to San Francisco, it's food or art-related and it's a positive thing. Then again, this isn't the Paris that they're talking about...

The Return of Flash Fiction Friday with #61

“Place your hands on the gun.”

“What?”

“I said, put your hands on the gun.”

“Are you serious? What, and let you shoot me?”

“I know this a foreign concept to you, giving someone an even chance.”

“You can’t say that, you don’t even know me, man! If anybody has had a conflict with me in the past, they brought it upon themselves and they knew the consequences. You deal with me wrong, you get the short deck.

“I’ve seen pictures and the chalk outlines of the people that you’ve dealt with. I’m going to explain it to you like this; you don’t know if it's loaded or whatever. All you do know is that if you don’t shoot me first, I’m sure as hell going to shoot you. You see, at least this way, you’ll get what those two poor kids that you killed last year didn’t get, a fair chance. All that was unnecessary, you shot everyone standing on that corner, but your intended target. You are unnecessary.”

“If you’re going to arrest me, go ahead. I’ll be free by tomorrow, if not tonight. You don’t have anything on me or you would’ve brought me in already.”

“Ah, see, can't take your eyes off it, can you? That gun’s just a little too damn familiar, isn’t it? You're guessing that it’s the very same gun that you did Jason with. Hell, if I were a betting man, which I’m not, I’d guarantee it.”

“I’m not touching it.”

“Fine, your choice. We’ll do this old West-style. I’m going to put my gun down here, about the same distance away from me, as yours is from you, and then we’ll reach for them.”

“You can’t make me-“

“Draw!”

*click*click*click*

“Oh, look at that, you couldn’t even wait,” Detective Pablo says with a voice just above a whisper.” The Detective picks up his gun and points it at Lee McKee.

“C’mon Lee, you know the drill, get down on the ground with your hands and feet apart. Put your hands slowly behind your back.”

After Detective Pablo handcuffs Lee, he holds up something in front of his face.

“Oh, you were missing the firing pin, but I’ll make sure that it makes it back into the gun that you used to kill Jason Jacobs by the time we get to the station house. You know the one with your fingerprints all over it.”


J.J. wanted a poem or short story that started out with “place your hands on the…”

Tell Me Why I Don't Like Mondays

For a little over a third of my life, I've been working for this...ahem, oh so joyous company. No pitchforks, no brimstone and it gets hot on occasion. Yet, if I wasn't allowed to go home at the end of the day, I would think that I had been banished to that place wayyy below.

A few years ago, we had an accident-related fatality in another department, as well as a few employees that everyone knew, pass on. Of one of those that had passed on (as the story goes), he unintenionally did himself in, living his life a little too much to the fullest. If you knew him, that's how he always dealt with his work situation. To quote an old metal song, "for every minute of work, I need an hour of play."

Another who used to let the job and stress get to him, died a year after retiring from a heart attack, and it was no coincidence. He couldn't seperate the job from his life and the company took advantage of that. It was manslaughter, but no court would convict, ya know?

Those events had inspired me to write an outline for a screenplay short, in which a man gets a job that seems too good on the surface. The job has the top salary in that related field, an unparalleled retirement package and all the Kona coffee that he can drink. The protagonist finds that this is no Eden. The job is overwhelming in terms of work load and expected production of the employees by management.

He delves a little further, lo and behold, the company is actually run by aliens who feed on the stress of the employees. Plus, the people who were "transferred and promoted," were actually sucked dry by the aliens until they became empty husks.

This idea never went any further than a few paragraphs and a couple of lines of dialogue. I didn't want to pursue it any further because I wasn't sure it hadn't been done before, nor could I figure out a unique way for the aliens to be destroyed.

At any rate, my computer has a DVD player and before the Torzig of Preavemt Major can mainline the stress cluttering my third eye, I'm cooling down with the following this week...

The Sopranos Season Six has been good so far and I have two episodes to go. Still, it gets a bit much when you want to decompress from work and you see almost the exact same situations that you are going through. So tonight I'm going to lighten things up with Robot Chicken, a show that is as funny to me as "The Simpsons" once was, before the show went into the enivitable rut that comes with such a long run. I'm not criticizing "The Simpsons," name me any show that is still as funny on the fifth year, as it was during the second.

If I manage to finish both of those before the end of the week, I have Greg The Bunny-Best of Film Parodies. I was a huge fan of the Fox sitcom and this marks Greg's return to the IFC channel. His return almost got me to shell out extra and upgrade to digital cable, but why should I bother now that I have it on DVD? Hah! Hey cable company, I've got your Comcastic, right here!

Who was first?

Copycats. Then again, they have the picture and I don't...

I was still first, n-yah!

As I Rode Shotgun Through The Land Of The Dead

Ooooh, I love the sound of that one. I'll be using that as a story title, real soon! As we rode from a work site towards the Jack In The Box drive-through that's on the north side of South San Francisco, a few things popped up into my mind...

First, we were going through Colma. There was a bumpersticker that was popular in this little area, a decade ago that said, "it's great to be alive in Colma!" The significance? This is a town where the dead outnumber the living by conservatively, over 30,000 to one. Between 1900 and 1912, San Francisco outlawed cemeteries within the city limits. Thus, most cemetaries were moved to Colma.

So late at night, if you listen carefully, you can hear "you tell 'em I'm coming... and hell's coming with me, you hear?... Hell's coming with me!" As well as "Rosebud..." and "I got your Mr. Coffee, right here, pal!" As Wyatt Earp, William Randolph Hearst and Joe DiMaggio are buried there.

You don't really see the cemeteries, this town is more about mini-malls, car dealers, plant nurseries, and shrunken b.... well, let's just say it's perpetually cold here. For some reason the fog hangs over here and another town just west of here, Pacifica, all year around. Even when it's sunny in the foggiest parts of San Francisco.

Second, Jack In The Box (place your own double entendre here) makes the most kick ass pumpkin milkshake. For real, though.

Third? Well, I was going to say something, but I have a bad feeling that it will be misinterpted by a friend and I don't want to travel down that jarring, bumpy road again. If I were a superhero, I would be Antagonism Man. With the power of a dozen men to offend anyone and the ability to say the wrong thing within two sentences of any conversation.

So, let me quote K'ung-fu-tzu (Confucious) instead-

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.

R.M.B.A.S. #8

For the uninitiated, “R.M.B.A.S” signifies “Random Musings, Bruisings and Aloe-scented Soothings.” It’s a bit that I used to post before the Friday flash fiction bug hit me like Britney’s bodyguards did to K-Rap when he tried to retrieve his clothes from the house. At any rate, quoth the Perry Ferrell, “here we go!”

Want a real irony, Alanis? I am Endicott. I’m not sure how or when it happened.

I used to chuckle like a bored teen that stumbled on to a tank of laughing gas and sing the hell out of that song, every time the video came on. Now, I have turned into the very thing that I mocked. Of course, I’ll bet the Missus didn’t see herself mellowing out either and I don’t see anyone calling her “Cuervo Gold” again…or, at least until Procrastinator Jr. is in college.

It’s by far, the worst idiom in the English language and it causes me some disconcertment, but just why the hell would you “keep your nose to the grindstone?” I mean seriously, at best, you will get blade or grindstone debris in your eyes and at worst, you will get Michael Jackson nose the hard way.

Crab season in the San Francisco Bay Area has official kicked off. The Missus would tell you, however, that every day is crab season when I don’t get my sleep. Just the same, keep that lemon and butter to yourself!

I don’t know the origins of that sing-song ditty, but every time I see Ian McShane, I am reminded somehow of Finnegan and this pops into my head…

Al Swearengen, begin again
Al Swearengen, begin again

I’m 5’10½”, so let me say, that the second worse idiom in the English language, is being “short with someone.” What, tall people can’t be asshats too?

Keep that (expletive deleted) tartar sauce away from me, too!

The Departed and Stranger Than Fiction are the next two movies on my “to see” list and I’m lucky to see one movie a month, in the theaters. So let me say that I feel very left out at this time as soon I will be the last person in America that has either not seen “Borat”or sued Sacha Baron Cohen. Which brings me to the all-important lesson that I may go into detail about on a later post. Even major Hollywood directors have no control over how things are edited. So knowing that in advance, don’t sign the release form. It’s as simple as that.

Take the damn bib off, I am not a crab!

Un Graffito Vero

A true graffito. The HMO, Kaiser Permanente, bought almost all the advertising to a subway station in downtown San Francisco. One of the signs of their ads says...

HAVING SEX
BURNS AROUND
4 CALORIES PER MINUTE,
ROUGHLY THE SAME AS
MOWING THE LAWN(all uppercase)

Written right below it...

Clearly

you

need practice

R.I.P. Leonard Schrader

I have an Yahoo email account that I rarely use, but it sends me little news items from all of the web that have the search words script and screenwriter in them. So I was going through that mail box and though I saw his obituary in passing, it hadn't really registered with me that Leonard Schrader had gone on to the great big typewriter in the sky.

If you want to talk about collarborations, the Schrader brothers were a hellva team. They started off with The Yakuza, which I still haven't gotten around to seeing, but I understand it to be a good film. On the strength of that and his friendship with a director, Paul got a gig. He wrote something called Taxi Driver. You might have heard of it.

Over the years, they made two films that were crucial influences to me, Blue Collar and Mishima: A Life In Four Chapters. The essence of those two stories are in everything I write that is larger than a message in a birthday card. Leonard would go on to adapt Kiss of The Spider Woman for the big screen and Paul would go on to quite a career himself, yet I think they were at their best, storywise, when they worked together.

Bringing Out The Dead could have been something other than a straight from the book adaptation that lacked spark and Greg Kinnear might have had a little more of something to draw on in Auto Focus, because Leonard understood the darkness and duality that exists in every human being.

Hopefully all of our lives will be that much more interesting, now that God has a great cowriter in Leonard Schrader.

PS 3 If You Got The Money

For Gian Don, facts on the PS 3. I've added The Rhetorical Letter Writer to my links, brilliant stuff on that blog if you haven't been over there yet.

I Slept Through My Blogiversary!

With work getting the best of me
And the video crack getting the rest, you see
I've forgotten that November 1st
Was my Blogiversary!

It's not like I had something special planned, but I did want to post what I considered to be the Top Ten Postings of This Blog:

1. S.T.A.S.I.S. Some people are agoraphobic, others are acrophobic. Me? I'm an acronymphobe, I can't create an acronym to save my life. So revel in the lone acronym that I will probably ever write.

2. So What's Up With The Blog Name? It's not just another excuse to pimp the shop, it is the actual origin of the blog name. While you read it, buy something already! Procrastinator Jr. needs a new pair of shoes.

3. The Devil's Advocate... I'm always making fun at the Missus' expense and this was the apology in advance. Overall, that November was a great one in terms of my enthusiasm for blogging...sigh.

4. Christmas Tree 1, Procrastinator 0 All that you will need to know about how I feel and deal with the holidays.

5. The Original R.M.B.A.S. It's not the best one or the funniest one, in my opinion. Still, you have to start somewhere.

6. Sandwich A.K.A. "Write Procrastinator's Big Adventure."

7. R.M.B.A.S Of The Oscars The best "RM.B.A.S." of all time.

8. The Critics Are Unanimous Judging from the response in the comment section, nobody got this at all. Still, it's one of my all time favorites.

9. One Decade For My Big Boy When it comes down to it, everything I do, it's all for the Missus and Jr.

Number ten? I can't decide. Should it be one of my travelogues? A Friday flash fiction? A traffic rant? I don't know, you tell me.

P.S. Annnndddd the Tenth Best Post as voted by Danielle...Me? I Always Try To Back Up My Work. The post where Firestater 5 taught me how to hyperlink, thus, making the blog infinitely easier for everyone to read.

Uh-oh

This is blog has been temporarily closed, due to an outbreak of video crack. Collector's video crack, no less. Of course, the value of the "Collector's Edition" is not in it's resale, but that it has more cars available.