Once In A Blue Moon

There...is a
moon out tonight!

Tonight there will be a blue moon, though we will most likely not be able to see it through the fog here, in San Francisco. They mentioned on the news that a blue moon occurs approximately once every two in a half years, thus, the saying.

Ten Things About The Letter "Z."

Amy posted ten things about the letter "M" and I misread "do YOU want to write about a letter? Let me know in the comments," as "do you want Me to write about a letter" (as in Amy).

So me being Mister Smartass, why not the letter "Z?" To wit, Amy replied "go huff paint somewhere else, Beavis."

No, actually she said "No no no WP… You are requesting a letter for yourself! Marni already gave me mine. So YOU do Z! Ha ha!

Sigh, that's me Michael Stipe, painting myself in a corner. That's me, looking for flight.

Here we go, ten things about the letter "Z" and you better believe I had to go get the dictionary after the first two submissions:

1) Zebras. They are shorter than horses, but almost as fast. I used to love the zebra print as a child and it confuses lions when zebras are on the move, making it harder for the lions to catch them. Apparently, not hard enough as lions eventually figure it out.

Not to mention Pearls Before Swine has excellent zebra jokes and situations.

2) "Zed," as the way the denizens of the United Kingdom pronounce the letter "Z." I like making Brits, Aussies and the like, say "Zed" and "schedule." Minutes of fun, that.

3) Zenith. When I started to read Robert E. Howard and I found that it simply wasn't a television brand, I unnecessarily worked this into conversations as often as possible. "Wow, Mitchell Page sure hit that ball far, where do you suppose it reached its zenith. I'm not going to get into the sexually-related material that I tried to wedge that word into, on this blog. I was a teenager, what do you expect?

4) Zeppelin...as in "Led." Still my most favorite band and the one of the most misspelled bands ever. Two "e's," teenagers of the world and adults who should know better. Two "e's."

5) Zebu, a "Simpson's" reference, Maggie.

6) Zen. We'd all like to that perfect state, we just don't know it yet.

7) Zester. Rachael Ray goes to far with hers and there should be a moratorium in general, on which dishes you can put citrus zest in.

8) Zero Gravity. It's zen for thrill-seekers and also was the name of the best skateboard brand of its era.

9) Zero. "Put a one in front of a zero and you've got yourself a ten, see how..." I can't remember how the rest of that Schoolhouse Rock song goes.

10) Zeit. It means "time" in German, right? I don't know, it's the one thing I've ran out of and I don't have enough of it to look thi-

"It's A Wonderful Life, Forrest Gump...

...And Nothing Escapes The Ever Watchful PopEye."

"Legs" stumped me good, this time. She responded to the post below this one...

"And Sam Wainwright is wiring you some money to promote your next book."

So now you folks get to hear one of my trademark quips that I use in real life (as opposed to blogdom), ¿En inglés, por favor?

I had to Google this and "why," you ask? Because I've never seen more than fifteen minutes of "It's A Wonderful Life." If you make a George or Clarence reference, I kinda get it. That comes from stuff I've gleaned from the clips over the years, but I've never seen this film in it's entirety.

There are people from all over the world...non-Christians who have seen this thing, as for me? I figured I've already seen "A Christmas Carol" and a hundred cartoon rip-offs of the Capra classic. So why bother? I haven't seen the Christmas movie where one kid wants the BB gun and the other gets his tongue stuck to a metal pole, either.

Why? Saturation. Run an ad, trailer, clips, or just have everyone around me talk incessantly about something, and I lose interest.

Witness "Forrest Gump," I haven't seen more than thirty minutes of it. All the "shrimp" references and "stupid is, as stupid does." When the movie finally came on HBO, I lost complete interest.

"Jerry McGuire." People saying "show me the money" everywhere I went and "Talk Soup" running the bit where Cruise says "I love Black people" about a thousand times too many. I didn't know that "you complete me" came from that film, I thought it was from "Austin Powers II."

I never bothered with the last forty minutes of "Titanic," I read the entire plot in AOL screenwriter board discussions and Procrastinator Junior was getting into baby mischief, so I never finished the tapes that a friend lent me. I've never had the urge to see the last forty minutes ever since.

I could go on, but you get the picture...and I still don't know who Sam Wainwright is.

Telegram From Write Procrastinator...

as dictated, verbatim, to a Western Union Telegram representative...

On a writing jag (stop)
The most prolific five day period, this year (stop)
I have finished two short stories (stop)
I have added several tags to two of my blogs (stop)
I have caught up on most of author blog reading (stop)
Can't stop typing or squirrels will devour me (stop)
Please send peanuts in an attempt to distract them (stop)


Sincerely (comma)

Write (stop)
Procrastinator (end telegram)

Monica Potter? Hell, I've Never Even Met Her!

As has been pointed before in this blog, the TV is often on, as background noise. So Head Over Heels was providing the ambient noise and I never bothered to watch it before, because serial killers (real or those mistaken for one) never make for good comedy. Let me correct myself. You can have good dark comedy in thriller or horror films, but you can't have a romantic comedy centering around a serial killer.

Oh, Eileen Wurnos. You and your wacky shenanigans. Lesbian, schmesbian. Get all that incriminating evidence cleaned up and let's run away together!

Anyway, I'm drifting off point like Paris Hilton straining to come up with legitimate excuses for a pardon. My original point is that someone cloned a certain movie actress.

The Missus glanced over and asked me what the movie was, I mentioned the premise, but I had to look up the title. Then she said, "isn't that Julia Roberts?"

I said no, that's Monica Potter. Then it hit me, someone slapped a blonde wig on Julia Roberts. No, really, someone slapped a wig on Julia Roberts. Monica not only looks like her, she has the Julia-head tilt when she emphasizes a point. The Julia speech pattern and quasi-monotone. Then, the clincher? The Julia quaver when she gets all excited.

She's channeling Julia, the way Christian Slater wished he channeled Jack Nicholson.

Then it struck me how I've never noticed this. I've seen her in "Con Air" and "Along Came A Spider," but I never noticed this...or really, her. Then I realized that casting directors haven't picked up on this either. Can't afford Julia? Go get Monica and have her put on a red wig.

BTW, when a movie that is "staged" in New York, really starts to go down the toilet? I like to see how much of it was actually filmed in Toronto. This so-called film had me faked out, the non-Manhattan scenes were actually done in Vancouver.

Of course, anybody who watches movies knows that Vancouver really "is" San Francisco, Seattle, Portland, Hong Kong, and Los Angeles. My ambition is to film a movie in Seattle and call it Vancouver. Yes, I know it doesn't make a lick of financial sense and there isn't a studio in the world that would greenlight that. But I can dream, can't I?

You Post, I Learn And Yet, Another Writing Quote

In a response to a post, Beth mentioned this quote ...

Fellow Georgian Flannery O'Connor uttered my favorite writer's quote: Everywhere I go, I'm asked if I think the universities stifle writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

As someone who both champions the underdog and scowls at what "literature" is offered in both airports and supermarkets, I say, nice quote Beth. Though I know my Southern Goth authors as well as Illresident Shrub knows compassion, that is, third-hand. I think from glancing at a few paragraphs of Miss O'Connor's work that I could study up on her, when I go through my monthly crime burnout where I don't think I can read another line about somebody doing something wrong.

It seems that Miss O'Connor will offer a very different take on the same things that I read about and that stir in the human mind. Here's another quote from Miss Flannery on writing...

"I write every day for at least two hours," she said in an interview in 1952, "and I spend the rest of my time largely in the society of ducks."

Oh, I Love It

You might not like it, but I love it all too much. We'll see in a few months. I love it so much that I want the Missus to edit it now, but I know better than to wake her up.

Cleaning Out My Email Box

From the oldest to the most recent...

The inspirational quotes from the Creative Screenwriting Weekly Letter from May 4th.

"A blank page is God's way of showing you how hard it is to be God." – Anonymous

Sounds like a Cameron Crowe quote that I posted way back in the day...

Are you a writer? If so, you understand procrastination. I believe Cameron Crowe said, " no one faces the blank page like a writer."

"A writer ought to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable." – Mark Twain

Yahoo sends me little screenwriting and script-related links that are published around the world. In this one a certain director contemplates his inner-Shirley MacLaine and sending his material to Bob Dylan.

Then there's the inspirational quotes from the Creative Screenwriting Weekly Letter for May 18th

"Read, read, read. Read everything - trash, classics, good and bad, and see how they do it. Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the master. Read! You'll absorb it. Then write. If it's good, you'll find out. If it's not, throw it out of the window." – William Faulkner

"Writing is pretty crummy on the nerves." – Paul Theroux

Aaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!

Three short stories with deadlines that are all mine, because I want to get them out of the way so I can move on to bigger and better things.

I have titles...

I have the beginnings...

I have most of the endings...

I have some character motivations...

All that's missing and this is a big one, are the middles. As Procrastinator Junior said to me way back in first grade, "Dad, want to hear the world's shortest story? Once upon a time...the end. That's it."

Noe Valley Crooks?...

...the dumbest ever.

The Way I Swerve Through The Curves...

...really wrecks your nerves, Sugarfoot. Yes, that was me with the sunroof all the back this morning and my right fingers in the air. Everyone was so nice on my commute home, that I didn't have to fold four of my fingers down.

There's nothing like sticking my right hand up as I glide through the curves, something akin to a dog sticking his head out the window. I even went old school with a little "raise the roof."

And there's nothing like the Internet where all your wildest references and allusions can come true, Pedro, because you can link them.

"Dagwood Vs. The Mailman"

Be forewarned, if you've heard some of these musings somewhere else, that's not my intention. This is just crap that popped into my head and undoubtedly, someone else has come up with similar thoughts or sentiments...

For those of you who are recent to this blog: if you work a 9-5, Monday through Friday, my work day starts eleven hours ahead of yours. I go to work on Sunday night and throughout my work week, I get the night-time equivalent of a Sunday drivers. This drives the blood pressure up a few points and the tires and brakes get a good workout.

The flip side is that on my way home, I get my schadenfreude on, watching the looks on the faces of the work populace as they crawl into work. Ah, good stuff and sometimes it gets me hungry. So the car needed gas and this coincided with my craving for over-priced bad danishes...you know what? Just as with "french fries," you sure as hell know that the Danish don't call them "Danishes."

So I gets me a cherry "pastry that originated from a country just north of Germany" and my mind drifts from near misses in cars, to "pedestrian on pedestrian" near misses. Then by the time I'm in the garage, I have "Dagwood" on my mind. In specific, his collisions with the mailman. Now, consider this, Michael Stipe, what time does your mailman typically show up in your neighborhood?

Mine hits my apartment building anytime from 11:30 AM to 5:10 PM. I realize that in some jurisdictions, some postal workers arrive at the post office and mail distribution centers extra early. But they have to load the bags in carriers, cars, and vans. Then they have to get to your neighborhood and find a space to park, etc...

Basically, my point is that I've never seen a mailman deliver mail before 11:00 AM, anywhere in the United States. Your mileage may vary (and please, let me know), but what I want to know is just why the hell is Dagwood running late, if he doesn't have to get up until 10AM? Surely it shouldn't take him more than an hour to get ready and why doesn't Blondie hit him up with a Super Soaker, if he doesn't? Aversion therapy, Ladies and Gentlemen, he'll get up on time after that.

Then there's the mailman, you know he carries mace or pepper spray because of the dogs...or hopefully nothing stronger, because in real life he would've gone postal on Dagwood by now. Ladies and Gentlemen, "Blondie" has been around over half a century, I remember the mailman collisions from the films and the comic strip had to be around at least a few years before the film.

So, "Mr. Unknown Mailman," just how many times do you need your bell rung, for you to "spice" up Dagwood's life with a little capsicum in the face? Or are you too concussed to care? Or is this some new kind of deviant behaviour that even the most diligent sexologist has failed to diagnose?

By the way, according to the IMDB, the "mailman" is "Mr Beazley" and I've never seen that spelling him my life. You know that he's punch drunk if he's substituting "Z" for "S" and don't make excuses that could be dyslexic, he wouldn't have made it past his probationary period from all the misdelivered mail.

It's No Myth, Michael Penn, Author Bill Crider Helps Astonishing Adventures Magazine!

The other pop culture blog that I read religiously (sorry Becka) has just helped big time, to put the word out for Astonishing Adventures Magazine.

Yes, author Bill Crider did the pulp world a big favor by posting the submission guidelines for Astonishing Adventures Magazine on his wonderful blog. Thank you very much Mr. Crider! Now, if only Sheriff Dan Rhodes can help me find the right-side of my brain...

The Submission Guidelines for Astonishing Adventures Magazine

The Renaissance man and entertainment tour de force that is the JDC and Tim Gallagher are creating a magazine in the pulp tradition, called "Astonishing Adventures Magazine."

They are accepting submissions for their premiere issue:

We at AAM love the old pulps like the Shadow, the Spider, the Operator, Doc Savage, and any of the hundreds of other characters you could name. This was the main reason we started Astonishing in the first place, but we have other reasons in mind also.

We want to see what the thriving pulp community out there has to say and what they have to show us.AAM is looking for new fiction based on original pulp-styled characters. The word count can be anything under 3500, but we are open to review anything with a higher word count. Query us first before sending material.

AAM is also looking for articles, columns, and artwork related to the pulp world - just ask!
The bad news is that we aren't paying one red cent at this time. Sorry kids, we’re a small magazine with big hopes, but little pocketbooks beyond the expenses of the magazine.
The magazine will be a quarterly affair at this point with a web only distribution (in PDF form).

The experimental part is that we will not be charging for the magazine.

Insane you say? Mad?

Well, we’re looking to generate income for the writers thanks to advertising eventually.
Please give us a try and we look forward to reading your ASTONISHING ADVENTURES!
PS: Send stories with monkeys! I love monkeys – evil monkeys are the best. Evil monkeys with Human brains are the E-ticket.

JDC
Editor-In-Chief (don't call me chief)

And

Tim Gallagher
EditorAstonishing Adventures Magazine
AstonishingSubmissions@gmail.com
WWW.AstonishingAdventuresMagazine.com

It's An El Michaels Affair, Featuring Issac Hayes...

...and you're invited. I have to generate a tough, but reserved vibe for a story outline. So rather than go with the tried and true in my music library, I need a new avenue.

Go all the way back to the Geto (sp.) Boys track, "My Mind's Playing Tricks On Me"...cool. But the rap vocals would provide an unnecessary distraction for what I had in mind. When I looked it up what song was sampled a few years ago, a site led me down the wrong path, saying that the Geto Boys sampled a track by The Crusaders.

Wrong, wrong and wrong.

It's actually an Issac Hayes song that he did for the Soundtrack for "Tough Guys," called "Hung Up On My Baby." I Googled it and got two versions of the song, the original and one by a group called "El Michaels Affair."

I wound up buying both of them, only because I really couldn't get a handle of the Issac version by the short sample and I really dug the "El Michaels" CD in its entirety. Now what I mean by "I couldn't get a handle," is the sample gave me the impression that percussion and the play speed were different than the Geto Boys version. It is.

The "El Michaels Affair" is a party waiting to happen and the most ambiance that you can find on one CD. All you need to add are people and libations. We're talking about the old Stax sound, pre-Reggae Jamaican brass, Al Green, and a little Maceo Parker (the horn man behind James Brown and Parliment-Funkadelic) thrown in.

Check it out at the Truth & Soul site or at Amazon, because the latter has samples of all the tracks. Though if you dig the CD, buy it at Truth & Soul. So that an independent can truly thrive and you'll make sure that artists can keep this world both beautiful and unique.

As far as the story? You know that it's sitting writing limbo...or you haven't been reading this blog or paying attention to the name of it.

Tpye, Retype

I'm touching up the short story that might turn novella (or might even turn into a screenplay). But when you go on a tear, you're, I mean "your" pyting, I mean you're "typing," goes out the window. Note that when I type "for," it usually comes out "fro." Which might give the story hilarious results, but only my subconcious knows for sure as it won't register with the rest of me as I hit "backspace" four times and move on.

Bartender? Updates All Around!

First, the Food Network giveth, and the Food Network taketh away...

I missed it. Because I so seldomly watch TV, as leave it on as background noise, this household doesn't have a DVR and the VCR is just collecting dust. Yes, I missed Liz Hickok kicking ass and taking names, she won!

AT & T Park didn't win for "Best Ballpark Eats," though.

Second, Guy's still overseas in Melinda June Land...


Hello everyone, hope you’re happy and hale!

I managed to convince the terrific Irish actress Donnla Hughes to be in a short movie, and so you can catch her in “Little Bill Pilling” at http://www.youtube.com/Guyjjackson

For those of you in or around London, I’m performing in two big shows coming up: “Express Excess” (‘London’s best night of poetry’ says Time Out magazine) at The Enterprise, Chalk Farm Tube, May 16th, 8:30PM, and “Night of the Living Dolls” at 33 Oxford St, Old Crown Pub, May 23rd, 8PM

And those all-original storytelling CDs of mine are available from the “shop” at http://www.lazygramophone.com/

Thanks as always for your time and consideration, and do take care!

Sincerely,

Guy J.


Stay strong, Guy! Oh, and good luck getting a decent bowl of cornflakes or Jello.

Third? A new product tomorrow for the shop tomorrow, today is about everybody else.

It Is The *OTHER* Day

Yes, it's that time of the year. The time when a certain person who sleeps across from me occasionally, gets over like a bandit with an express tunnel in and out of Fort Knox...



...no, not Virginia Madsen...



...The Missus, of course.



No...the "occasionally" has nothing to do with George Clooney, but is because I work at night. Her birthday always falls within five days of Mother's Day. Next year I will just hand her my wallet and say "be done with it."

Happiest of Birthdays to the Most Wonderful Wife Ever and Best of Better Halves!

It's Coming Along Nicely, Thanks

Oh, it's coming along nicely at the halfway point. Maybe I should trim the narration and add some dialogue, so that I can turn it into a novella?

Sigh. If only I could write full-time.

A Little Research...

A little research for a short story leads to a little personal discomfort. Apparently, I've wound up looking like one of these.

Honest, I'm not a Bluetooth poseur. I actually use the thing and I didn't go top of the line on purpose, so I wouldn't seem ostentatious.

Lest I Forget

After I got all smarmy about nobody wishing me a Happy Birthday, I forgot to wish one (on time) to the JDC on his.

In a joint study by NASA and The Society Of Prevention Of Paranormal Phenomena (or S.O.P.O.P), it was found that if you do not with John a Happy Birthday, Sunjaya will come to your house and sing the entire Wayne Newton catalog.

Prevent Sunjaya from singing "Danke Schoen" in our lifetimes, by wishing the JDC, Happy Birthday!

"Hand Solo" Or A Meme By Any Other Name

Todd has laid down a meme-challange, a one-word association free-for-all:

I have seen and participated in some meme thingies floating around the cybersphere, so I decided to create my own for some unique procrastination activity. I will list a series of items and YOU tell me what the first word was that came to mind after reading it.

Only ONE word now, as this is like a psychological test being administered to a struggling screenwriter killing time in a waiting room thumbing through a week old copy of Variety on his way to a screenwriting Prodco meeting. Example; Pacino (one may write God as a response)Here are your prompts, tell me the one word that springs to mind for each.

Pop on over and give it a try. If not and you post it to your blog, please give credit to Todd.

This Post Will Only Be Up A Few More Weeks

This post will only be a few more weeks, as Comics.com will take the strip down. This isn't about any blog in particular, I just thought everyone would get a kick out of it.

It Is, *THE* Day

Forget all that Christmas nonsense, you wouldn't even be here to celebrate anything if wasn't for her. So recognize the real holiday that supersedes all others. It is the one, the only, MOTHER'S DAY!

So decreed President Woodrow Wilson way back in 1914, not quite in those words. So to those who gave birth and those who adopted, whether it be kids, dogs, or kitties, Happiest of All Mother's Day!

Another Writing Quote

From the Creative Screenwriting Weekly Letter...

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."
– Ray Bradbury

Classic Procrastinator

Eh, a whole week and not a complete thought to post. Which at this point The Missus would chime in, "what makes that different from any other day?"

So, how about Classic Procrastinator? From a comment left on someone else's blog (I think it was Chelene's, but I'm not sure) and I'll have to paraphrase it, as memory is the first thing to go at my age:

Do you want to live the good life? Having difficulties making your financial dreams come true? Using the Write Procrastinator System To Financial Wealth and with as little as $999,997 down, I can show you how you too can be a millionaire.

Here Come's Lizzy Borden-tail...

...chopping down the blogroll trail.

I got the axe from three blogrolls. One from a person stopped coming here a long time ago and is one of the reasons I'm so reluctant now to tag anyone. One who just gave the heave-ho to everybody that the person had linked to and I'm not entirely sure who the third person is, Orson Welles. The reason why I know I got chopped was because according to Technorati a couple of months ago, this blog fourteen links. I do have an idea who the third party is, but I don't want to tip off their counter system or Sitemeter...hell if I know why I should care what they think now.

Only the former hurts and that took a few days to get over. The latter two? I can understand to a lesser degree. I have some sites and blogs in my blogroll that I rarely visit. Still I keep them there because I want others to appreciate the very same qualities that I first saw.

I stopped caring about being linked on a numerical scale about halfway through the fifth month of this blog. There was a D.C. blogger and she had over a hundred and fifteen links to her blog...












...I believe Technorati didn't even have her in the Top 3,000. Even with comment moderation, she gets about three spams in each comment section a day.

So all is fine, because there are people who blogroll me, that Technorati doesn't count and I get quality comments, from quality people here. Plus everyone who visits seems civilizied (at least when hanging out here) and the spam is fairly low. To those who kicked me loose? Good luck to you all and barring a Gibson, Richards or that former DJ who looks like a scarecrow-type of rant, you are all still on my blogroll.


If only to spite or confuse you.

Restaurant Meme

Katie tagged me yet again and here are the rules: "list your top 5 favorite places to eat and tag 5 other people who live in different cities, states or countries."

1) Well, Katie asked me about Izzy's, so now she gets to find out. A former speakeasy and in my opinion, the best steakhouse in San Francisco. The website says that "one of Izzy’s great fans was William Soroyan, the celebrated California-Armenian writer of the 1930s and 1940s. His famous play, 'The Times of Their Lives,' was said to have been set at Izzy’s saloon."

Well, if you're going to set a play up with Yuppies and Marina Chicks, this is the place. Ah, so what? I'll put up with Anne Coult-shmear, as long as I get a 21-day aged steak and he stays at his, excuse me, I meant, her own table. Or get the New York au poive, as long as you chose "Izzy's Own," the best restaurant scalloped potatoes and the creamed spinach.

They make a nice burger. Procrastinator Junior thinks so too, though he doesn't like the crab cakes as they are nearly all crab. When you're eleven, breading has a greater importance. They make a decent Caesar, though it isn't what it once was. Great oysters and desserts, what more do you need?

2) If you talk about steakhouses, taste tends to be subjective. One man's perfect steak, is another one's shoe leather. One guy swore to me up and down to me about how great a particular place was. I tried it and let me be perfectly honest, I have had better quality meat in a Japantown Denny's chicken-fried steak. But prime rib? Ask anyone who knows prime rib and they'll tell you the House of Prime Rib.

As I mentioned before in my fifty foods to try before you expire, they make fantastic Yorkshire pudding.

Now comes the hard part and I've spent the better part of the day mulling over the next two slots.

3) Minh Tri is my favorite Vietnamese restaurant. Honestly, there may be better ones out there, but I'm all too content with this eatery. As was mentioned in this post, these are my favorites...

"A) Bi Cuon-Vietnamese spring rolls with shredded pork, mint leaves, lettuce and rice noodles. The outer skin is like a soft tortilla and is made out of rice paper. The outer skin is not deep-fried.B) Tasty Beef-The one and only reason why I go exclusively to this restaurant for a Vietnamese dinner. Eggplant, beef, garlic, onions, and (scrambled) eggs sauteed.C) Ginger Chicken-Succulent chicken and a few green beans sauteed with a jullianed ginger sauce.D) Broccoli Beef-Beef and broccoli sauteed in a fermented bean sauce, though it tastes more like oyster sauce to me."

4) Cue Molly Shannon and..."Burma Superstar!" As I've said before, Burmese cuisine is a wonderful blends of Indian, Thai, and Chinese cuisines. Good stuff, Maynard.

5) If I follow Katie's example of listing dessert last and mind you, I'm not a dessert person. Follow Fred Astaire singing "Cheek to Cheek," but insert Tart to Tart instead. Heaven, I'm in Heaven, chocolate ganache cake. Need I say more? Ah, I didn't think so.

Just A Funky Coincidence

I couldn't hear the audio at the Sizzler, but Nancy Grace had non-stop coverage of Paris Hilton going to jail tonight. As we sat down, I looked up and what is the first commercial they had going into break?

An old man is having a hard time schlepping a handcart onto a curb and three good Samaritans help him. The ad tagline? "Be hospitable. Hilton Hotels."

Curse You, Phil Collins!

I don't remember which song it was, though I could tell you that it post-Abacab, because I pretty much hate everything that he did after that. I can tell you that while I can be pee-shy on occasion, whatever insipid Phil Collins they played in the Sizzler bathroom, killed my stream...




Phil Collins is a stonecold whiz-killer and he must be stopped.


I will say that I won't follow anyone into the restroom, but Phil?...


In your case, I'm gonna make an exception and when you get everything lined up?...


I'm gonna treat you to a special acapella eighty decibel rendition of "One More Night," à la thrash metal style.

Like a river to the sea
I will always be with you
And if you sail away
I will follow you
Give me one more night, give me just one more night
Oh one more night, cos I cant wait forever

You Still Don't Know Who We Are?...

...I think the people in Dallas, have a pretty good idea now.

We won an NBA Championship back in the 70's, but nobody watched the NBA back then. Finally I can tune out that stupid Jim Mora soundbite because not only did we go to the playoffs for the first time in thirteen years, we knocked off the Number One Seed.

Two of my Brothers-in-law who follow all things sports, barely know who the Warriors are, but they know Kobe and the Lakers. No offense to the Lakers, the Spurs, the Rockets, and The Mavs, and every offense in the world to the networks that carry the NBA. They do their damnedest to show these four teams and not show Warrior games nationally, much less on the West Coast.

Adding Actual Insult To Injury...

A serial San Francisco bank-robbery suspect - dubbed the "Boring Bandit" for his droll style during some of his holdups -- has been arrested after falling out a motel window.

As part of his punishment for being a less than invigorating bank robber, Vanity 6's "He's So Dull" will be played in a continuous loop for the first twelve hours of every day that he is incarcerated.

For the other twelve hours? In his famous flat monotone, Ben Stein will read all of Tom Wolfe's library...










in Swedish...







...with a nose plug on. Dammit, that will teach him to be boring! Bank tellers are underpaid and they want excitement when you knock their place of work over! Come strong and over the top and leave that boring shit for the credit unions, Michael!

Boring Ass McDull Robber!

Katie Tagged Me!

Katie said, what would you do if Jesus came to your house? I'm on the verge of blogging burnout, so I cannot adaquately address this the way I would like to.

Let me say this, I don't respect most organized religons...that is to say, not the religons themselves, but the people world-wide that do both borderline and heinous things in the name of God. That's not exclusive to so-called Christians who are anything but Christ-like. There's a whole lot wrong on our planet that people are perpetrating in the name of Allah, or Buddha, or any name that people worship God under.

So, if someone showed up at my door and claimed to be Jesus? Unless I was filled with the Holy Spirit, I would tend to be skeptical and I would tell this person, "no thanks."

If I were filled with the Holy Spirit? Welcome to my humble home, we've been waiting. I would ask Jesus to fill in so many blanks in history and life. I would ask for forgivness for not living by his example and I would ask him to show me the way. Finally, I would ask "where does mankind go from here?"

Katie asked me to tag five people, but I fear that I might offend somebody along the way. I'm only going to tag James, because I believe that he will recognize this just as a meme. Anyone else who reads this can feel free to tag themselves.

Five Questions Over Coffey

Yes, I know I owe Katie a meme and I'll get to it, but best online friend forever or not, I have to go in order, and this has been brewing for a few days. I've been hit with some the hardest questions this side of 60 Minutes by Beth Coffey. There will be no Larry King-type fawning, easy soft PR lobs that barely pass as questions.

No, I'm talking Beth Coffey, the Ali of bloggers and if I can't stand up to all five questions, the ghost of Howard Cosell will say "down goes Procrastinator! Down goes Procrastinator!"

Get the kids out of the room and prepare to flinch, this will not be pretty.


1. When did you first realize you were born to be a screenwriter?

There is a two-part answer to this.

1)The first is when I saw "Mishima: A Life In Four Chapters." That film was my "Citizen Kane" and it just blew me away. It was so different from anything I've ever seen. After that, I knew I wanted to do something different, but I didn't know what.

2)Rob Morrow was on Saturday Night Live back in 1992. I've never related to a character more than one that he played in a skit. He is at a gathering at a restaurant and he would come up with the perfect joke and anecdote, some two or three conversations too late. In his frustration, his character went into the bathroom to vent and he stumbled upon a time machine. He used the machine to jump back to the very beginning of the gathering, where he was the whit of the party.

I realized that with my perpetual mental "satellite delay," the only person that enjoys this luxury is a screen or TV writer. Don't ask me why I didn't come to the same conclusion while watching "Back To The Future," some seven years before.

2. What do you consider the best screenplay of the last five years?

I wish I could narrow it down to just one. Of the more recent Neo-Noir, I love "Never Die Alone." Then my favorite comedies are "Sideways," "Little Miss Sunshine" and "Stranger Than Fiction." "The Departed" is my favorite adaptation. Everyone should watch this and watch "Infernal Affairs" the following night, to appreciate the job that William Monahan did.

But my favorite of this century, is "Training Day."

3. Is procrastination an integral part of the creative process?

Unless one can turn it on and off like a faucet? Absolutely. Procrastination is a way of letting the creative process build sufficent water pressure until the creative juices can flow, pardon me for mixing metaphors.

4. What do you love best about your hometown of San Francisco — and what do you like least about it?

I would say food, but New York, Los Angeles and Miami could give us a run. So I'll pick tolerance instead. If people won't tolerate what you are doing in San Francisco, they are usually polite enough to ignore it.

Overcrowding and bad driving, I've adjusted to those things. But I like least about San Francisco is the ridiculously over-priced real estate. I have to sell a books or screenplays for mid-six figures, just buy a house in one of the worst neighborhoods. I'm talking junkies shooting up in your doorway, bars on the windows, bullets buzzing you like flies, and you can't walk out of your own house when the sun goes down.

5. Why do people watch "Two and a Half Men" and not an Andy Richter show?

Dammit, Beth, I'm only human! This is one of those questions that I simply can't explain!

Maybe they don't like the fact that Andy is stable in real life and isn't prone to implosion. Unlike "Two and a Half" where Sheen might implode or spontaneously combust at any moment.

Andy Richter is one of the best kept secrets in show business. He can do broad and sublime comedy. He is one of the artists in the world that could legitimately claim that the powers that be have it out for him. They keep giving him sitcoms and then, they won't promote them nor will they air those shows in the exact same time slots.

To be fair, the few minutes I've actually seen of "Two and a Half," were mildly amusing and Jon Cryer has had the rug pulled out from under him several times as well.


There were other questions that will not make it on to this blog. There are hints and allegations of me having a mullet...apparently Ms. Coffey has photos that one consider incriminating and she has a camera crew that has camped out right in front of my apartment building. I, uh, will...not succumb to such innuendo or bullying and my lawyer has advised me to plead the Fifth.